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Thread: thunder

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    thunder

    badly reconstructed-
    he had forgotten that the strength of forgiveness
    has a disgusting undercurrent.
    regret fills his gums,
    hurts like a swollen tongue.
    this taste, he doesn't recognize.
    he doesn't want to stop
    because he's afraid
    that he might have been defeated
    long ago.
    i understand him,
    he loves me when no one else
    will. I watch him blink-
    he does it like fireflies.
    eyes moving and miraculously burning
    simultaneously accepting all that the night had collected
    and pressing me for answers.
    sometimes he cries-
    while a warm body sleeps on a bed nearby.
    he's quiet when the world doesn't make sense,
    and the others notice so quickly,
    so he waits for them to fall far away and he cries to me.
    grazing my skin with sweaty finger tips
    wanting simple things to happen.
    i told him last night,
    that he has to keep searching;
    that forgiveness is not a burden
    not a gift, never wrong, and always really
    fucking hard. i want him to know
    that i've been with him this long
    because i get him, but i can't love him
    the way he loves me. he'll realize
    all i have to give him by the time he dies.
    after the audience finishes applauding our work
    after the pages are gone, the files deleted.
    the days may have passed but
    he craves time travel,
    not to change a thing
    but to watch over and over again
    the moments that hurt the most
    and maybe believe a bit more
    that it all happens for a reason.
    murder murder

  2. #2
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    murder murder

  3. #3
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: thunder

    This seriously brought tears to my eyes.

    I don't know whatever inspired you to write this but it's the best thing I've read in a long time. Everything was well placed, and it really impacted me. I could have sworn this was written by someone I know. I mean the voice is so developed and concise.
    What made you write this?
    can I kick it?

  4. #4
    Banned
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    Re: thunder

    Your very good at what you do.
    Do I need to say anymore?

    One of the best pieces I've read here so far. Everything worked down to a T.
    You even used words like *fucking* and made them fucking poetic.
    So my breath is gasped as I read this - very good writing.

    *he had forgotten that the strength of forgiveness
    has a disgusting undercurrent.
    regret fills his gums,
    hurts like a swollen tongue.
    this taste, he doesn't recognize.
    he doesn't want to stop
    because he's afraid
    that he might have been defeated
    long ago.*

    This hits home, do I know you? lol

  5. #5
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: thunder

    damn, didn't expect such a positive response from you guys but thank you so much for reading.

    what made me write this...umm, i'd have to say that i've been having some issues with my atheism lately and my relationships with others are becoming more and more daunting. the only thing that stays constant is my love for poetry, i feel like i abuse it, and love it. but as much as i do, it's just an object; an expression. it'll never love me back. so i wrote this to myself, about myself, from the point of view my poetry would have. it's sort of hard to explain, and probably better for the reader to come to his own impression of it, but it can be taken a lot of ways.

    we expect so much of ourselves dude.

    and i don't think we know each other senor boer, but you're a very good writer.
    murder murder

  6. #6
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: thunder

    Hall of Fame, for sure.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...573/index.html
    Return the favor, please?



    This was deffinently one of the most emotional reads I've come across since becoming mod five months ago. It holds a real oldschool vibe to it, like some Allen Poe or Robert Frost style. Wording was almost fuckin' flawless. I really liked the voice you had given in this poem man. Really shows that you can still write, no matter how long the haitus. You know? Fantastic read man, comeback and write more often.

  7. #7
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: thunder

    I'll say only thus:
    Intelligent, deep, real, and enlightening. You opened a window to yourself and made the reader felt what you felt...The time traveling bit...the rewatching to know that it all happened for a reason... ugh, its so beautifully existential.
    Simply beautiful. Thank you for posting this.

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