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Thread: Standing by Chest Pains

  1. #1
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Standing by Chest Pains

    Ahh..
    Welcome,


    An hourglass frame welcome's my greetings
    & it's time sinks seldom slow in our meetings.
    Ears scoot to make room for lips to face it;
    cheeks are tight in moments,
    which are now re-ran clips in my head.
    In playback's
    I see that it was never me that did it,
    she got the best of me
    & effected means of livin'.
    Cupid’s shot missed
    ricocheted from hell's doors
    I guess the minute hit, when I
    tell them, ‘nevermore‘.

    depleted from this;
    break down ole' wagon -
    we have a ways' left.

    I'm angry all the time, standing in line,
    planning a new life so I can't be deprived.
    Changing my ways, and repainting my shame,
    re-framing the place where I been claiming you're pain.
    And draining the rain so someday, I can walk away,
    playing with the match that's been waiting for a flame.
    Name's engraving a path that's staining with ash,
    and breaking the glass that's containing my laughs.
    It never lasts, those better nights set aside,
    whether right, or wrong, under the weather, I try.
    But failure and success are derailed on a jest,
    mail burns in a mess where you impale me through the chest.
    Yes..



    ... here I still stand...

    Last edited by Jon; June 28th, 2011 at 05:10 PM
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  2. #2
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    1st verse & hiaku was me.
    2nd verse is Lost Cause aka Dagel
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  3. #3
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    Can I get a hell yeah? Or at least a comment?..

    Links will be fed.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  4. #4
    "great work" ItoldUIwasFat's Avatar
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    yes you may lol

    firs i gotta say i really like the contrasting way both of your pieces flowed but brought together a flow calming in chaos. Jonathon your structure was very cool though i had ot re-read and memorize it a little to appreciate it i enjoyed the fun. "ears scoot to make room for lips to face it"..that line was very power i thought that there really gave your piece its shine.

    your haiku was very interesting i like the first line how it paints an new image but still keeps with the end of your piece. The second line is almost a plead to end the pain and struggle your facing and your last line is a realization thats its far from over..impressive.

    lost cause your piece was very good and again i liked how it differed so much in structure to Jonathons. your piece read with a really nice cadence and each word chosen fit the flow so well. i loved your first couple of lines and i that match to flame line was outstanding. you ended this collaboration and the subject matter with great force and poetic drive..could of used a haiku

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  5. #5
    Soule
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    Lol, I didn't know he was using a Haiku or I woulda thrown one in. But word, thanks bro. Drop and link and PM me for a collab.

  6. #6
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    Well this is great alot of emotion very descriptive to thoughts that conjured such a collab... Jon like me I see you are getting more and more abstractive dude LOOOVVEE IITT!!!! it gets to your mind right tonfonalky grasp the artistry and detail with nothing but nouns to wander one to thin ...ok... So what he talking about until the end or the middle o the stanza! Right? Idk maybe it's me an I write old RB style cause I learned from them so to see someone still write like that other than them and me is awesome dude I liked the diction in this and lost dude nice verse to add on with great emotion and lyrical display of finesse and the ode to such an approach it was mighty.

    One thing

    Jon your ku..
    Your first line was strong got us hooked but your second was worded rather awkward don't know if you intended that idk but it's still cool and gla art got the concept grasped and noted the quality of it


    Props guys love this drop!
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  7. #7
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    Thanks guys, getting to feed in early morning.. Sorry for wait..
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  8. #8
    Soule
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    Re: Standing by Chest Pains

    bump

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