spring waits for no one.

[spokenoh]

i.

he(art) works within her;as colours that can't exist
without canvas
a bed of two bodies
empties;
her
full?of?questions like
do you still love me if I'm not your


ii.

first little ditty. Al(one
day i hope
to see
you for the monster
we
created)
ways i want what we don't have
because it's there; it won't
be lovenothinglikethat
to r/u/in what we have
is beautiful

iii.

isn't it; all for you and none
for f(all)
as mnths get shorter, you grew
grew grew
hair autumn,flowers burning
petal
by
petal sinking into ashtrays
holding expectation like some porcelain
bouquet you gave me
for not saying what i felt
in,between,breaths i cried
cried cried

iv.

thought February was for lovers
tulips bone-dry,heart pale-yellow
vein
by
vein tinted green
as your eyes when you look through
me;knowing i walk behind you
in swodahs for
colours can't exist if i never make
your he(art) red;a pomegranate
is not the apple of your eye,
do you still love me if

v.

i am not bitter April?

(spring
waits for no one)

neither shall i.




______________________



Thought it was the most appropriate time to post this.



Link 1
Link from the past

[ItoldUIwasFat]

this was an interesting piece the only problem i had with it is that it was hard to read the way you put it together...but i got over that and kept on reading. i noticed you put a couple lines or rather a line and a couple of words in () which i thought was great becuase it almost felt like an echo or a secondary voice in the background ad libs as the poem is being read aloud..or atleast that what i got from it. i liked this piece you have a unique writing style or maybe its just this one lol either way your post was well written with good imagery only prob was the difficulty to read it made it hard to really sink into the flow of the poem..other than that this was a good read..upz

[Dan Dare]

^ the words in parentheses aren't adlibs, or echoes, they are to form words with the words next to them i.e. "he(art)" = heart. I was gonna comment on the idea of doing that being much too obvious, but apparently it's not.

This was better than I imagined it to be from the title. This piece seems more experimental than polished, but I like a lot of the ideas in it. I'm interested in why the punctuation is deliberately inconsistent.

I'm glad it's not too oblique and contemporary for me to read.

[spokenoh]

I didn't incorporate the parenthetical inferences to be clever - they're meant for dimension and space. I'm glad it isn't too oblique and contemporary for you to read either.

[spokenoh]

more looks.

[Dan Dare]

I didn't incorporate the parenthetical inferences to be clever - they're meant for dimension and space. I'm glad it isn't too oblique and contemporary for you to read either.

That makes sense.

And the 'oblique and contemporary' comment wasn't meant to be snippy, if that's what you thought. I'm forced to read weak contemporary poetry more often than I would like, and it's nice to read something like this that is coherent and somewhat lyrical...but still different.

(I was trying to be nice, honest).

[spokenoh]

I didn't think you were trying to be rude/pretentious. I just haven't had much for feedback lately and was hoping you'd try to analyze a couple of things going on in this. It doesn't seem polished, but this is purposeful. This was actually more thought-driven than most of my work.

[Neruda II]

first line is fantastic. im not a big fan of these types of structures because the way people play with words seems to come off as trying to be overly clever, that being said, I'm impressed with the fluidity of the first stanza. you're not just placing words in parenthesis. it's something you have to look at carefully, study and find out why. you've cared for the structure of this piece as much as i care for my line breaks, which is a massive effort.

i find that although you're much less wordy, i still have to read your poetry with the same scrutiny that I'd read Paradise Lost. there is a veil of awe that you've managed to create with your pieces, the face value of it is impressive. but i doubt anyone really ever goes into a deep conversation about your words, and that's a damn shame. i think you show maturity in your work. that whole "say a lot with a little" thing.

im seriously intrigued by the way you used imagery in this. it wasn't just to describe, it was to convey, and connect.

"for f(all)
as mnths get shorter, you grew
grew grew
hair autumn,flowers burning
petal
by
petal sinking into ashtrays "

perfect example of this. you used the concept of the piece and the tool of imagery to construct a set of images that further your overall message, and connect beautifully your message of distance. so motherfucking soulful. i had meant to feed this poem for the last couple of days but it was a tough one to tackle. i know how much your work means to you and i didn't want to degrade it by giving you some half ass feed.

mastery of a lot of poetic devices here. my favorite being repetition. for me repetition has to create melody, like a song. either that, or nail the strongest message of the piece into the readers brain. you do both. this is a wonderful goodbye, and insanely heartfelt. some of the best shit i've read in a long time. i almost choke up when i get to the end, because not being loved, and giving up is a hard motherfucking thing to do. convincing yourself that you need better is a wake up call that all of us need once in a while.

thank you so much for this.

[spokenoh]

almost feel like I didn't deserve that. I wrote this to a Stevie Wonder song oddly.

