User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: Music Lessons

  1. #1
    TNL Clee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    1,503
    Battle Record
    2-1
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Music Lessons

    written by Clee, King & Konquerer




    I always thought it was funny
    how you were so colorful in such black and white terms,
    it felt like hearing sign language or seeing Braille,
    one day I'd hit a note you could relate with
    and later your world would play a different tune;
    I admit, other than a few faults under the surface
    the craftsmanship on you was perfect-
    delicate yet assertive,
    fit for loud nights and quiet mornings;
    whatever rhythm we had shared faded
    like sweat stains and butterflies at that first gig,
    the one with the broken instrument
    and the music sheet I couldn't read,
    my melody got better with practice
    while ours was bound to crash
    from the first song we played together.

    Assorted keys of subtle hints
    Insecurities to be undone through practice
    Her intricacies are almost endless
    And intimidating when untouched

    She's inviting, yet exclusive
    Daring any to try to play
    That which only few can master
    And create symphony's of passion

    The notes scripted in her eyes
    Translate to irresistable works of art
    Intoxicating and potent
    She can create universes in a moment

    Her lustful sound can transcend time
    Days and nights can be lost
    In her mesmerizing presence
    Without the slightest note of regret

    Pulling your chords; vessels and all,
    Tugging a lung- your cardiac hall
    Puppet strings, I play your favorite
    part, over and over.
    Old folded notes that I always kept close,
    tender hearted, my fingers swept
    along your skin, mesmerized by
    those black and white keys.
    Tempted...by memories
    I trace the lines, flashbacks of you and me
    sweaty palms, attempting to read something
    I could never understand.
    Your notes, complicated and superior
    to my ability of seeing through your mask,
    Taunting. Jumping off the page
    I'll catch you, beneath my fingers.
    you're just symbols between the binding
    I'll learn to play you some day..
    Last edited by Clee; October 27th, 2010 at 01:58 AM

  2. #2
    TNL Clee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    1,503
    Battle Record
    2-1
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: Music Lessons

    links will go here.

  3. #3
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: Music Lessons

    Nothing?

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
        
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Posts
    12,547
    Battle Record
    64-17
    Awards Legendary Battle SAP Champion 1-2 Season Champion FL Champion LLL Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF Legendary Member LLL Season Champion PC HOF

    Re: Music Lessons

    wow i so forgot about this...

    i'll drop links tomorrow, and i'll pm kon and clee to do the same.

  5. #5
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  6. #6
    Pat Blynd's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    600
    Battle Record
    2-10

    Re: Music Lessons

    That's wrong that you haven't gotten any feed on this. This was a really good collab for the most part. The wording was literally musical which fit very well. The one problem I had with it was that at the end of the first paragraph you concluded that you couldn't be together, and at the end of the poem, you concluded that you'd work so you could be together lol. Anyway, the wording worked very well, and the picture was a nice touch. Really enjoyed reading this
    "A Poem can curve
    Like the bell of a tulip
    Or a pistol grip"
    -Joel Dias-Porter


    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  7. #7
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    3,789
    Battle Record
    40-7
    Awards OM HOF Golden Glove Champion LLL HOF 25+ Wins

    Re: Music Lessons

    this was good, I'm surprised that 3 different writers worked on this because the voice of it was very strong and consistent. I'm a sucker for allegories like this, and you guys definitely packaged the metaphor neatly. This was my favorite quatrain:

    The notes scripted in her eyes
    Translate to irresistable works of art
    Intoxicating and potent
    She can create universes in a moment

    I really liked the image of notes scripted in her eyes, since that's what the music sheets look like on a piano (to me at least), so I liked the metaphysical touch. In any case, I really enjoyed this, good poem.

  8. #8
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    ♫ Musicity ♪
    Posts
    8,437
    Battle Record
    15-7

    Re: Music Lessons

    Good poem/collab...

    Couldn't tell who was who, considering I haven't read much material from any of you. Clearly this was another love/music or love for music piece that seemed to work out well for the most part. The first stanza in my opinion was the best, along with the last. At first it seemed as if you were making a direct refrence to the person or thing the poem was refering to, I really liked how well it was worded. I could only see 1 or 2 parts that could have used a tad touch-up on wording in the first stanza. Definitely a well written part of this collaboration. The second and third stanza seemed to change the tone, which I'm assuming comes with a different writer. It wasn't bad, just didn't seem to really entirely mesh with the first stanza. Vocabulary was good, but be careful not to overuse some larger words - not everyone has the same reading level and believe it or not it does change the reader's opinion/view on the work as a whole. Not that you did use too much vocabulary in this case, just a simple reminder, it seemed as if you might in the future in a longer more drawn out piece. The last stanza is really where it all tied together. It connected the reader between the two concepts: music and love (or a girl). This concept is always one of the better ones. This perticular poem seems to be one of the better ones I've read, though I haven't been around much lately, I'm very impressed and I hope all of you continue writing in PS. Good read.

    If you can, return the favor...
    Thanks.
    Artificial.Intelligence

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

  9. #9
    TNL Clee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Indiana
    Posts
    1,503
    Battle Record
    2-1
    Awards Haiku Season Champion

    Re: Music Lessons

    thanks a lot, i wrote the first stanza and would love to collab sometime.

    and i will make sure to return the favor soon.

  10. #10
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: Music Lessons

    Thanks for the feed thus far, I'll return feed to those who fed.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  11. #11
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    34
    Posts
    6,642
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion/IE Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: Music Lessons

    You can, if you feel it's hof worthy.

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Jersey
    Posts
    104
    Battle Record
    6-2

    Re: Music Lessons

    I liked it... im just now getting into poetry that doesnt rhyme every line... took some getting used to... i guess one of the few acquired tastes in my world that i've actually taken to.. i had no idea it was 3 writers until the feedback posts... which makes it not only more impressive.. but leaves more imagination and interpretation open to the reader.. when you see a reflection of self in a piece of work... you relate to the author and "his/her" situation.. but in this case.. you can truly place yourself into the story, because the work is coming from three different minds... ps... is that picture of the piano tattoo from one of you? or did you get that from somewhere else.. its sick and i want it.. lol... good job... here were some of my favorite parts.

    "Pulling your chords; vessels and all,
    Tugging a lung- your cardiac hall
    Puppet strings, I play your favorite
    part, over and over.
    Old folded notes that I always kept close,
    tender hearted, my fingers swept
    along your skin, mesmerized by
    those black and white keys.
    Tempted...by memories"


    "Assorted keys of subtle hints
    Insecurities to be undone through practice
    Her intricacies are almost endless
    And intimidating when untouched "

    ^thats some deep stuff right there.. good job guys.

Similar Threads

  1. Language Lessons
    By Daco in forum Poetic Scriptures
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: January 13th, 2005, 11:39 AM
  2. Private Lessons
    By Daco in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: January 6th, 2005, 06:08 PM
  3. Rocky Lessons+Mickey Lessons
    By Brother Blue Collar in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: July 11th, 2004, 03:20 AM
  4. Life Lessons
    By Ron B. Vicious in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: May 26th, 2004, 03:34 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •