A Photographic Memory..

[Jon]

A Photographic Memory..


Miss Treated

Tongues starving for ears,
tears searching aimlessly;
affectionless butter-fingers are
inching away, eating a
bowl of sorrow.
Lifted to a glass of
broken regret
as grief condensates
along the see-through
window pane,
grimacing a life.
Imprisoned mentations -
meditating to brain-stems
which sprout & beleaguer disbelief.
Crawling extensions
reaching for a hand to hold,
a numbing sobriety, devouring -
clammed skin closing
to stomach the cold...


Miss Placed

Blind at stargaze -
nightmare's in full moonlight,
& candles cannot provide less.
Dilapidated desire
translated into a languish language,
fluently spoken in whispers -
the only provider
of acrid stenches.
Confined to secrets -
signing a line
crossed by the disturbed,
dotted; illiterate misses.
A constellation prize -
balloon's cater a need
convincing a risen chin;
disobedience heeding to
feed cadavers...


Miss Understood

Hazel waters puncture levees
precocious in abandonment;
bursting lids when lashing out -
falling like autumn.
Stains remain near
the drain impartial to leak,
this artesian sinks -
beneath the depth of a faucet
working overtime.
Time and a half again,
paid in worries -
clambering towards savior
falling short
& it's a long way down.
Eye-liner traces ulterior failure
now a heart beats silent;
detrimental melodies',
chords from a triune chorus
paints cursed euphonies...

Miss You.

[Kaotic Theory]

whoa honestly dude i freakin loved this alot {/nohomo} but yeah the emotion dancing with the descriptions throughout this poem bled while reaching out and pulling me in.....lol dude like seriously i think this is one of your stronger pieces in a long time my friend and i beleive that your consistant flow of dropping poems 1 after another is complimenting your success and growth in this forum. i liked the 3 different look's you gave here that kissed the concept perfectly. anywho fuckyou and dies slow bitch.
-NOM'D

[Jon]

Haha, thanks man.. this is actually one of my favorite poems I've written in a while..

[Express'on]

I think you dropped this is ps a lil prematurely (dont want to create a bias)_...but neways yeah dope piece very unique concept...I was reading it and was saying ur opponent has to drop hard as shit...;lol I like the transitions...but onto the content...this was really metaphor...almost too much so...the first one I believe was excellent the second was really off...veyr difficult to read and comprehend and personally I really dont like the second stanza besides the last two lines...the third was only mediocre...I will go into depth when ur opponent posts I will say in a very critical way why I think so....I dont want to create a bias...nice drop tho nonetheless

[Jon]

^ nigga you always hating on my shit rofl.. i wanna know where the fuck you go to 'poetry school' at and how the fuck i keep failin all your prestigous test.. but yeah, appreciate the looks.. i don't think you understood it as i wrote it though.. =(

[Express'on]

lol...no I dont bro I liked ur approach but because u sound good doesnt mean it fits...if u want I can pm u the critique I conjured lol...I never hate on ne1...u r a good poet...but thats y its called a critique its about not only giving complete praise when u see flaw...I never went to poetry school Ive taken alot of english classes and Ive read more than my fair share of poetry...and Im giving my honest opinion..if u dont want it I wont post on ur writtens...I try and help how I see fit me and u write completely different...if u dont think it needs nething dont change it...but Im not going to say this is good because I half read it like most people...I critique because I read it numerous times and think it lacks focus...thats it...

[Jon]

That's whats up man. I was once the same way. Keep in mind I've been writing for around 5 years, often. The stuff I post on RB is only 30% of the poems I write, or less. I appreciate any feed, don't get me wrong. With you, I always see the 'but' factor. Haha, it's all good. Just critique it to the fullest after my opponent drops. Thanks again.

[Soule]

Most def hof and most def your best poem ever. The language and diction in this piece really added to the emotion. The stanzas flowed right off the tongue and i feel like this was one of the most creative poems this forum has seen sprout since the young abstani days. You are def developing into the youthful john keates. Keep writing.

[Spoken]

Fuckin garbage!!!!




Weak verse here


Lmfao just messing damn this was hot straight fire and simply beautiful saw nothing wrong with this at all man honestly one of the best I have seen drop in ps can't say much dude that hasn't Ben said dude nomination worthy

Rtfhttp://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php/crystal-emotions-453561/index.html

[ItoldUIwasFat]

the concept to this was the best ive seen on this site..the use of three different pictures to express your poem was fucking amazing man..on to the content.

the first part was flawless literally flawless to me lol..the flow and diction just streamed along very well. the word choices in that first stanza just stood out man..it made the continuity of it perfect. i loved the metaphor you and you showcased it nicely with the words you chose. man

Lifted to a glass -
broken regret as
grief condensates
along the see-through
window pane,

those few lines are an example of what im trying to say..that condensation line was magnificent lol.

your second stanza was just as good. the flow got a little choppy at times but who cars its text lol. i thought it was very interesting how you used words like dotted and signed to describe the pic..very very clever my friend

your last stanza was a great way to end this piece, i the transition to this point has been flawless and you start it off very well. though it was the least favorite of mine in this piece it def helped to bring continuity really helped your story come to a beautiful ending..

i enjoyed this very much keep writting.

[Extinctor Draconis]

Remember that my feedback isn't linear lol, I'll be jumping from sections

i wouldn't go as far to say that this was the best concept ever on this site, but it was very interesting. I really enjoyed the beginning of the third stanza. Hazel water kind of through me off, though I think it's a beautiful description. What I liked is that it carried a nice and steady spirit. I've had an idea similar to this, but I couldn't pull it, so I keeled it. Kind of thought "tongue starving for tears" would of been a sick opening, and I feel you had that idea, but your follow up idea required tears. I don't think the 2nd stanza was out of place either, still had that same spirit as the other two. Overall, it was pretty cool poem broesph

[Jon]

Gracias young bull. Dub V, repreSENT!

[Jon]

Grammar edited.

[Spoken Deity]

okay, whatever you did with the various comma slices, it's much better now. It was driving me fucking nuts.

That said, your constant use great language was impressive. Each little verse read like it's own little poem. You did a good job with images (as mentioned) but I liked the other devices used as well. The alliteration helped it read a bit more interestingly.
I guess the point wasn't to have fluidity between the piece, which is fine given the final words. Your images kind of fluctuated, but overall... pretty good.

[Sniper Clown]

How do I nominate this?