The Aftermath.

[abiona]

(reposted from PS... haven't been writing much lately)

Written to... this beat by Amadeus

[SOUNDCLICK]8096380[/SOUNDCLICK]


The Aftermath Of You

I.
If these walls could talk
they would speak of morning's sun
blanketing sleeping bodies,
breakfast in bed
and a love
that swore it had no end.

They would tell of midnight slow dances,
Sade's serenades,
and you and me,
hugging each other with our laughter.

If these walls spoke the truth,
they would tell of your arm
arced over my back,
curled like a question mark
around my silence.
They would betray the secrets of sleepless nights,
of my pacing feet
wearing grooves into the floor.

They would sob with the images
that cowered in their corners;
your wild eyes and sweaty brow,
heavy hand and painful sounds
that could never be forgotten.

They would not hide truth behind a broken smile,
or pack it into the backs of closets
amidst boxes and winter coats
only to be brought out
when the weather turns cold.

If these walls could talk,
they would remind me of our story

so I could remember

how to make it end.



II.
This is a broken home
with closed windows and locked doors
filled with ghost shadows and echoed voices.
Your face, absent from picture frames,
yet still I see you
in the dust
that lines their edges.


Your scent in my sheets.
Your footsteps in the hall.
I have scrubbed my skin raw a thousand times
but find you still
embedded in my pores.

Sarcophagus heart,
tomb in my chest,
I have left you here to die.
Bartered emotion for sanity
and prayed for nights
when your face
would no longer line the backs of eyelids.

There is no breath here.
No air.
I choke on the memory of you.
Swallow words and speak in silence,
there is nothing more to say.
Nothing left to give.

You are a cave,
filled up with the parts of me
that I have already let go.

The gentle smile,
the beating heart,
the opened hand,
the trusting way.


All is lost
in the aftermath
of you.




links.
mind restraints.
here comes the rain again.

[spokenoh]

The first thing that really grabbed my attention was the duality of this. I like how you denote the two separate parts, and split the poem into two chapters of thought.
The personification of the walls was a great way to structure the first section. I didn't get tired of the repetition, and contrary to how I usually feel, added depth to the descriptions and the buildup. One of the ways I construct my writing is by taking a specific idea or metaphor, and building upon it, and you did it masterfully. Your diction and imagery was fucking amazing, to say the least.
"they would tell of your arm
arced over my back,
curled like a question mark
around my silence.
They would betray the secrets of sleepless nights,
of my pacing feet
wearing grooves into the floor."

Those stood out to me. You ended it well to, breaking off the last lines and placing them by alone.
The second section was really where the whole thing was going. I found parts of it weaker than the first. I didn't like how it ended, although I probably couldn't offer a better way - it just didn't fit with the level you established throughout the rest. It's not even weak, just weaker compared to the rest. I feel horrible saying that considering I fell in love with your writing style even more by reading this. I get the impression of Plath when I read the second part, and I love it. Those first two stanzas were embellished with the kind of poetry I haven't read in a long time. The description of scrubbing skin raw is gorgeous. Get active again, so I can read more.

[Masahiko.]

Damn I didn't even know you posted this girl.

First of all, I don't ever mind losing to a piece like this. Your descriptiveness and emotional driven choice of words set the mood so well. A couple examples of where I seen this stand out:

"Sade's serenades,
and you and me,
hugging each other with our laughter. "

The alliteration in the first line, loved it. Serenade is such a beautiful word and is used very effectively at the beginning of this poem, to show a perfect storybook romance.

"They would betray the secrets of sleepless nights,
of my pacing feet
wearing grooves into the floor. "

When the poem changes it's mood from happy go lucky (Which I interpreted as what people see a couple is like, not knowing the grimy details of fighting and a "real" relationship) I definitely see a change in your word choice, giving me a more gloomy not so good feeling inside like damn, I thought shit was perfect. Using the word betray gave me a good sense of a mood change.

"Your face, absent from picture frames,
yet still I see you
in the dust
that lines their edges. "

"I have scrubbed my skin raw a thousand times
but find you still
embedded in my pores. "

To describe someone as dust just makes me tingle a little. So overlooked yet so damn apparent at the same time. The dirty look and the grimy feel is definitely reoccurring in the piece. From the metaphor of the dust, to trying to cleanse yourself from it, but like ink it stays for a little while.

"You are a cave,
filled up with the parts of me
that I have already let go. "

The perfect set up for the ending. To know that the disaster has taken the good the clean and the comfort out of you. Locked forever in this person for now he holds all that you used to be and that you will forever be changed by this experience. Which is so true with relationships.

There isn't much to say bad about this piece abi. Good job, and You definately diserved that win girl.

[HighEngineChief]

I hope you're getting some of this work published, you really have a great poetic grasp and you know how to dig into the deeper fabrics of language and thought, anyway this was dope. The wording was very smooth and rhythmic, with a slight rhyme scheme that made the whole thing amazingly fluint. The first act(just going by roman numeral usage) was crazy, the third stanza really stood out to me, it had a real sensual vibe to it, great writing. The second act opened up with two of my favorite lines in the piece they have a strange irony to them. You tied every thing up nicey and described the destruction of a relationship gone sour so well. Dopesauce.

[LedgenZ]

It’s hard for me to write…scratch that…express just how powerful this poem was. I mean, I got lost in your words. To the point that I completely forgot about what this poem’s purpose was. To me it was straight emotion and beautiful imagery…it was vivid, visceral, and real…which is quite a feat given the fact that most of the metaphors were extremely metaphysical…like I said…it’s just hard for me to explain what I felt…I got lost…and I am unfortunately limited by simple language skills and/or a lack there of. I don’t know…it’s like the more I get into to poetry the less I care about the amount of techniques applied, devices used, or structure presented…I only care about the feeling I get while reading and the feeling that remains after I’m finished --the moments that move me and the lines that inspire me. Everything else is just technicalities and mechanics…they no longer appeal to me. Anyway, this was dope Abby…I see you still have it. Great piece…I was truly impressed.

[Race]

They would sob with the images
that cowered in their corners;
your wild eyes and sweaty brow,
heavy hand and painful sounds
that could never be forgotten.
^i liked this
or pack it into the backs of closets
amidst boxes and winter coats
only to be brought out
when the weather turns cold.
^well written

i really enjoyed this write, im going to look other things up from u. nice real nice

rtf please http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...130/index.html

[Jæk]

very beautiful work, i could feel what your saying,

Your scent in my sheets.
Your footsteps in the hall.
I have scrubbed my skin raw a thousand times
but find you still
embedded in my pores.

this stood out
very descriptive
gives a deep visual of your almost distress to rid of him

[Spoken Deity]

this is fucking epic. Easy hall of fame.

How it moves with the beat and reads with the ups and downs is whats so amazing to me. I love it. The imagery just had a real, to the point feel to it. It wasn't romantic. It was SO visual. The Questions mark statement is a perfect example.
Great language... intelligent, but not arrogant or elitist. Everything in this was on point. I've got nothing to critique.

[Atti]

the morning you wake up and realize you love her/the morning you wake and realize she's left. all at once. missed you brat.

[topher]

"If these walls could talk
they would speak of morning's sun
blanketing sleeping bodies,
breakfast in bed
and a love
that swore it had no end."

&

"
"Your face, absent from picture frames,
yet still I see you
in the dust
that lines their edges. "

those were good





this is really great. i must of read this a couple of times now. your writing style flows very smoothly and makes it easy to read. your metaphors throughout the whole poem felt intense and give off a feel good feeling. nothing seemed forced and thats what i look for the most because i like writing to be as free written as possible.