Blackbird's Remorse

[Spekz.]

Blackbird’s Remorse

Blackbird,
Deaths Messenger.

Awaken,
Rising in the hollow night.
Brisk air breathes life
into a silent room.

I’m lusting for light,
Eyes adjusting to night.
Tuning in, I sense a stare
Examining my curiosity.
Fear enflames my lungs,
Startling my tiresome heart.
Perusing the room, my eyes widen…
…there in the blackness,
A blackbird – still as death.

Gasp! – choking on air,
I reach for the lamp,
Illimunating an eerie room.
Finding the place of the bird-
I reside dumfounded.
Staring at the floor, empty-space
No bird, and nothing more.

Confusion dwells on my thoughts,
Heart steadies, but remains tense.
Leaving the room lit – eyes closed, I think.
Mind wanders out of reality, but
Not off on a tangent, as this dreamscape
Seems tangible, so real – I fathom insanity,
For I can feel myself sleeping, yet
Cannot resist how whole I am.
Deciding to reside in my dream state
I set off upon a dirt road, deserted
Surrounded by newly planted trees
Poorly shading me from the setting sun.
Continuing on my solitary adventure,
I notice the tune of the hidden birds.
However the song they sing is lovely
I cannot help but imagine the silhoutte
Of the elusive bird, and its penetrating stare.

Suddenly, the wind changes – swiftly
Blowing a cold chill through the trees
That to have changed. Thickening,
Into a forest of aged, warped tall-oaks.
Towering over the path, casting shadows
Of attacking claws, and fearsome jaws.
The moon rises to full mass – gleaming.
Mesmerized by its oddity, I feel sick.
And to my amazment, the moon flickers
Turns black and opens – as though an eye-lid.
Realizing in disbelief, I run – without care.
Screaming to myself –

“The moon, just turned into a fucking eye…
…a fucking blackbird’s eye. Noooo…
not just any blackbird, but that one.
Is he haunting me!!” WHY!

Instantly - the world around me seem to melt…
…or perhaps mold, into my deepest fear
a nightmarish scene – a world of disbelief.
But yet, unable to wake – there he stood.
A giant replica of my bedroom visitor.
The Blackbird. – Still as death.

Then, he rose to the sky,
And dove. Straight towards myself…
…showing no signs of stopping,
I remain planted watching as he flew,
Certainly bound to kill me.

I was in shock, eyes locked on my predator,
And as he approach, I was rooted
Unable to scream.
Then the blackbird, shot through me
As though a ghost, yet…
…I seared with pain.

Eye jolted open, hoping to see nothing
I froze in fear – as a fire swarmed
Forming a cascading wall of flames.
Ready to fall, and swallow its victim
I heard an eerie song – and perched at the window
Was the blackbird – still as death.
However, this time he smiled…
…and flew away – slowly.

Pondering just briefly, I realized his message.
Turning to the flames – I began to cry…
…as I headed towards the window
grateful to be alive.

[Spekz.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...em-400095.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ed-400280.html

[Spekz.]

uppping.

[Spekz.]

Dang haters.

[P. Mortuus]

Awaken,
Rising in the hollow night.
Brisk air breathes life
into a silent room.

I’m lusting for light,
Eyes adjusting to night.
Tuning in, I sense a stare
Examining my curiosity.
Fear enflames my lungs,
Startling my tiresome heart.
Perusing the room, my eyes widen…
…there in the blackness,
A blackbird – still as death.

Good opening, it catches the reader's attention but more importantly it creates an atmosphere.

Gasp! – choking on air,
I reach for the lamp,
Illimunating an eerie room.
Finding the place of the bird-
I reside dumfounded.
Staring at the floor, empty-space
No bird, and nothing more.

Good stanza it could have been streamlined a little. Also, you didn't need the - after gasp as it already has a pause due to the explanation mark.

Gasp!
Choking on air,
reaching for the lamp
an eerie room illuminated.
The floor; an empty space
I sit resigned; no blackbird
and nothing more.

As you can see I have slightly changed the order of things and cut down a few words, it still represents the general ideas of your stanza but in a thinner package.

Confusion dwells on my thoughts,
Heart steadies, but remains tense.
Leaving the room lit – eyes closed, I think.
Mind wanders out of reality, but
Not off on a tangent, as this dreamscape
Seems tangible, so real – I fathom insanity,
For I can feel myself sleeping, yet
Cannot resist how whole I am.
Deciding to reside in my dream state
I set off upon a dirt road, deserted
Surrounded by newly planted trees
Poorly shading me from the setting sun.
Continuing on my solitary adventure,
I notice the tune of the hidden birds.
However the song they sing is lovely
I cannot help but imagine the silhoutte
Of the elusive bird, and its penetrating stare.

Again, a good stanza. Though, it could have been broken down into seperate stanzas, each dealing with a progression of the poem.

Confusion dwells on my thoughts,
Heart steadies, but remains tense.
Leaving the room lit – eyes closed, I think.
Mind wanders out of reality, but
Not off on a tangent, as this dreamscape
Seems tangible, so real – I fathom insanity,
For I can feel myself sleeping, yet
Cannot resist how whole I am.

Deciding to reside in my dream state
I set off upon a dirt road, deserted
Surrounded by newly planted trees
Poorly shading me from the setting sun.

I notice the tune of the hidden birds.
However the song they sing is lovely
I cannot help but imagine the silhouette
Of the elusive bird, and its penetrating stare.

^That's that 1 big chunk broken down into 3 separate stanzas. Obviously, if you revised the actual content a little it could easily fit into 2 smaller but conceptually thicker stanzas.

This stanza was another good one, it was a kind of break from the descriptive story. A good dialogue that fitted in well:

“The moon, just turned into a fucking eye…
…a fucking blackbird’s eye. Noooo…
not just any blackbird, but that one.
Is he haunting me!!” WHY!

The ending was interesting, the blackbird actually saved the character. A bit unexpected to say the least, I hadn't expected a happy ending but hey, who doesn't like a happy ending.

Overall, good work, the length wasn't a problem more so, there were a couple of instances where you could have made the stanzas more compact by removing some redundant descriptions. Good nonetheless.

[Spoken Deity]

this was fun man. You had some great images that just made this come alive. you do a great job of using shorter and longer images and sentences. I think that is important because it creates more character in my opinion. So yeah, loved that aspect. Baron is correct in my opinion in that a few places can be cut down a bit. However, those areas that can be shortened dont ruin the read. I'd also say in this stanza:

Gasp! – choking on air,
I reach for the lamp,
Illimunating an eerie room.
Finding the place of the bird-
I reside dumfounded.
Staring at the floor, empty-space
No bird, and nothing more.

id change it to "staring at the floor, no bird, just empty space, nothing more."
The no bird between empty-space and nothing more doesnt fit.
Also, you have a place or two where you repeat description. Again, this doesnt kill it, but with an edit i'm sure you would have seen it yourself.
Good stuff dude...Keep it up!
rtf when you get the chance!

[The Seven]

now that was interesting....
it was an easy read, and had great continuity
nice imagery, and enough mystery to keep me interested
blackbirds... not so scary to me... now crows are kinda creepy
like black cats.. more frightening yet ... black widow spiders and rattlesnakes...owls are kinda freaky too i suppose, and great messengers of death... if i ever see a black owl i think id have a heart attack...lol..