http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...642/index.html
Rules and Regulations. Drop by Saturday, Vote by Monday.
Last edited by P. Mortuus; November 8th, 2010 at 06:58 AM
Kiss me through the camera lens.TNL
IN...
...and good luck
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Cage Fighter
I'm beaten, I'm startled
I've had to gargle my blood
My sheer will took me farther than my cardio should
The fans are screaming his name
I'll be lucky if i win a few
Can hardly see or even speak but I still give Rogan his interview
Minutes later and I'm alone
in the changing rooms thinking
A debut disaster on the brink of quitting I'm sinking
But the door swings open, in rush my son and my wife
God he looks so much like her
and I remember the reason i fight
So fuck the bleeding they need me
they believe in me so tearily..
I stand up wearily and announce theres no fear in me
No more retreating I keep repeating..
I won't be beaten again
The next oppenent I meet when I'm competiing
I'll seek to beat to hell
So for a fortnight I rest
the bruises heal on my flesh
The cuts close on my face less depressed I'm refreshed
When I start training I'm possesed
Obsessed with gaining momentum
No more repressed anger I'll calmly reach my potential
I work on stamina, striking, wrestling and ju-jitsu
I'll break your will, enforce mine
Beat you, submit you
Fight night arrives, motivations supplied
I've tried my best to improve
and now I can't hide
Intro music is playing, my highlights are displaying
It's time to fight and ignore what my critics are saying
I can hear the fans chanting, enhancing my feeling
I walk from the locker room, fate and I have a meeting..........
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Druggie Druggie- Hey! Hey!
Life’s been crazy- eye’s hazy and my mind’s confused lately
loose screw abused by the things I use; never was saintly
but didn’t ever seem so lost deemed a cost not a pleasure
everyone’s trash, no treasure here- just a fella who for leisure
fell short when measured.
It’s a shame too...I really did try to forget
and forge ahead but gorged on the hordes of bullshit prose instead
or maybe it was the pro’s who worked me over
plucked the clover- till I came a loser- folded over...a folder
that’s me weak willed- weak kneed- week still as I strained free
then remained there- hooked to a drug spree that maimed me
self pity is a bitch- taunting me...a claxon
when she’s laughing while fuckin’ you with a strap-on.
Nothing but fast pain can’t relax strained; taxed brain attacks- maimed
clamped- blamed; sacked then stained till I fell broken and pained
not deranged just a ranger patrolling lands of danger
and in this land I’m a stranger; little baby fuck in a fuckin’ manger
and don’t pity me- just give me your money...no change though
what’s the use of it? I just need enough to buy another changed dose.
Keep your views; your politics; your ideals...give me a precedent
where hollow words of one count for more than a dead president
feed my need- the seed needs water.......
I could've been your son.....wife...mother.....father or daughter.
http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs31/i/20...isparanoid.jpg
I wished upon the plucked wings of an angel,
it’s a shame it was just a stripper in costume.
Erupt - Interesting thing to write about. I've recently got into MMA and UFC shit. It was a good display of what you feel as a fighter before a fight and the self-discipline involved. I mean there wasn't much else to it, but for what it is, i liked it and you did well. I just thought there was gonna be some sort of twist to it, but it just ended like blah.
Mortuus - Your piece made this battle really close IMO. I think the concept isn't too original, but i still felt the emotion and it still kept me interested. A few lines stuck in my head like the "self-pity is a bitch" part and the last two lines as well. This reminds me of something I would write about. I suffer from addiction and i can relate a lot.
v/Mortuus... i'd deem this a tie, but i'm just going for the one i can relate to more.
com- good story...poor format. The structure makes it a little blah to read. It feels like you're an audio cat and this would sound ill with a few adjustments over a beat. But you have to remember, most people read these verses (and not out loud lol), which means the super short lines actually breaks up the flow because we have to pause for a split second to go to the next line. Good concept, though the ending was very cliche, I was hoping you would have taken this to a creative/interesting close.
Mortuus-hmmm you're someone to watch out for...some of the lit. elements are so subtle that its easy to read right over them...but your concepts such as:
are nicely crafted. However, I would watch out for words that add nothing to your verse like "fucking" manager...and "fuck in a fucking manager"...makes no sense, im assuming you meant something else...no idea what tho.fell short when measured
vote- Mortuus, for a stronger verse. good battle.
