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Thread: Ether Poetry

  1. #1
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Ether Poetry

    Ether Poetry

    It needs a fatal attraction,
    past our pursuit of props
    into the Elysian field of our thoughts.
    It needs to be so deep,
    it burrows beneath
    the structured buildings
    of insecurities,
    deconstructing the foundation
    and finding the well of
    lost memories.
    It needs to make them spring forth
    and crystallize on the eyelashes.
    It needs to be southern wind,
    up from within and bursting
    forth through lungs, past the skin,
    and out into this world; beyond metaphysics.
    It needs to sting, writhing as is streams
    from the pen, like it hurt to not be written,
    melting through the paper into
    our mouths to escape as a spirit’s spark;
    Igniting the mind and burning the padded walls.
    Floodgates are open...Now Empty yourself.

    And the after effects almost disable speech.
    Vomiting ghost until your
    haunting past is a mirror to your condition.
    Pieces of flesh will lie among you,
    bleeding still because Emotion’s
    frantic pulse is eternal.
    Your brittle fists broken,
    although once rusted open,
    are now closed and clenched:
    Raised at the sky in passion; ecstasy.
    You screamed and the Divine screamed back,
    both weeping for the understanding
    of each other’s being.
    You spoke reality into existence.

    This isn’t a mere uttering of words;
    This isn’t structured poetic devices and pros;
    This isn’t the quenching of recognition or approval.

    This is silence broken… no, shattered;
    This is truth spoken, inscribed into time.
    This is existence pondered, questioned,
    and responded too by a person who
    recognizes their finality.

    This is poetry.
    Last edited by Spoken Deity; January 14th, 2011 at 11:45 AM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    Well I found this to be quite the interesting read. I really liked your word choices for sure. My favourite stanza was the second one, it really exemplified the emotion you put into this and the cry for help that all of us come to at some point. One thing I didn't like so much were those bridges between the stanzas, set up the way they were. If they were somehow put together or placed at the beginning of the stanzas they would be more suited I think. I also felt the ellipses were used a bit much, but that's just me.
    I really dug the physicality of the first stanza. I like it a lot. All the relations to human pain, and the line "like it hurts to not be written". The honesty of the last two stanzas really encapsulates what this poem is about too. I also think "You screamed and the Divine screamed back" is one of the most heartwrenching lines I've read in awhile. Overall, really good job. If you could leave feed on "the lion and the ram" or "from the small of your back", I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
    can I kick it?

  4. #4
    Big Guns.... obseqious's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    agreed it is interesting i think i got a grasp of what is going on here, but obviosly left unspoiled...LOL the only interesting thing i ponder is the context of divine as in Christus Victor does not dictate this phrase as proper"

    You screamed and the Divine screamed back,
    both weeping for the understanding
    of each other’s being. "
    however other then that, i thought this started off with a scheme then stoped almost like a freelance type of poetry, i often do tiis style when i am writting for myself. i enjoyed the peice and can only imagine the story behind
    so, word play i thought was very good, met where good, shceme was mixed and vocab was ok., what really cought me however is the way that things were percieved and interpereted.
    ""If you write for yourself or a loved one, you can never be wrong!!!!""
    -The world makes me cold,the marines make me thoughtless-the difference between you and me is, thats just it...

  5. #5
    Fuqqk You LiL'LADiE's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    Your poem was good, it sounded like you had put alot of thought into your writing. Your words choice was excellent. You sound like you know what your doing. The structure was aiight. && everything else seemed. good.
    ★☮☻ Been gone for a minute,but now i'm back★☮☻

  6. #6
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    It needs to sting, writhing as is streams
    from the pen, like it hurt to not be written,
    Fantastic.

    Dug this piece a lot. I've read a lot of poetry and I think that feeling you captured there... that burning need... is at the heart of a lot of great pieces. When you have a story to let out that hurts to be told... that's when the rawest pieces are written. I know for myself personally, those type of pieces are typically my better ones.

    As a piece itself, I enjoyed the visual aspect of the piece.. memories crystallizing on eye lashes, brittle fists clenched and reaching towards the sky, etc. Very sensory.

    It needs to be so deep,
    it burrows beneath
    the structured buildings
    of insecurities,
    deconstructing the foundation
    and finding the well of
    lost memories.
    Loved this.

    I think I like this piece a lot because it speaks to what I think writing should be, in the purest form... something you don't usually see a lot of. People often get too caught up in using big words and fancy poetic devices that they water down their pieces to make them 'sound' better. This reminds us of the importance not to.

    Loved it.
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


  7. #7
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    Thanks all, I agree with your statements on the indents spoken... So I re-read and edited. Thanks everyone

  8. #8
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    This was really fucking ill.

    It needs to be southern wind,
    up from within and bursting
    forth through lungs, past the skin,
    and out into this world; beyond metaphysics.
    It needs to sting, writhing as is streams
    from the pen, like it hurt to not be written,
    I loved that and the last few lines of the next stanza. Great work. I have one criticism though. .

    Elysian field
    . . .Yeah, I guess people should research their Greek Mythology, huh? Lol. I bet 99% of people have no clue what that means.
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  9. #9
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    upp

  10. #10
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    Well it has already been nominated so I don't really need to do that, anyhow...this piece was really good, it seems the topic really got you and you wrote something more unique and interesting compared to what many others, including myself, usually write/read. Or maybe, this was just a better written piece, idk. The main thing I liked about this was the detail, the breakdown and further deep digging into each concept. The concept it self wasn't something great but the way it was executed was brilliant. Good enough concept plus great execution man. Good work.
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    TNL

  11. #11
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    up...

  12. #12
    Verge the Great Masahiko.'s Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    Dude, the last couple stanza's were perfected. The first two were great, but I think they could have been slimmed down a bit. The structure of this was kinda unorthodox, but the content was there, and so was your imagery and metaphors. Was there a reason your structure went from two long stanzas to two short ones, or was that just coincidence? I really enjoyed some of these lines:

    "It needs to sting, writhing as is streams
    from the pen, like it hurt to not be written,
    melting through the paper into
    our mouths to escape as a spirit’s spark;"

    then later on:

    "And the after effects almost disable speech.
    Vomiting ghost until your
    haunting past is a mirror to your condition. "

    and the closing stanzas, I felt just capped it off with the sugar on top, haha. Dude, this was a good piece. I feel like you can probably slim the first stanzas up a little bit, or maybe break them down to fit in a more structured way, unless of course there was a reason behind the way you structured this.
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  13. #13
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    I thought this was really well written. It was a free flow of thoughts that transitioned smoothly from one to the next and if you know me I love that style. the metaphors drove this piece and much as the flashes of images. I loved the contrast between the three lines that started with "this isn't" and then the three lines that battled it with "this is". and I couldn't agree more with those 6 lines. Very well done.

    "Floodgates are open...Now, Empty yourself."
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  14. #14
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Ether Poetry

    This was dope, I loved the language in this piece, a blend of intellect and simplicity that few writers manage to pull off. What I really liked about this was the honesty, it's easy to tell when someone is holding back, it sticks out like a sore thumb in their writing, but I could actually feel the passion in these words, which is why it is so enthralling and enjoyable. The concept isn't that original but then again no concept ever is if you think about it. All in all the direction you took on this dope and the wording, metaphors and etc. were creative and emotional. Great drop,

    Keep it coming

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