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Thread: 3037 songs for all the other

  1. #1

    3037 songs for all the other

    out of 3037 songs
    I can't stumble into a single
    note for myself
    -either they're all married,
    or it seems that everyone left
    is set to the right,
    already waiting in line to be wed
    at the drop of E minor
    and a time signature
    to dot the i
    in your prenuptial agreement
    -only the keynotes signed.

    but I..

    walk to the beat
    of an indifferent drummer
    boy, who used to know his way
    through the wayward
    shores of Brooklyn Maine
    -until my sore throat
    unclothed in the banjo
    that danced around a dusty folk
    song-
    and resulted in a rim shot-
    gun blast
    to the head.

    his death broke my heart;
    and without his percussion
    I fell in love
    off-beat

    -and never seemed to find
    my muse, in the music
    that only believed in a tenor's
    pick-up line;

    I sing baritone solos
    holding the pant leg of a song called home
    -either moving too slow
    or I come off as too forward
    -depending on the murmurs
    that I uncovered the day I tried
    to recreate the drum's
    words.

    the playlist skips
    hand in hand with every relationship
    in a tin-can
    bound by string
    -innocent as children
    they sing.

    alone, in a sea of wedding bells
    mixed on a couple of turn tables
    that held hands while they scratched
    the X's over my eyes,
    while I searched for another
    solo heart
    betwen the fingers
    of fast-forward..

    I sing out of key,
    and my tone was broken
    on the jetty that day I listened
    to the sea
    to help me fall asleep;
    I wrote out the lyrics
    and sipped the tune
    nights after-
    from the bottle of gin
    I slipped them in to
    -until I licked through
    the glass
    after a year of kissing
    mutes.

    my records are all
    out of date;

    these needles taste
    like syringes,
    without the high notes-
    but I just need someone
    to sing with,
    because these
    songs are
    all so

    cold.
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  2. #2

    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    naruda & spokenoh
    po'ethics /
    abstanticollective.

  3. #3
    .exe Android's Avatar
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    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    This was really good Atti, that's become to be expected of you though. lol You took a pretty cliché topic and made it into something that was really enjoyable to read. First stanza drew me in as a reader with the time signature and key note lines, thought they were clever. Second stanza I wasn't as keen on but that was probably just preference, thought the banjo line was good, didn't understand the rim-shot reference... I might just be having a moment here though since it's early. lol Third and fourth short stanzas were consistent with your musical referencing, especially liked the tenor line at the end. Fifth and sixth stanzas were relatively short also so I'll do them together. I loved the image from the 'holding the pants leg' line, was very emotive the rest was also pretty interesting, again still following your referencing but not over-doing it. Seventh stanza was your weakest in my opinion, not the subject matter but the turn table reference didn't sit as well as I'd have liked it to. It just seemed like you went from pretty classical instruments to an electronic turntable, I thought the 'scratching the x's' line was neat though. Eighth stanza started a little meh to me personally but it picked up momentum and had one of my favourite parts of this poem arguably which was the last 2 lines ending with the 'kissing mutes' line. Ninth stanza and the accompanying lines were a nice ending and probably my favourite stanza to what was a pretty awesome read. I really enjoyed it man, glad to see you around the boards again. Keep it up, I'll be nominating this even though you probably don't care... It deserves to be in there though.



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  4. #4
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    i def agree this subject has been done before but i loved the direction you took this piece atti, i love your writing style. the first stanza set the tone very nicely and i thought you ended the stanza with a very interesting line

    in your prenuptial agreement
    -only the keynotes signed.
    you took me on a journey with these piece and i was holding on to my seat waiting for the next line. very impressive writing skills you showcased here and i look forward to reading more.

    very profound and well written, i loved it.

    and then the second stanza starts off with a bang as well man i loved the drummer line i thought it was just amazingly put together. i really like the metaphorical tone you took with these first two stanzas.

    his death broke my heart;
    and without his percussion
    I fell in love
    off-beat
    i absolutely loved this i read this over and over the wordplay you used captured my attention and this was def my fav part of the poem..which was hard to find at first but as i read i kept going back to these lines.

  5. #5
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    bump.
    can I kick it?

  6. #6
    as ain't Jamhuri's Avatar
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    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    many months later I get to read this (2nd time, I think)
    The line break at 'single' in the last stanza defines the rest of this poem. You were able to maintain the singer image all through, and made the actual love(less) story a reference. That was def entertaining and brilliant. I loved a lot of. phrases, double meaning to words like needle /solo etc that arose out of the imagery you were using.
    Def deserving of HoF.

  7. #7
    Get Touched abiona's Avatar
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    Re: 3037 songs for all the other

    Uggh. I love you so.

    Quote Originally Posted by atti View Post
    I sing out of key,
    and my tone was broken
    on the jetty that day I listened
    to the sea
    to help me fall asleep;
    I wrote out the lyrics
    and sipped the tune
    nights after-
    from the bottle of gin
    I slipped them in to
    -until I licked through
    the glass
    after a year of kissing
    mutes.

    my records are all
    out of date;

    these needles taste
    like syringes,
    without the high notes-
    but I just need someone
    to sing with,
    because these
    songs are
    all so

    cold.
    Bittersweet symphony. Your words, particularly the more melancholy ones, always remind me of Eternal Sunshine... perhaps because of a reference you made at some point? I donno. But either way.. they catch in my throat and make me feel as if I've been granted a look into private thoughts. Heavy, in a good way. I always come away from your pieces having been made to feel something and I appreciate that above all things.

    Your wording and structure and mechanics etc were all nice too and blah blah blah but those last few lines in the quote above hurt - and I'm a glutton for painful poetry. Ha.

    xo
    ArtificialIntelligence


    TNL
    ps... abi punchlines are played


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