[Miho]

ahhhhhhhhhh.
i've read this about 4 times. lol.
always a fan of your work.

I like how you divided each stanza, each pause was as appropriate as the next. it's like you're running and running, you stop to take a second breathe even though you don't need it. then you pick right back up and realize it couldn't have come at a better time. does that make any sense? lol. plus, I think the overlapping of sentences from one stanza to the next tied together nicely with the title. you have to keep up. you can't help but want to.

your piece was like wave...it starts out softly...then picks up...then softens without interruption. geez i hope i'm making sense. lol.

iii.

isn't it; all for you and none
for f(all)
as mnths get shorter, you grew
grew grew
hair autumn,flowers burning
petal
by
petal sinking into ashtrays
holding expectation like some porcelain
bouquet you gave me
for not saying what i felt
in,between,breaths i cried
cried cried

iv.

thought February was for lovers
tulips bone-dry,heart pale-yellow
vein
by
vein tinted green
as your eyes when you look through
me;knowing i walk behind you
in swodahs for
colours can't exist if i never make
your he(art) red;a pomegranate
is not the apple of your eye,
do you still love me if

this is where it hits.
these are the kind that make you love to hurt. lol.
you sir, have a way with words.
keep on having.

[spokenoh]

thanks to Neruda & Miho for the feed. I want this one to get some more attention.

[soulstice.]

Alright I thought this was about growing out of a relationship, and starting anew, like spring is often connotated with. The style of your writing definitely seemed experimental, but still stayed true to your roots of evoking emotion not with words but with the images you create, and although the deeper, intrinsic meanings of certain lines or concepts might get lost because of the subjectivity of the reader, the overall atmosphere of the piece is accentuated brilliantly.

he(art) works within her;as colours that can't exist
without canvas
a bed of two bodies

alright, let me just tackle this bear of a segment. firstly, the surface "Heart works within her as colors that can't exist without canvas" is mutated to "He works within her/heras colors can't exist without canvas" with "(art)" supplementing what his work is. Heras colors are just traits of a goddess, which he helps supply because, well, forgive me for lack of of a better term - but he's a dime and she's a nickel. The heart is working within as colors that can't exist without a canvas AKA him and his love that he offers.. or maybe you I should say.

Hm, I thought first little ditty was extraneous and kinda lame, clever double entendres, the little r u in (or are you out) was clever, and the words used helped to create that atmosphere of the overall concept (monster we created (bad relationship) and ruin (ditto) and referring back to the beauty of it all evoked one of those appreciative feeligns you get when reading a poem, but can't be arsed to put a name to it or even mention it).

All for you and none for fall/all helped put a light on reasons why a relationship might be failing, selfishness. the fall-february-april progression is pretty neat. "mnths" made me chuckle lol. Anyways back to the meat of the piece - the burnt petals in a porcelain bouquet was great. Then the relationship truly begins to fall apart, the holding expectation sort of lead me back to an aura of selfishness being injected into the female character... however, I didn't understand the repititon of grew or cried.

tulips bone-dry,heart pale-yellow
^cool inverse description there, relates the imagery of the cold February of the outside world the character exists in to his inner feelings, and offers a window going both ways. I have no idea what a swodah is, but the green lense of the eye relates me back to jealousy and me saying in one of my first paragraphs that you're a dime and shes a nickel (lame as hell fuck me).

Do you still love me if I'm not bitter april?... because... you're may and the flowers and the sun and the chirping birds and freedom and unchained from that woman holding you back, and you've let her know what you think about her, and it's done (both ways).

Or maybe I'm wrong :C

It took a couple tries, but after this analysis I can go back and enjoy the read. Nice work, although I am more fond of most of your other pieces you've posted recently

[abiona]

isn't it; all for you and none
for f(all)
as mnths get shorter, you grew
grew grew
hair autumn,flowers burning
petal
by
petal sinking into ashtrays
holding expectation like some porcelain
bouquet you gave me
for not saying what i felt
in,between,breaths i cried
cried cried

This killed me.

I really think this is one of my favorites from you.

Structurally, I really appreciated what you did with it.. almost cummings-esque in your ability to take creative license with the words and yet have them maintain a genuineness that is sometimes lost when writers attempt such tricks. The symbolism of the pomegranate was brilliant.

There are pieces I enjoy because they are well written and there are pieces I enjoy because they are so true to the writers voice that their honesty speaks far beyond anything clever wording and great mechanics can convey. While your writing in this is excellent, I appreciate it for the latter. The vulnerability and raw feeling hit me hard and made me feel as if I was tapping into exactly what you were feeling as I read. This is the poetry I love - when I can connect, if only for the duration of the piece - with the writer as if their thoughts were my own. When that is there, I could care less about structure and form. I wish all writers were as honest as you are in this piece.