my Thai lover

[spokenoh]

my Thai lover,
you, Ancient Queen,
the tender skin of a famous dream
spread the stubble shavings
of legs double-crossed
like you were
the bald men, the tailored lawyer smiles
and leather briefcases, broken dolls,
heads strangled from bodies
and eyes which hide
from day

women,
girls, but mostly children,
your youth drowned like a cat
in a bag, curiosity killed
when the van pulled away
daughters
never again siblings but single
one, two, he picks you -
and your scabs harden
your heart

but it isn't for sale,
set to see a gentlemen whose
love opens your sores
and heals your soul
- no
this auction is for you
now
and you can bid love
adieu

my Thai lover,
us, cornered hopeless,
hold hands like stars
between the bars,
swallow cold rice and press
fingertips to the bricklayers
that confine,
that define where we
can't go, the angels
we can't touch
and we would rather
wilt inside than starve
on famined streets

where fate
is stolen moments, faithless omens
and each of us clad in clamydia
and naked of nourishment -
virginity wrestled from our wombs
and the scars line our body
in dollar signs
and Caucasian eyes

rather prostitution than destitution

so yes
we are hookers
and we are daughters
we are sisters
and we are mothers

we are stripped of our souls,
we are Thai lovers

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...245/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...696/index.html

[Kaotyc]

I see you need to follow the rules to. Good verses though, needs a better worded flow for me to be able to flow on it and not skip up other then that it really depends on how you speak it.

[SMZ]

*ooops this is Missamanda... nate got on to check the site and I forgot to log him off*

I see you need to follow the rules to. Good verses though, needs a better worded flow for me to be able to flow on it and not skip up other then that it really depends on how you speak it.

it's a poem. not a verse.

idiot.


mute

I will critique indepth soon...

btw, I don't suppose you'd be offended if I tried a glosa with your piece? ...prolly be up tomorrow since I will have visitors today...

[artisan.]

"where fate
is stolen moments, faithless omens
and each of us clad in clamydia
and naked of nourishment -
virginity wrestled from our wombs
and the scars line our body
in dollar signs
and Caucasian eyes

rather prostitution than destitution"


I really like these lines...they are the heart of the poem.

I had a hard time deciding who was speaking. It starts as if you are observing with use of 2nd person and you turns into us after a bit on fate. I would assume it is a switching of viewpoints that bears witness to the same all around dismal reality...

I enjoyed the visuals in this...you speak as an advocate not so much submerging the reader in an experience as you are making them aware, with this frame of mind the ending could be reworked, imo... but overall it is a good read and well written.

[spokenoh]

thanks for reading, and no problem on the glosa poem if that's what you would like to do. By the way, I haven't replied on all of your stuff but you're an excellent writer and I'll be sure to leave something on this last one you wrote.

[Neruda II]

i love this so much.

[spokenoh]

finally some love!

[Neruda II]

im serious dude. i was eating dinner at some fancy restaurant today and for some reason looked up this piece on my phone and it sucked me in again.

i need you to help me rewrite a shitty piece of mine btw.

[Mantra]

finally some love!

i suppose i should actually feed one of your poems with all the help you give me...but i did nom this last month

and sharp, this is late as fuck
but Thunder is one of my absolute favorite pieces on here, just want to say that since i wasnt around when you posted it.

[Neruda II]

thanks man, i like that one too.

i read it all of the time, which is strange cause i rarely read my own shit after i post it

[Neruda II]

also fuck you

[Mantra]

fuck me? or mc pinnacle?

[spokenoh]

fuck you both for slutting up my thread, you skankywanks.