Big Brother

[antology]

This is a peice im working on now i thought id put the first verse up and see how im going cheers.

VERSE 1
You were always there when I needed you most,
When people that’s supposed to be there just turned into ghosts,
No matter the dose of pain we stood and took it, it came,
At incredible rates but where’re more than brothers where’re mates,
And nothing could compensate for the love and support you gave,
The protection that made me feel safe after mistakes,
Let’s take it back to the school years after arriving late,
You took the wrath of Satan; they always took the bait,
Now im in the playground playing, and people telling and saying,
That the person that beat my face in has worsened and racing,
At me to give me some abrasions and possibly operations,
My location was full of protection from you and school friends,
And im not ganna pretend I wasn’t scared at attendance,
But ive grown a lot since than and im dispensing the tension,
I wanted to say thanks and this love will only be extended.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ou-399953.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...te-400886.html

[antology]

Come on people pls leave some feed

[Camoflawge.]

I thought it was aight man, you started it out pretty solid but I felt you kind of fell off at the end. Some of the last bars felt a little forced but aside from that the was good, good imagery and vocab was solid. Keep working at it dude!

Fav. lines:

You were always there when I needed you most,
When people that’s supposed to be there just turned into ghosts,
No matter the dose of pain we stood and took it, it came,
At incredible rates but where’re more than brothers where’re mates

[HYPOKRIT]

Its hard to keep the same quality through a verse and this definatly dropped off at the end. I thort it was going somewhere but didnt really was a bit of a let down as it was and ok drop to begin with. Work on your structure and multi's.

RTF
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...es-400926.html

[antology]

Yea now that i re read it i can tell this really does drop off near the end... cheers for feedback

[antology]

Uppin for more feed

[ArchDeluxe]

yea kinda fizzled off after a bit but only advice i can give is work on learning how to use multis.. it'll be rewarding for u i promise, at least that's how i feel wud make it better.. but yea otherwise some lines are quote worthy like..

You were always there when I needed you most,
When people that’s supposed to be there just turned into ghosts,

and

You took the wrath of Satan; they always took the bait,

i think if u can make this a lot better if you kept better consistency on ur subject matter

[Jove]

structure and rhyme scheme was good. wasnt the greatest and the topic faded, but good drop. there were a few grammatical errors as well, no biggie.