Once Unwanted

[Del]

This was based on a previous pic for PS week 8:



A solemn sheath defines him
Protecting from once unwanted


Exposure.


A soul’s keeper
Covered in fear
Soon numbed by the purpose personified
To thick layers that penetrated
Steadily and quickly
Suffocating final remnants
Sinking in, enveloping weathered sparks
Of a fire dwindling weaker
And weaker still
Since birth


Society had screamed “Spray him!”
“Spray him with the extinguisher!”
Taken aback as one
Pushing away and losing
To the known, inevitable fate
That now must be swallowed
Like the innocent victim
Persistently holding out
Until under society’s pressure
Giving out
And during the final seconds
Willingly
Putting their head under the guillotine
Allowing the blade to judge
Mercilessly
Condemning everything
If not only
Their submission

Now
A surrendered prisoner
No longer different
Unable by words
But instead, presence
Manipulating perceptions
Warning friends he did not have
To be different
Than everyone
Than the accepted crowd
Than him
“Keep Pushing!”

Now begging, to his new hopes
compassionate and undaunted
A solemn sheath defines him
Protecting from once unwanted


Links shortly

[Del]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...711/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ml#post8129306
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...565/index.html

[#FlowMotion]

Now
A surrendered prisoner
No longer different
Unable by words
But instead, presence
Manipulating perceptions
Warning friends he did not have
To be different
Than everyone
Than the accepted crowd
Than him
“Keep Pushing!”

I enjoyed this very much, I see lots of creativity and see you put alot into this.

[Del]

thanks

[Del]

upp

[Express'on]

A solemn sheath defines him
Protecting from once unwanted


Exposure.


A soul’s keeper
Covered in fear
Soon numbed by the purpose personified
To thick layers that penetrated
Steadily and quickly
Suffocating final remnants
Sinking in, enveloping weathered sparks
Of a fire dwindling weaker
And weaker still
Since birth

I really liked the wording in this yet imo at times it seems out of place... "a soul's keeper/covered in fear" great opening bar...however I dont think u stayed with that train of thought..."soon numbed by the purpose personified" still extremely strong wording "purpose personified" that image can be so powerful..."to thick layers that penetrated/steadily and quickly" I dont understand that..."thick layers" of what? "the purpose"? "fear"?... "Suffocating final remnants/Sinking in, enveloping weathered sparks/Of a fire dwindling weaker/And weaker still/Since birth"...I love the imagery here...imo I feel ur r talking about "fear" i could b wrong but I guess we may all see works in our own perspectives..."since birth" seems off tho like its out of place or all together unneeded...


Society had screamed “Spray him!”
“Spray him with the extinguisher!”
Taken aback as one
Pushing away and losing
To the known, inevitable fate
That now must be swallowed

I really like the last two lines...interesting first couple tho...Im not sure of the significance of "extinguisher" but it still doesnt take away from this it just doesnt imo add nething to it either....

Like the innocent victim
Persistently holding out
Until under society’s pressure
Giving out
And during the final seconds
Willingly
Putting their head under the guillotine
Allowing the blade to judge
Mercilessly
Condemning everything
If not only
Their submission

I love the progressive tone...its almost suspenseful like those old movies thatg do not have voices just that orchestrated music that pulls the story along..."Allowing the blade to judge/ mercilessly/ if not only their submission" I really liked this part...

Now
A surrendered prisoner
No longer different
Unable by words
But instead, presence
Manipulating perceptions
Warning friends he did not have
To be different
Than everyone
Than the accepted crowd
Than him
“Keep Pushing!”

"keeping pushing"...throws ur tone off but watever besides that ur story telling abilities have really progressed...this almost reminds me of how this guy I used to read writes Black Liquid...hes ok kind of gets caught in his rhyme scheme a lil but who doesnt...lol...This was really great work

Now begging, to his new hopes
compassionate and undaunted
A solemn sheath defines him
Protecting from once unwanted

This is almost as dark as edgar allen poe...lol its really dreary in its tone if that makes sense....


neway this is a really good piece...I really like the structure its hard for writers to chose per say there structure per piece....I really like artist who can step out of a constant rhyme scheme or flow method and examine a new type of writing....very nice bro looking for more from u in the near future....

[Joe Boston]

This was very poetically writtened ur choice of words mad the read flow nicely and kept me interested from finish to end. Very creative as well. Keep writing u have good potential.

[Andrewert]

So this is a good piece here, very good flow, i enjoyed your creativeness, good imagery. Very good piece overall keep on it

[Del]

Thanks for the feed P