cold taste of steel deadly flavoring
vision clear as the darkest night i listen
envision my sorroundings through the sounds
my ears pierced they bleed for a angels prayer
my knees ache for forgiveness
he doesnt listen
click
my life spins on its axis with 1/8th chance of existence
tears fall for my mother
because this time when the gun goes bang
ill be far from home
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...989/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ml#post7339880
definately a little short in my opinion, but I thought the wording and impact were nice...
A sombre and bleak tone throughout the piece, couldnt help feeling a sense of helplessness at the closing..A solid verse, but I think it needed a little more content or maybe a 'backstory'....still a solid read.... peace...
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
thanx for the feed i try to describe the short instance between life and death in reali this would happen in seconds
ups
interesting peice....
body was good, structure was good, vocab -ok, met-eh filler eh. for the most part a reali piece but unfortunatly...bad juju if that would happen...i think you could use some more imagry, the peice seemed a bit dry for me
""If you write for yourself or a loved one, you can never be wrong!!!!""
-The world makes me cold,the marines make me thoughtless-the difference between you and me is, thats just it...
ok ok i feel that
Posting Rules
Reply With Quote