A Little Help from my Friends - Written Voices

[Jon]

Ruts pass on through me
developing mud hole’s to live in.
Quicksand and white-lies line the walls
while I've decked the halls with friends.
Keeping seamless protection against prosper
offering free rides down in the dumps..
Silence is golden - if rotten mouths are spoken,
days keep refilling my glass half full,
& broken...
A token of appreciation is payment - sayin'
when tomorrow comes, our waking will be pleasant -
including each other as habit, not wanting;
remains to allude the rudeness..
In the end, the manikins will be; still
& with a little help from my people,
I'll remain real..

Cold as a refreshment,
Centerpieces slant frowns
Because iodine Lucifer
Seeks my heart as his crown.
Nights among white musk
With trust issues collapsing,
Bolding their words; gasping
But oxygen is only for laughing.
See the world through my skin
Just to say you feel my pain,
Cause if see is believing
Then I guess lies are golden today.
Once before the summer
Twice before new years,
With an iron fist; collided tears
Into my heart as friendship
-never appeared

Secluded, I sit
on the bench that lines
the parks and desolate bike routes.
back pedaling-
hungry for a wishing bone.
out on our own,
we attempt to fight what's real,
and break our backs,
just to try and appeal-
to the world that questions us,
tempts us, and then lets us die.
awaken with sorry eyes,
and sore from the dreams.
tired of sleeping with the enemy,
but nothing's as it seems.
as everything rips apart, we will
know by then, who's willing to stitch us up -
with a little help from my friends.

In this order:
Jonathon
Mister Write
Jukon

[Jon]

Uppin.. shit.

[Jukon]

Damn..lol

[Jon]

please don't sleep. any feed is appreciated and returned

[Express'on]

Ruts pass on through me
developing mud hole’s to live in.
Quicksand and white-lies line the walls
while I've decked the halls with friends.
Keeping seamless protection against prosper
offering free rides down in the dumps..

The first 3 lines were cool...deck the halls...was filled for rhyme scheme and necessary..."prosper" should have been prospering...and the last line would have when in nicely

Silence is golden - if rotten mouths are spoken,
days keep refilling my glass half full,
& broken...
A token of appreciation is payment - sayin'
when tomorrow comes, our waking will be pleasant -
including each other as habit, not wanting;
remains to allude the rudeness..
In the end, the manikins will be; still
& with a little help from my people,
I'll remain real..

I like the first 3 lines good with a nice rhyme scheme...actually this whole part was nice...good segment

Cold as a refreshment,
Centerpieces slant frowns
Because iodine Lucifer
Seeks my heart as his crown.

I dont get the iodine lucifer...other wise this was decent

Nights among white musk
With trust issues collapsing,
Bolding their words; gasping
But oxygen is only for laughing.

I like this too...good internals...this was going hard

See the world through my skin
Just to say you feel my pain,
Cause if see is believing
Then I guess lies are golden today.

last line stretched otherwise your killing the metaphors...(in a good way)

Once before the summer
Twice before new years,
With an iron fist; collided tears
Into my heart as friendship
-never appeared

This was ok the wording was a little weird...I see where you were going just think it the last 2 lines should be worded a little more plainly...just to summarize it...good segment nonetheless


Secluded, I sit
on the bench that lines
the parks and desolate bike routes.
back pedaling-
hungry for a wishing bone.
out on our own,
we attempt to fight what's real,
and break our backs,
just to try and appeal-
to the world that questions us,
tempts us, and then lets us die.

decent but it conflicts from a single person for the first 5 lines then to "our...we...us" so its adding something that wasnt there originally

awaken with sorry eyes,
and sore from the dreams.
tired of sleeping with the enemy,
but nothing's as it seems.

I like this part...good concept

as everything rips apart, we will
know by then, who's willing to stitch us up -
with a little help from my friends.

nice again...decent


this collab was nice...

[Jon]

thanks for not being too harsh!

I'll get at something of yours soon. BenBusy #yaheard

[Soul Slayer]

Silence is golden - if rotten mouths are spoken,

That particular line stood out for me. In the first stanza i felt a sense of desperation and even a sense that the narrator wanted to prove a point to the audience. How every action has a repercussion and how we ignorance brings it about.

The second stanza followed up well to the first and the integrity of the narrator is illustrated also I don't if i read this right but I got a sense of value and tension building up in this stanza where those that are happy get to get a break/ live freely. I don't know it that's entirely true in reality but for what its worth thats how i read this.

Nights among white musk
With trust issues collapsing,
Bolding their words; gasping
But oxygen is only for laughing

I also imagined skin heads for some reason but the images were very vivid.

The last stanza really brought this home is a wholesome fashion and gave more insight to the isolation of the character in question and how we as society have made it acceptable to pass judgment on the next person by having too many social standards and promoting them while degrading the rest. You see it in a lot of places and cliques. Church, business, malls everywhere.

Great concept here guys has been done before but for a collab and contrasting styles, it was pretty good. Perhaps worthy to be nominated.

There is three of you so I guess each can pick one of my 5 pieces on the first page of this forum and return the feed. thank you in advance

[Jon]

Will do.

[ItoldUIwasFat]

dam i click backspace by accident and my reply got deleted lmao..i gotta do it again..

anyway

this was great a little spice from each of you and you all blended yoru styles very well. jon had that intricate flow to his stanza. i appreciated the line break with broken, i thought that was pretty cool actuallly really added the msytic of your words. the slience is golden line was onpoint so metaphoric nicely done.. also i especially liked your ending the little rhyming there was cool little twist to the flow.

Mr write was a nice switch from jons style write has a more abstract feeling to his stanza and it had a slightly different flow, thought it was a nice transition. your stanza had a real compact feel to it, very short from line to line but your chose the write words and kept the shit illy. again another strong ending man i really liked how both of you ending your stanza like that. nice collaboration.

kon had the smoothest flowing stanza for me, it was just so easy to read and no bumps or nothing the transition from line to line is so dam good, great style man. yours like writes stanza wasnt to stretch but you managed to be more direct with your words and i could easily picture the imagery of your words. yours is my fav out of all three of you but collectively this was a great collaboration..nice post fellas

[Jon]

mega props for all comments.