Hand Full of Sand

[Soule]

Hand full of Sand

Wake up young man, it's time to wake up.
Your love affair has got to go.

His eyebrow was twitching,
probably wishing he was there.
He stared - but empty inside,
almost like a broken egg shell.
What the hell could he do?
What truth clings onto the whispers?
A Winter breeze brushes his skin,
but we're in the middle of Summer.
No way! Not another casualty!
Confused, he casually walks away.
"He better pray that she's okay!"
He fires up the ignition,
ready for a nightmare.
His condition scares the family!
His own enemy is driving recklessly,
and restlessly thinking of revenge.
His teeth cringe and grind,
as he begins to cry.
Suddenly, there's an awkward bend
right along the rim of his spine.
But he doesn't mind,
and the drive is almost endless.
His limits have been pushed over,
tumbling downward like a sober drunk.
And when he thinks the journey's done,
he finds out that it's just begun.

The view.
It's just like something on the news,
not something that happens to you!
These police, who - were too late.
They choose to break him into pieces,
and then release his insanity!
"What? Why?"
Two simple questions from a simple guy.
Answered by his eyes,
and a bit of tainted sunshine.
She was so nice - not a bad person,
the killer, she never meant to hurt him!
Their interests were just so different,
but he couldn't live without her?
Well, HE couldn't live without her!

So as he watches them take her away,
incapable of draining the teary aqueduct.
He jumps into his truck and drives home,
once again, in this world completely alone.

After a real long night,
two bottles and a pint.
He wakes up and stands,
with a hand full of sand.

Time's out.

[Soule]

I normally don't post pieces I've already posted in the league, around here. But this is some real personal shit that happened in my life. Room mate's girlfriend was killed last Tuesday. And I just had to get everything out. Ya know? I cried writing this entire thing, and feel like it's one of my best. I'll have links up real soon.

[Soule]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...765/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...595/index.html

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

This piece had emotion unparallel to most other pieces on RB and that is because i can tell it was written from the heart. The piece flowed beautifully and the way idea's were put forward was great... This is somewhat a random quote.. but

"What? Why?"
Two simple questions from a simple guy."

^ I liked that a lot.

The only flaw i can see in this piece, (and i'm a noob of poetry so i may be totally wrong) is the fact that some of the imagery seemed childish almost. the simile "Like a broken eggshell" for example just didn't feel like it belonged in my opinion.

Great drop man, Very heartfelt indeed.

[worden.]

yea.. emotional. that was obvious. i know when writing really personal pieces you don't really care for critique, as the process in writing it can be a strange ordeal. you done a good job here. it had a nice steady rhythm. there were one or two awkward pauses due to punctuation issues but nothing major. i agree that some of the imagery could have been a little better but you told the story well. also, i would say that if you're going to rhyme do so in a system not sporadically. but hey, nice piece. i'm glad i read it. & sorry about your loss, your poem was a fitting tribute.

[Spoken Deity]

there were some lines in this that seemed forced... Like, a bit wordy and not keeping up with the rest of the poem. The concept was cool and for the part, it was executed well, but like I said, a few placed didnt fit. Also, double check some images... The eggshell thing didnt sit well with the rest of piece. It seemed to simple and also, like the image didnt paint the picture you were describing.
You had some deep emotions in this though which pulled the read along. Keep it up and keep active.