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Thread: Don't stop the music.

  1. #1
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Don't stop the music.

    Don't Stop The Music.


    yo -


    notes, intricately placed to motion a symphony
    instrumental dissertations boasting vocal epiphanies
    composing so brilliantly, this spotlights' smoky consistency
    lead me to believe i've seen the ghost of a middle C.
    cloaked visibility - the utter magic of sound,
    thrusting eternal sunshine from those shadowy clouds;
    we danced the night away, spinning ever faster around
    on a balcony, overlooking half of our town ..
    you wept inside my arms, recanting tragedies, downs,
    but i brought you up 'til we forgot about the grass on the ground.
    stripped away the satin lace that sat in your gown,
    and we moved until the music had us practically drowned.
    yet it was vastly profound how once the melody died,
    the devil showed his face inside your heavenly eyes
    your shoulder turned colder as you'd heavily sigh
    say a few good words, & then an apathetic goodbye..
    the only moment when our "we" was ever separate from "I",
    cause only portions of your heart n' soul could ever be mine.

    the presence of Chopin, Van Beethoven or Bach
    determined whether bathroom doors were open or locked.
    whether lonely or not, whether temps were pleasant or hot
    and whether frantic cell phone calls were accepted or blocked.
    whether classical, pop, heavy metal or rock -
    you'd pulsate to the tempo in an elegant shock,
    FM static was your answer to affectionate knocks,
    planted seeds until your sheriff had my deputy shot.
    fretting the dots, vibrating waves, molecular frequencies
    but headphones kept those experiences nestled in secrecy.
    subliminal meanings overcasting ethical decency,
    since one can just, adjust a treble level so easily ……
    regretting that recently, i've been feeling silent as mutes
    little birds chirping snow white songs & tying a noose,
    we met beneath the sound of music; violently fused
    then torn apart by it's beauty - i guess that "irony" suits.
    the vibrancy, tunes that change our paths & perspectives
    alters perception, all to rearrange synaptic connections,
    trapped in a second - unable to accept our destruction
    but you simply kept it moving to a steady percussion..

    now, all i have is memories and unlimited space
    your existence erased, leaving town without a smidgeon or trace
    a record player, wood grained inside it's original case
    while i listen to our relationship, spinning in place ..
    addicted to tapes, mp3's and epic performances
    another roadie for another band that endlessly voyages,
    the second a tour begins, i'm uncomfortable, dearest..
    it's hard to be a human who's in love with a spirit
    we grew on bass, crescendoing percussion & lyrics
    and the music never stops..

    even if i'm the only one who can hear it.



    - Black
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  2. #2
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    sooo yeah. all feed will be returned obvi

    i'll drop links in the morning..

    yeupp
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  3. #3
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    glad you posted this up here; I didn't vote since the match was already decided, but I read this a number of times.

    It was dope. Rhythmically it was on-point, had me sucked in from the first 4 lines (which, by the way, I thought were quite brilliant). Music truly is magical - the pull it has on the listener can be so immediate and powerful. The opening vignette captured that awe and wonder, while establishing the mercurial relationship at the same time.

    Furthermore, the way you tied the romantic aspect together was great. The images fit the nature of a strained relationship perfectly. The metaphors in the second section really hit home for me. I loved the idea of her listening to music in headphones. The way I interpreted this, music paralleled the relationship, so when she was wearing headphones it was like she was holding onto secrets, perhaps even cheating. In any case, it connoted a unilateral dynamic of the relationship, and I loved the image.

    I felt the flow flounder a bit in that last section, but only slightly. And really, I only brought it up because I want to say something about this isn't sick. The final line is perfect. I'm consistently jealous of how you manage to tell a story with proper pace without falling off on the flow. Excellent drop, in the eyes of oatmeal.

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  4. #4
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    Last edited by oatmeal; June 1st, 2011 at 02:13 PM

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  5. #5
    huh? Vinzr's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    This was awesome, there's nothin better than reading something that you've never seen attempted or done before. I found this really strong in a lot of categories. Firstly, the rhyming scheme was great but that wasn't even the best part of this. I was really impressed with the imagery and metaphors in here, it really brought the piece to life or brought me into the piece (I'm not really quite sure, lol). Technical jargon and that stuff was thrown in and that really helped the piece excel. I'd say my favourite parts were the intro, that really got me reading further into it. Great job!

    If you have time, check out my piece; http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...725/index.html

  6. #6
    Kundalini Hustler ૐ Daughter of Gaia's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    This was an incredible read and I hope you never stop writing. I thought this might be come off as complicated or chopped up when I begun to read it, but it ALL flowed, metaphors and everything made sense and it kept my focus, line after line. It was amazing how you entwined love, life, magic and musical elements into one piece and the rhyme scheme danced around the concept nicely. My brother is a talented musician/pianist and I will send this piece for him to read. Very creative and inspiring, great write.
    Last edited by Daughter of Gaia; June 1st, 2011 at 09:09 PM
    InFecKted Mushroom

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  7. #7
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    <3

    got you all asap...
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  8. #8
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  9. #9
    I am in all things Well Versed's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    i will attempt proper feedback on writing style that is way more poetic than my own...so errrr take why i say with a grain of salt...so lets go...

    notes, intricately placed to motion a symphony
    instrumental dissertations boasting vocal epiphanies

    cool opener...great multis...good wording...n a very good way of opening us up into ur concept...which was very clearly all about music and love...or that moment when everything is happening between tha two...

    composing so brilliantly, this spotlights' smoky consistency
    lead me to believe i've seen the ghost of a middle C.