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"Are you playing with yourself?" "Who said I'm playing, I'm being serious!"
baron - interesting piece.. the flow was really stop and go, which ive grown accustomed to seeing from you. here it was stronger though. the concept itself was rather bland and somewhat played, its obviously been done before. the closing line was solid, about the angel, and gave it a touch of originality, but otherwise the concept dragged down the piece a little and the metaphors also seemed a little less then your best. the strap-on line and the baby fuck line were actually effective, the language, how ever gross, contributes to the concept of the piece and your writers voice well.
COM - cool piece.. your flow probably has more.. potential, seeing as your structure caters more to rhythm then 17 syllable rhymes lol, and there hasnt been a lot of that on the net lately. however, it was a bit stop and goey, and for one trying to achieve rhythm, or at least making it seem as you endeavored to do so, this is not entirely a good thing as it was in baron;s piece... lines that only subtely rhyme such as blood/should and a few multisyllable rhyme schemes degrading into single syllable schemes, or single syllable schemes being carried on to long, made the piece a bit less smooth.. however, i think the style of your mechanics have great aesthetic potential.
overall, baron' concept was just too old to me, and wasnt delivered in as fresh a way as i personally would like. COMs story was decently told, and i genuinely enjoyed reading the story with the emotions it had packed into the short piece (a feat i have yet to achieve lol... i commonly exceed line limits.. so by default i give you extra props for the brevity). I also feel as if COM's rhythmic cadence, although it came off at a few spots, contributed to to the mood of the piece.. a la Lose Yourself. i dont know i just felt that personally. solid battle, barons language ocassionally shined, but overall the concept just isnt fresh to me.. COMs story was simply more enjoyable and he gets my vote
v - COM
Erupt - Cool drop, I haven't seen this done before..It started off really vivid and then you lost a bit of momentum towards the end. I would of wished to see maybe him die infront of the crowd getting punched or something at the peak of our confidence in the character, something unexpected at least..like anything in this world, you take the usual and make it unusual and it's hot. You get points for creative story to an extent, good use of rhyming for the first half then it got a little weaker, not bad my dude.
P Mortus - I really wish you wouldn't of written a 'the world sucks i'm turning to drugs' verse. (with the option of overdose & suicide) This same style of story has been repeated again and again and again for years...WHY MAN!, lol. It's all about progression, I just was not feeling the concept of your story, it wasn't new it wasn't different than what I usually see, I feel like you could'a blew our minds this week...Anyway, some positive things about the verse, was the closing stanza, that stripper line was dope, and the rhyming was fairly strong, wording was alright..it fell off at times but the word choice was vibrant.
I gotta give my V/ This week to Erupt, with respect to both you for a very close battle, I hope next week Mortus come's with some hybrid, next-gen shit.
COM-I felt this was really simple.
Written very fast, not a high level of vocab.
Flow was on though.
Started off a lot stronger than you finished.
It was a cool concept, just not executed to it's full potential.
Felt rushed, and again, pretty simple.
Okay piece..
Mortuus-Flow was a little choppy, interesting though.
A little hard to read, didn't really come out smoothly.
Some lines/bars I really enjoyed though.
Vocab was good, multies were good.not deranged just a ranger patrolling lands of danger
and in this land I’m a stranger; little baby fuck in a fuckin’ manger
Concept was alright.
This was overall an okay piece as well.
Close decision in my opinion, but my vote goes to Mortuus.
Overall a more intricate, interesting piece.
Good battle guys.
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
COM: honestly im not a fan of skeletal work, i feel you are cheating yourself of potential content, it just was a tad under developed IMO, though the content was pretty decent for what it was, im not a fan of UFC or any of that but i think you did a decent job of characterizing that mindset, ultimately this was ok, you could of really done something unique with this or made it more than it was, at the delivery you gave it, i felt it was a too straight forward on a subject i havent seen touched upon in topical type stuff.
Mort: very cliche topic, felt you had the opposite problem your opponent did, you had better mechanics with a higher level of complexity structurally and in the ideals, but lacked an original idea, decent for what it was for sure, but cliche all the same
Overall: battle of opposites really, felt Mort edges this though, although i thought the topic choice from COM was more original, i felt he delivered it fairly blandly, it was a bit TOO straight forward and i like to see unique concepts, things outside the obvious..so..
v. P. Mort
4-2.. Mortuus wins. Good match.
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