The drowning

[ItoldUIwasFat]

quick and short enjoy..

The first feeling is thirst revealing a burst of seeping
Blood coursed with the worst taste I will not intake this
Fake saliva of course…
Seconds later the two preceding one decays a greater size
Of my mouth..this stout snout of fluid peeks & creeps
Down my chest…
Each limb in detail flails to prevail this immersing vale of wales
My efforts pail against this…my heart wants to fail..
One more stand upon this grail..Holy? that word is stale…
And so I pounce my steps in watery sounds…I choke

[ItoldUIwasFat]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...218/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...359/index.html

forgot these..

[ItoldUIwasFat]

uppinz

[E.N.E.]

I initially read Saliva as Salvia...at least associated it at that, so my take on it was abstract. I like it though, the wordplay here

My efforts pail against this…my heart wants to fail..

Was fantastic, good read.

[Neruda II]

i saw that this was short so i figured it would be precise and well thought out. it's kind of the opposite, it seemed to me like a free-write-fuck-it type of thing. which is ok i guess.

you used rhyme, but you didn't use it in a serious way. you played around with it and it came off as very lackadaisical. im not a fan of rhyme to begin with, so i didn't like how it was used here. i see you're pretty active around here, so i think you know what you're doing, i might be mistaken. i'd like to read more of your stuff to get a grasp on what kind of feed i should be giving you.

i guess i'll just ask, what were you trying to accomplish with this piece?

[ItoldUIwasFat]

i just wanted some feed back on my writing yah just to see where i am you see i was on another site like 6 or 7 years ago and i used to write alot but i stop and im just getting back to writing. so basically just some positive criticism i see this site has alot of really good poets so ama have to step my game up...thanks for the feed will return

[Neruda II]

ah i see.

ok well if you've come back to it then you have some drive and that's good. if it's what you love, keep doing it. but please maintain your style. make it better, refine it, edit, rewrite and don't be afraid to try new shit. if you ever need some advice let me know.

[SquareRootGenius]

well as you said, this poem was defintely short and after reading this I guess you wrote anything that came to your head. I did however liked how you used your vocab in this one and type enjoyed this very quick read. In the comments you stated how you didn't write in a while and just wanted to see where you at so that being said I'm sure you can write a very good one when you go put thought into one. Will be looking out for it. Remember always seek higher enlightment