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Thread: Reading

  1. #1
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Reading

    Reading

    I drink from the bottle filled
    with the messages you never said.
    Each little word sobers me and brings back
    memories of the novels you said with your eyes.
    I let you choke on the noose around your neck
    because I was concerned with what you weren’t saying.

    When you stepped off that chair you hung high in the sky;
    now you cling to the ground as if the world’s tilting,
    like God is sending wrath your way and you’re ducking.
    Maybe I should lay with you and confess the depth of my sin,
    but I feel you’re all ready drowning.
    Another drop in this ocean will just be too much.

    This bottle floated through the sea for so long.
    It holds every ounce of you and is covered with your experience;
    sea to churning sea, corner to corner of the map.
    Maybe I was the one single beacon of hope amongst the wrecked
    and I didn’t reach out to save you.
    I didn’t think I could get you so far down below the surface,
    so tangled in trauma and weighed down with guilt, how could I have saved you?

    Would an apology for my inadequacies mean anything?
    I didn't know they were choking your words,
    drowning your faith,
    and smothering your soul.

    Everything that needs saying was written on you.
    If only I had taken the time to read.





    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...753/index.html

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...210/index.html
    Last edited by Spoken Deity; October 2nd, 2010 at 11:32 AM

  2. #2
    fLAMEDUBBALLERGATZ
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    Re: Reading

    yeah, is this what you posted last week in the league? I don't think I voted on your battle so I didn't get a chance to read it, but I'm glad I did now. It's really good. You have a very clean, crisp way of writing that makes every line shine. There was a plaintiveness it throughout that really worked, and it got to me. This was just a really good piece of writing and you also used the picture really well. My one gripe is that I think you forced the ending in a little bit to fit with the picture, when you didn't need to, or at least that's what it felt like, I don't think you needed to do that, I think this would be just as strong without.

    Anyways, this should probably go in the HOF.

  3. #3
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Reading

    uppin

  4. #4
    SirVent
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    Re: Reading

    Yeah this is hof material to me. You have a pretty unique way of writing, a unique way if saying what you want to say, in a perfect manner. I can't find anything majorly wrong except I do agree w/ Mac about the ending being slightly force to fit the picture, and also abrupt. But other than that, I can fuck with this, love the vibe it gives off. Keep scripting

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  5. #5
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Reading

    Will return all favors if links

  6. #6
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: Reading

    it's really good man. I read this like a month ago but never left a reply, which I regret. I think the only 'real' inconsistency is the poetic superiority of the first stanza in comparison to the rest. I got the indication that you began writing this in a laborious way, linking together the beginning concepts. You did a wonderful job at it, but it's absent or diminished in the rest of the poem. This doesn't mean that the rest isn't up to par - just that there is a language shift and a change of delivery. For myself, I always struggle between writing what I feel and what I think. With that said, it appears the first stanza was the case of the latter. Not a mistake or anything, just an inconsistency I found.
    Now my next comment might seem to be contradictory to what I just said, but one thing that really stood out was your ability to carry ideas from one stanza to the next, beginning with the ideas within the first stanza. I really dug the relationship between being overwhelmed and drowning. It's such a provoking comparison and you have great word choice in describing how one can try to bury their pain. I liked the metaphor.
    Another aspect of this poem which is interesting is how the reader identifies with the narrative. At the beginning it's easy to sympathize with them, like they are a victim, but slowly the voice becomes more demeaning. I find the voice more interesting than anything.
    You know, I can't really remember how to give a good reply anymore but this is a great poem and deserves a good read.
    can I kick it?

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