Shy

[artisan.]

he was a smoker since age 16, and I've always wondered
if maybe it was a way to cleanse conscience, if somehow adolescence
finally bested his will and squishing toxins between chapped lips
was the mini version of a mechanics hands cranking throats, of everyone
who'd ever burnt a hole in that heart (which managed to bloom in Michigan winters
and the usual mayhem of Boomer's homes.)

he calls me second generation, as if I'd been conceived
next to his tray of regrets--my mother always hated the smell
(I noticed)smoke, is never pleasant, kind of like his smile
a sign of haphazard love, the only version available to babies
who shotgunned misery like war in the womb
born to rubble and ashes
smoke looming in parental lungs, unable to let the past
go, undocumented.

he continued smoking and I continued watching
perplexed how I had more concern for his life than mine orhimforhisormine,
because 2nd hand things never count...but I was 1st! child with hand me downs,
twisted logic (like "do as I say not as I do")
sunk in
while concern of how soft my heart grew, sang
like the leather of his hands winding around "the belt" flicking
swings kin to his cigarettes, quickly, violently
so no one would see what fell
or felt.


he is close to 50 now, a marlboro reds man and I am still second
generation, with not enough grief
for death sticks...instead I write, silly lines
disjointed thoughts swollen with self censorship
(fear)
I do not want you to see
how his memory free falls like a giant glow stick
along with the charred remains of childhood and home
a swarm of hot (hurt)exploding into fireworks--a festival of hide and seek
with that little girl, who continues watching, sans mirror...

waiting for the feeling of dead
skin to relieve itself of her body, dandruff like ashes
from the past pursue surface, air and ink serving the same purpose
after years upon years of surpression...

because I will not bleed away in trays of glass,
I'd rather a casket



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...245/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...217/index.html

[LiL'LADiE]

i really really enjoyed reading this, the words were good. the layout was good, i liked how you described everything detailed you could somewhat visualize it, it was deep really good. i like how you put some of the words in parentheses that made it stand out. i hope to read more of your work.

[Spoken Deity]

You can write. Thats for sure.
You kind of have a contemporary edge to you but have a semi-traditional way of writing. The little side comments like (fear) and what not really help this. It was interesting. The story progression was well done. Each transition to and from a stanza was great. The language was consistent, which worked with the structure. No idea if this was a real life experience, I don't care really, but you did a great job of drawing out and displaying emotion.
Overall, keep posting. You'll get shit because your style is utterly disconnected with modern hip-hop, so a lot of people may not know what to do about it. But this is the kind of stuff I'm interested in reading.

nomed.

[generalmager]

waiting for the feeling of dead
skin to relieve itself of her body, dandruff like ashes
from the past pursue surface, air and ink serving the same purpose
after years upon years of surpression...

because I will not bleed away in trays of glass,
I'd rather a casket

Very interesting,, Still trying to figure out exactly what you getting at in the end. Like you won't be too shy to say anything or something not sure. But I really enjoyed reading it.

[LosFerra]

I love poems like this where it's like story telling with out losing the form and essence of poetry. I think it'll help if you were a tad bit more descriptive, it'll give the reader a deeper picture to paint in their mind. With a style like yours it relies alot on imagery, there so the deeper you go with the description, the better the outcome. The diction was simple, but it worked well for your piece and in the end your message got through to me.

I understand we write for our enjoyment so I don't mean to offend by offering advice, but to help you better your feedback and ultimately yourself.