Greatest Achievement

[Alyse Miller]

Perhaps I don't need dreaming to sleep after all,
Yet awake I achieve more through-out alertness.
Turning goals over rejections pages,
reading book's to success.
But yet,
I have mountainous burdens submerged
Where my shoulder blade's meet arm.
Lifting limitless weight,
I cave in ware rock's reside.
Engraved salt covers failures wounds,
Makes it hard for my legs to lift.
Lift me
It’s so hard
When helping hands extend,
your's retract in fear.
All you have is you, Your self.
Faded tint vision, sour smell of life
I sense what can, and would happen.
But I don't prevent,
I let it fall though as planned
The Golden Rule is written,
This time in stone
On the ground of breakers
As far stretched over tainted pebbles
Slowly covering its secrets.
For time being,
I do what I can accomplish
Goals
Tasks
Life
It’s final breath's
To take in,
sensual aftertastes.
Swallowing with parched throat
Roughly grazing my diaphragm
With ridged pride.
My Stomach catches such large knot
Splashes in my acids,
Burning holes into nervousness.
Holy Strength
Reveled
In true forms reflections.
Grant thy soul power
Spirit and the body
Cross me with good luck holding a rabbit’s foot.
In the name of Jesus, father, and the Holy Ghost
To empower me
For thy life’s work to be recognized
As my Greatest Achievements.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...679/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...739/index.html

[Alyse Miller]

upin 1

[Messiah.]

Very nice, short because of the mixed up line length but it was detailed, enjoyable and fresh. You included some nice imagery into it which gave it a nice feel to it and tied it down with some good emotion to make it pop. Your vocabulary was strong but not over powered so that was a plus and your storyline ran smoothly getting through from start to finish being quite concise and not really waffling.

Good piece, I'm glad you are improving.
You shall never be as good as the master mwahahahah.

Just kidding.
Sorry for the short feed I'm majorly busy.

-Messy.

[Mafioso.]

Perhaps I don't need dreaming to sleep after all,
Yet awake I achieve more through-out alertness
aight love the 1st line but in the 2cd need better wordin

aight o be real i enjoyued this alt the concept was dope...now first u need to work on ya wordin and the way u present ur lines, make it easier for us to read cuz at some points u had great emotion and flow then u messed it up wit a line that wasnt really presented well..as I continued reading the emotion got stronger

Turning goals over rejections pages,
reading book's to success.
But yet,
I have mountainous burdens submerged
Where my shoulder blade's meet arm

fuckin dope I liked this alot the way u presented this was dopey good shit

When helping hands extend,
your's retract in fear.
All you have is you, Your self.
Faded tint vision, sour smell of life
I sense what can, and would happen.
But I don't prevent,
I let it fall though as planned

also a good part from u good shit...strong I like the way u presented this too...

aight I reread it forget wat I said the first time...ya wordin really wasnt all that bad u started this shit off strong with great emotio, I felt wat u were sayin fuckin dope
now as at the end is where I felt the emotion wasnt as strong...not sayin it was bad cuz it wasnt but I wanted to feel wat i first felt at the beggining of this poem...I like the concept like I said, but like I told u in ur om fuck tryna be recognized u just continue writing and enjoy it if u dont enjoy it then theres no purpose...writing is not meant for u to be recognized its meant for u to write and enjoy it....I'm learning that with the help of my crew....anyway u are defiently elavating as a writer this is prolly one of the best poems I've read from u u present a lot of nice lines good shit and conitune writing,

[Alyse Miller]

thanks upping

[Messiah.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...705/index.html

Can you hit this thread ^

To the top for this.