Oh Amanda

[Soul Slayer]

Oh Amanda


“You’ve changed since last time.
That smile gives my heart getters,
Now I can truly breathe.”
Delight engulfed his anticipating eyes.
Embowered by tingling jingles,
face fretted, lingering with twilight.
Heart stern and surging with each pound
Intertwined, she came to his embrace.
Calculator emotions consumed him
as the moment exceeded his horizon.
Setting sail on life’s pinnacle had
never had such gentle tides before.

“M’zakes, you haven’t changed”.
Her voice lulled his deaf ears.
Intoxicated by this starlet’s
Notes of elixir, sobriety became
an act of the forgotten past.
“I’ve yearned for light to seep
through the blinds of this day, Amanda”.
Ere she planted forborne hands
Hushing his gaping mouth
as fog grew in her throat.

Closure came down the trembling
Wretch to raise his adorned face.
She whispered blooming words from
her pious mouth upon his gaze.
They waltzed across to cupid’s strings
Playing slave to intricate words unsaid.
The crawling night shrugged
at the first glance of day and so did
her image as his fantasy faded away.
She was a figment of his imagination
but soon they would meet again.

Out of sight
doen't mean out of mind.
The mind is a powerful tool

[Soul Slayer]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...595/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...099/index.html

[Uben. Sonned]

Calculator emotions consumed him
as the moment exceeded his horizon.
Setting sail on life’s pinnacle had
never had such gentle tides before.

Your ending lines in your first Stanza really stood out to me, it captured my full attention and pulled me deeper into the piece. They were captavating in a way to me, I hadn't actually heard a metaphore in such vivid content such as this in a while.

You've set a good tone for the piece, although I almost feel as if the second stanza is missing something. Not quite sure what it is, although it builds up for the final one, it's not quite up to par in my opinion to your first.

She whispered blooming words from
her pious mouth upon his gaze.
They waltzed across to cupid’s strings
Playing slave to intricate words unsaid.

Pious-characterized by a hypocritical concern with virtue or religious devotion; sanctimonious. I think this word fits perfectly into this final stanza, these lines that I have quoted really stood out to me within this entire piece. The set up for it, and the way you followed through with such emotion was very good.

Scientific, you've got much better since our match in IE sometime ago.
I can see how you've changed certain things for the better, your vocab has improved and so has your emotional content as well.
I must say this was a very good piece, and I look forward to reading more by you.
-Fusion.

If possible may I have some feedback on my recent OpenMic entitled .Escape.

[Damian Gray]

ok fella,

“You’ve changed since last time.
That smile gives my heart getters,
Now I can truly breathe.”

Some rather good lines to open with, the metaphore here is well percived and as an opener to the poem, a thumbs up.
Enjoyed what I read here, some parts were lacking what other made up for...
sometimes the description was passable and other times, most of the time it was nice.

They waltzed across to cupid’s strings
Playing slave to intricate words unsaid.

Liked everything about this line, the imagery and the description, the words used and how you structured the sentences to open up the peom to new hights.
When reading I noticed you need to look at your commars a little more carefully but other than that, a good piece.

[Soul Slayer]

Thank you my good sirs.

[Soul Slayer]

Aaah some feed mathuf...

[Cody Nash]

damn, it's been a minute since I've seen some shit in PS.. but this was pretty good my dude.. I enjoyed it. the concept really sticks out for me, and those ending lines were dope. really captured the topic and highlighted what you wanted to say in this read very well. you're getting SO much dope man.. this piece shows definite progress over the years.. one of your better reads to me. you had some dope lines, and word at the "pious" stanza.. that was a standout section right there.. definite emotion there.. your words are becoming much more powerful sci, props on that shit..

damn.. makes me want to write some shit now haha.. that out of sight out of mind flip is pretty dope. nice read my man.. stay dropping.

[Alphaeus]

Dope piece Sci, enjoyed the concept and it was really fresh with your vivid wording and description. I thought you wrote this well when you started to talk of the love you had in the past, brought it home to me and the emotion you showed was really well done and a talented piece of writing.