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Thread: Immortality

  1. #1
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Immortality

    Clutching to haultered breath,
    a nameless guitar plucked our rotten apple poetry...
    noose like chords drained the wrists
    of artistocrat street kids;
    as hazard sign parents forgot tongues
    could be functional
    without a daily fix of nuclear opinion

    We self medicated ourselves with gods...
    injecting the words of train wreck slaves
    as a cure for mediocrity;
    hendrix lent us the
    ovary riff that birthed our ears,
    every nuance shook the foundations
    of creative caverns...
    until more skulls split with ideas;
    so with this needle pen we etch the
    drug of our choice deep into the veins
    of every letter...
    forming junkie scentances hooked on
    the concept that we just might just posess...
    Immortality.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  2. #2
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    Quote Originally Posted by Poeta demonio View Post
    We self medicated ourselves with gods...
    injecting the words of train wreck slaves
    as a cure for mediocrity;
    This was absolutely brilliant.

    I miss the vividness of your words and how raw you write.

    No need to nit-pick this. I'd rather take it for meaning and not measure or mechanics. Glad to see you still let some feeling leak through your words.

    I won't fool myself in asking if this is a comeback... but I'll secretly hope for it. lol.

    <333333333
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


  3. #3
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    aww thank you ... It was pretty much just to test the waters to see if I can still even write. It's been so fucking long! So I guess I'm toying with idea ofmaking a writing come back haha.

    I'll go grab two links.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...562/index.html

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...032/index.html
    Last edited by Poeta Demonio; June 20th, 2010 at 08:52 AM
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  4. #4
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    feed me?
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  5. #5
    I'm here to Destroy YOU! Galactus The Devourer's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    Mad raw.. I dont let measure get in the way when I read poems.. So I wouldnt be able to say if this was structured correctly and what have you.. What I can speak to, is the fact that I enjoyed this alot..

    good drop.. pz and respect
    Se7en Travels

  6. #6
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    Re: Immortality

    hmm..Poeta WB...I see you 2 have decided to get back into the swing of things in the poetry land of RB...nice to have you back, it's pure writing like this that get those creative juices going..I thought this piece was well written..you had some a very creative way to some of your approachs..and imagery..so with that being said this was a very good read..thx for writing and good to have you back..

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...341/index.html

    rtf pls.

  7. #7
    ♥♥♥ Nika Subin's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    Word on the whole "make a writing comeback" dealio. I keep telling myself it's like riding a bicycle and you never forget, but deep down I know nothing will ever be the same. It's two different people writing.

    Now here is what is up, I do not have the privilege of being familiar with any of your other works. So this one is forced to stand on it's own. Which is what it needs to be able to do anyway.

    Check it... I don't normally critique like this, but I don't normally critique poetry either.

    Clutching to haultered breath,
    ^Great start. What I see here is giving a reference point for all readers. The pause in breathing.

    a nameless guitar plucked our rotten apple poetry...
    ^Not feeling "apple" and "poetry." But at the same time, I sense those words may have been chosen for a specific reason by the author. With that reason unknown to me, I'm left with my own idea. A no named guitar means anybody. "Our" implies more than one association by the writer.

    noose like chords drained the wrists
    ^Noose like chords produces an image of the same guitar being plucked by someone unknown... yet the strings are wrapped around said someone's wrists. To me this invokes The Cutter. Someone I'm familiar with myself in my own way, but like any common enough phenomenon is unique to everybody.

    of artistocrat street kids;
    ^I'm not familiar with aristocrat street kids. This creates for my imagination a new archetype. One in which The Cutter puts their own mark upon.

    as hazard sign parents forgot tongues
    could be functional
    ^I liked this part the best. We show warning labels to our kids, but don't explain them. Even to the aristocratic street kid, nobody is immune to careless parenting. Yet not all parents are careless. But in this specific case, in this specific instance, all the parents could have done was talk. Without talking in a relationship, of course the cutter re-awakens.

    without a daily fix of nuclear opinion
    ^Oh... I get the rotten apple now. It's all radioactive. Like wa-boom.

    And then I was all like... oh wait! There is more! But... the first part was the strongest, to me at least. The next part was in the same vein awesome as all heck. But it seemed possibly to me to be about something different.

    But by no means... I think this was about poetry. Rotten apple poetry, as you put it with precision. I feel like... you feel you're compelled to write. It's just the effects of reverberation and echoes. And to what ends? To the ends few would achieve. Immortality. Not... literal. Though that'd be nice too. But recognized for one's awesomeness. And to me, that is by all means a goal worth going for and I salute you for putting in the effort to achieve it.

    -
    [youtube]3JWXNPaLSkA[/youtube]

    you know I wanna feel special



    MCL

  8. #8
    Born from Ink Spekz.'s Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    I enjoyed the concept of "immortality" and the way you brought it to life so to speak.. away from the typical single immortal...but more as a lifestyle, a product... it was short and sweet.. but it had hints of brilliant imagery n lines that let you kinda fabricate your own kinda vision of how immortality was eventually gained... liked the references to the individual arts n styles etc...

    overall your story, however short, was compelling.. and id say your wording, vocab etc.. is as solid as usual

    good looks
    Succeed Without Fear



    Written Voices

  9. #9
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    Upping :P
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  10. #10
    .exe Android's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    Clutching to haultered breath,
    a nameless guitar plucked our rotten apple poetry...
    noose like chords drained the wrists
    of artistocrat street kids;
    as hazard sign parents forgot tongues
    could be functional
    without a daily fix of nuclear opinion

    Loved this stanza man, some really nice lines in there such as 'rotten apple poetry' gave me the impression that poetry has gone past the point where it was popular. Liked the 'artistocrat' part as well, nice play on words. Overall lots of nice metaphors in this, well done.

    We self medicated ourselves with gods...
    injecting the words of train wreck slaves
    as a cure for mediocrity;
    hendrix lent us the
    ovary riff that birthed our ears,
    every nuance shook the foundations
    of creative caverns...
    until more skulls split with ideas;
    so with this needle pen we etch the
    drug of our choice deep into the veins
    of every letter...
    forming junkie scentances hooked on
    the concept that we just might just posess...
    Immortality.

    Wow, I really liked this stanza too. 'self medicated with gods' is probably my favourite line so far and the following lines fit the mood set well. Makes me think that people only believe in their gods to feel different. Had to look nuance up lol never heard that word used before. Thought the ending was abrupt but complimented the mood of the piece perfectly. Overall this was great, I would have loved for another stanza between the 2 but you have some very nice metaphorical content. I'll nominate this for HoF since June hasn't even been inducted yet I don't think. lol



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  11. #11
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: Immortality

    i dont get scentances
    murder murder

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