    interesting wording here...smoky consistency was a lil lost on me...ur 2nd line i dont fully understand...like "ghost of a middle C."...idk really what thats means...but good flow...

    cloaked visibility - the utter magic of sound,
    thrusting eternal sunshine from those shadowy clouds;

    very nice shit here...loved ur wording...great sorta imagery bout how music is always so positive...shines thru tha darkness shit...nice metaphor...

    we danced the night away, spinning ever faster around
    on a balcony, overlooking half of our town ..

    nice settin of tha scene...good wording...good flow...feelin this actually makin my own picture...

    you wept inside my arms, recanting tragedies, downs,
    but i brought you up 'til we forgot about the grass on the ground.

    nice metaphor here...well written...good flow...i like how ur really settin up these scenes in my head...

    stripped away the satin lace that sat in your gown,
    and we moved until the music had us practically drowned.

    this was nice...good wording...good multis...good flow...n goes well into ur concept...

    yet it was vastly profound how once the melody died,
    the devil showed his face inside your heavenly eyes

    ah...so well done here...its like a moment of passion or extasy...n then once it passes...everything feels so different...like fuckin a gurl u dont care for...u love her company until ur done...lol more or less...this was very nice...

    your shoulder turned colder as you'd heavily sigh
    say a few good words, & then an apathetic goodbye..

    very nice here...liked tha wordin....ur flow....just felt so smooth...very relatable n good use for ur concept...

    the only moment when our "we" was ever separate from "I",
    cause only portions of your heart n' soul could ever be mine.

    once again these moments of passion where we somewhat loose ourselves in what we think we want at tha time...very well written...great flow...

    the presence of Chopin, Van Beethoven or Bach
    determined whether bathroom doors were open or locked.

    hmmmmm...there are a few ways to read this?...cuz im seein music makes her emotional and or horny...or something of that nature...very interesting wording...liked this part...good flow too...

    whether lonely or not, whether temps were pleasant or hot
    and whether frantic cell phone calls were accepted or blocked.

    see this just renforces what i was thinkin...but i think its more bout being emotionally driven by muzik...dope shit...love how u wrote this...great flow...

    whether classical, pop, heavy metal or rock -
    you'd pulsate to the tempo in an elegant shock,

    more of tha same from tha last two...well done n well written...

    FM static was your answer to affectionate knocks,
    planted seeds until your sheriff had my deputy shot.

    lol this is somewhat lost on me...plz explain if u will...first line was clear...but that 2nd line confused me...good wording tho n nice flow...

    fretting the dots, vibrating waves, molecular frequencies
    but headphones kept those experiences nestled in secrecy.

    hmmmmmm...a lil confused here yet again...but very well worded...n great metaphor...just lost on this part of ur concept...

    subliminal meanings overcasting ethical decency,
    since one can just, adjust a treble level so easily ……

    lol this was DOPE...great fuckin metaphor...best yet...very well worded...good flow...

    regretting that recently, i've been feeling silent as mutes
    little birds chirping snow white songs & tying a noose,

    lol a lil too poetic n lost on me...as far as ur concept goes...but good wording n flow...

    we met beneath the sound of music; violently fused
    then torn apart by it's beauty - i guess that "irony" suits.

    very nice...love tha metaphors...great for ur concept...really tha core of it i feel...well worded...good flow...

    the vibrancy, tunes that change our paths & perspectives
    alters perception, all to rearrange synaptic connections,

    this is even more so THA MAIN POINT...great use of wording...great flow...great multis...fuckin awesome

    trapped in a second - unable to accept our destruction
    but you simply kept it moving to a steady percussion..

    more or less...an extension of what i said up top...great wording...love tha metaphors...good flow...

    now, all i have is memories and unlimited space
    your existence erased, leaving town without a smidgeon or trace

    lol this brought to mind cinderella...kinda funny...good wording...good flow...

    a record player, wood grained inside it's original case
    while i listen to our relationship, spinning in place ..

    cool shit here...good wording....good multis....good flow....great metaphor...

    addicted to tapes, mp3's and epic performances
    another roadie for another band that endlessly voyages,

    same as last...just good shit...

    the second a tour begins, i'm uncomfortable, dearest..
    it's hard to be a human who's in love with a spirit

    hmmmmm...i suppose since u have nothing left that is technically a spirit of sorts...yeah this was cool...good wording...good flow...

    we grew on bass, crescendoing percussion & lyrics
    and the music never stops..
    even if i'm the only one who can hear it.

    great fuckin ending...really full circle...which is KEY to a great ending...just dope shit...

    so needless to say...this is DOPE...great use of concepts...great use of vocab on concepts...great wording...great flow...i mean shit this makes me wanna write more profoundly...this is inspirational n relatable n just so enjoyable...very well done...KEEP WRITING THAT DOPE SHIT!!!
    Last edited by Well Versed; June 3rd, 2011 at 12:23 PM
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    because they number in the tens of thousands.


  10. #10
    I am in all things Well Versed's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    oops...dammit double
    Last edited by Well Versed; June 3rd, 2011 at 12:19 PM
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    because they number in the tens of thousands.


  11. #11
    Esquire. Mr. Black's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    damn thanks a lot man.. yeah i mean, whether it's more 'poetic' or not is subjective i guess.. but no matter what i really appreciate your thorough read / breakdown.

    might as well bump this one last time before i start returning feedz.
    I'm here to break my own ball and chain..

  12. #12
    ..Poetically licensed... Coexist's Avatar
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    Re: Don't stop the music.

    Respect.

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