Self Portrait

[Vinzr]

Self Portrait



As I stare in the mirror, and see the lens focused on my appearance,
I see nothing but doubt covering all my past experiences...
What happened the last few weeks, for me to become a changed man?
But with the same face and same glance, but are these really my hands?

I have committed multiple sins in one night of clouded darkness
I was kicked me off the mount and left alone and path-less
The people seem heartless and faces covered with masks
But I ask my conscience, where the hell is my heart
The blood drips from the knife I equip with a firm hold
To sign the deed, in exchange given a burned soul
The room’s cold but I know that I sold my body to the devil
Quietness begins to settle, but my past stripped of all its medals
To make money for a life that I am no longer living
A life consisting of killing for only a mere shilling
To hand my bills in, for the family that once existed
But how was I to know that a reunion was not permitted
I would not have signed the contract otherwise and given up life
Money didn’t earn me anything but strife in one night
A done deal to seal the light of my existence,
No will written to present or any form of accepted forgiveness
I remain wish-less and non ambitious, nothing to earn to pay for the bill
But serve the devil and accept the missions to kill,
My mind is infected and ill, blank, emotion-less and shattered
Nothing matters more than the life that once mattered
Several lives have passed before my eyes, bodies collapsed and drowned
But without a frown, I kill the victim and collect the worthless pounds

I look at the self-portrait of the innocent young man
Who stood high and proud and had a innocent young hand
But his job had overcome and taken over and erased his own life
Taken away from his wife, and hidden in the shade after that night...


---

Links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...698/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...366/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...750/index.html

[Mariah]

why don't you write like this is in SS?

*will edit feed later*

[trajik]

I think this might be one of the best things I've read from you. Great concept, loved the story, you used some great multi's and internals all over the piece so your rhyme scheme was awesome and that contributed to a great flow. Good vocabulary usage, everything was well worded, I didn't find myself stumbling anywhere as I read it. The emotion here was deep, I could feel it as I read it, and your imagery is, as usual, top notch. Great piece here Vinzr, I rather enjoyed reading it. I agree with Mariah, I bet you would be more of a presence if your SS pieces were crafted this nicely. But again, this was one of the best pieces I've read by you. Great work.

[Express'on]

I really like how u ended this and began this..I think that the majority of the body was filled with an off rhyme scheme I wasnt really ur internal either...the progressive tone was ok...I just think that this cold have been much better with a more fluid internal rhyme scheme... I hope to read more

[Vinzr]

cheers for the feedback guys...very much appreciated.

[oatmeal]

consider this bookmarked. trying to write my SS verse now, but I will return and drop some proper feed later

[Vinzr]

alright.

up.

[143]

Vinny, man this is one of your strongest drops I've seen. With the flow the structure the vocab the imagery all form this conglomerate of excellence. I would have to say that you definitely caught me with the pic.

The room’s cold but I know that I sold my body to the devil
Quietness begins to settle, but my past stripped of all its medals
To make money for a life that I am no longer living
A life consisting of killing for only a mere shilling
To hand my bills in, for the family that once existed
But how was I to know that a reunion was not permitted
I would not have signed the contract otherwise and given up life
Money didn’t earn me anything but strife in one night
A done deal to seal the light of my existence,
No will written to present or any form of accepted forgiveness
I remain wish-less and non ambitious, nothing to earn to pay for the bill
But serve the devil and accept the missions to kill,

I feel right here was the heart of the verse that took it over the top. We been down for a while and I have seen a vast growth within your style and a transformation from how good it sounds to how good it looks written. I got a separate collab from the one we got. PM me.

[Vinzr]

thanks for the feed 143

[Puma1996]

this is so damn deep,right here i had a connection becuz i usually write deep my self,it was not only inspiring but the style you used,to paint out somethin...or like a story and i love that kind of work,your flow was surperb loved it way above average piece keep it up

RTF ? ----> http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...160/index.html

[oatmeal]

I fuck with this, Vin, probably the best piece I've read by you, though at your rate of improvement I'll probably be saying that a lot.

What I like: I think you maintained a good focus on your concept. That was the biggest strength I noticed, and it's probably the most foundational aspect to good writing. Your approach was a little complex, so there was plenty of room for you to lose the reader, but you didn't. You brought it all together nicely. Not to mention, the concept was dope - the photographer taking a picture of himself, but after a deal with the devil, his identity is foreign to him. You also had some nice individual lines (I tend to think that a great piece works well as a whole, but also builds up to great individual lines). I particularly liked this section:

The blood drips from the knife I equip with a firm hold
To sign the deed, in exchange given a burned soul
The room’s cold but I know that I sold my body to the devil
Quietness begins to settle, but my past stripped of all its medals

What I didn't like: Mechanically I still see you struggling. There are a number of reasons for this. First, you have too many superfluous words. Even in the part I quoted above, it would have read better if you removed the words "that" and "begins to" (you'd have to change the tense to "settles" of course). you're just cramming too many syllables in the lines, and many of them aren't needed. I think it will be greatly beneficial to read your verses out loud, slowly. You'll see where you stumble and why.

Also, you really need to up the ante when it comes to your rhymes. Not only are there virtually no multis or internal rhymes, you have a section that simply doesn't rhyme:

I have committed multiple sins in one night of clouded darkness
I was kicked me off the mount and left alone and path-less
The people seem heartless and faces covered with masks
But I ask my conscience, where the hell is my heart

I shouldn't see something like this from you, you're better than that. I feel as if you were going for an offbeat rhyme scheme, but it didn't work (the only words that rhymed in that section were darkness and heartless). Take more risks, you'll improve your rhymes, but you can't be afraid to experiment a bit. Your content is gaining depth, but your mechanics are still very rudimentary. Shake off the simple!

What I would have liked to see more of:

I think you could have made this a little longer to draw out the allegory of the self-portrait. You only mentioned the photography aspect in the beginning and then left it there to hang out with the picture. I think you could have been more clear, as well as more creative (people used to think photography was a platform of the devil, that if you had your picture taken, your soul was trapped in the photograph. In that, you have plenty of concepts at your disposal).

Also, it isn't too clear as to why he sold his soul to the devil, or what he gained from it. you had the one line about how money didn't earn him anything but strife, which leads me to believe he sold his soul for money, but it wasn't all that clear. My guess is that he sold his soul to become a successful photographer, but in his success he forsook his family and wound up unhappy (and somehow, he signed his deal with Satan through the killing of someone - that was also unclear to me). So yeah, I had some clarity issues that I think you could have solved had you made it longer and developed the details more.

Overall, this was good, I'm just giving you a lot of criticism nowadays because I think you're getting too much props on your improvement lol. Seriously though, you're elevating a lot, but don't get content, start pushing yourself to the next level, nobody has a ceiling. Good piece, Vin.

[oatmeal]

double, but while I'm here, please return the feed at:

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...168/index.html

[Vinzr]

Wow. Thanks for that oats. I'd actually prefer if people were more critical of my work, that way I don't get ahead of myself and actually work on fixing up and improving. I really appreciate the time taken. Also, will be retuning the feed sometime today.

[Vinzr]

upp

[Vinzr]

upp