The Brick

[oatmeal]

here we go again, trapped beneath another eruption
the weight of our failures smother us in smug interruptions
we used to be musical, our love was such a wonderful substance
but now I only hear her drummin up a slutty percussion
ringing the thud of concussion - it's the ugliest custom
the way we stray into an argument from subtle discussion
demolition through attrition, we're pieces of the destruction
a misshapen foundation thunderously under construction...

building somethin' from nothin' is a feat that's rare to see
but engineering a miracle?...is my thing, apparently
she was the weight that held me down as she'd sing the air I breathe
but when I shake free from the sound, my eyes sting with clarity
the supports we built were forged by a singularity
each pillar shaven from the shale of our similarities
but they were hollow from the sorrow of our simple parity
fuel for the fire in our house which we kindled carelessly

sure I'm not perfect either and I'll be quick to say it
but I'd be more motivated for honesty if it was reciprocated
our structure has been ruptured, boasts laid in a muzzled trust
cornerstones worn to the bone by the most shameful of coverups
each brick we moved to build was glued in prideful disorder
we shared a sultry adultery and used our lies as the mortar
our relationship was made to slip, constructed upon the brink
this brick was built on water - let's drop it and watch it sink

[Slayerr]

as i'd expect a fairly polished verse from you. multis came across as unforced and i felt the flow well, could really read it without any problems or wording throwing me off. i love the last line especially as well.

this brick was built upon the water - let's drop it and watch it sink

i felt this held a metaphorical value with a good mix of multis to make it flow well, nice drop.
rtf:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...631/index.html

[Heart break Andy]

here we go again, trapped beneath another eruption
the weight of our failures smother us in smug interruptions
we used to be musical, our love was such a wonderful substance
but now I only hear her drummin up a slutty percussion
ringing the thud of concussion - it's the ugliest custom
the way we stray into an argument from subtle discussion
demolition through attrition, we're pieces of the destruction
a misshapen foundation thunderously under construction...

Love someone who can use syllables the same ones at that
Thru out atleast 8 bars plus it all had meaning


"ringing the thud of concussion , it's the ugliest custom"
Really would like to hear you record this


the supports we built were forged by a singularity
each pillar shaven from the shale of our similarities
but they were hollow from the sorrow of our simple parity
fuel for the fire in our house which we kindled carelessly

sure I'm not perfect either and I'll be quick to say it
but I'd be more motivated for honesty if it was reciprocated
our structure has been ruptured, boasts laid in a muzzled trust


Fell of kind of here structure wise guess I was getting use to the technical syllables
But you were just more in structure in the beginning

[xetc]

I like it, it seems like a really personal piece, more than usual. Nice rhymes dude, nothing feels forced and you actually got some good ass content

[Orc]

i liked the brick metaphors thruout and how u exectued each one. the subtle relationship insights were dope to me and made it connect with me as a reader. the multies were nice and the flow didnt fall off once. good shit oat

[Soule]

My ONE and ONLY complaint was the word use of 'slutty' lol. It could've easily been replaced with a synomyn or something. Just a completely degraded word from the rest of the diction in this read homie. The emotion in this piece was well reflected my friend and I really enjoyed the flow / rhymescheme. Not too complicated but also not too simple. Fluent read indeed. Nominated, and let's collab. Dueces.

[Nohbody]

here we go again, trapped beneath another eruption
the weight of our failures smother us in smug interruptions
we used to be musical, our love was such a wonderful substance
but now I only hear her drummin up a slutty percussion
ringing the thud of concussion - it's the ugliest custom
the way we stray into an argument from subtle discussion
demolition through attrition, we're pieces of the destruction
a misshapen foundation thunderously under construction...

my first complaint is all the tions lol . . hear me out

the flow was butter, and the ideas and the wording terrific, but "tions" are just played. Its too easy to grab words that end in it and it just reads a bit repetitive nah mean? Otherwise, and im just nit-picking . . you nailed everything else

building somethin' from nothin' is a feat that's rare to see
but engineering a miracle?...is my thing, apparently
she was the weight that held me down as she'd sing the air I breathe
but when I shake free from the sound, my eyes sting with clarity
the supports we built were forged by a singularity
each pillar shaven from the shale of our similarities
but they were hollow from the sorrow of our simple parity
fuel for the fire in our house which we kindled carelessly

felt this man. Know whats its like to be with another person who are just "used too" and this reminds me of that.

sure I'm not perfect either and I'll be quick to say it
but I'd be more motivated for honesty if it was reciprocated
our structure has been ruptured, boasts laid in a muzzled trust
cornerstones worn to the bone by the most shameful of coverups
each brick we moved to build was glued in prideful disorder
we shared a sultry adultery and used our lies as the mortar
our relationship was made to slip, constructed upon the brink
this brick was built on water - let's drop it and watch it sink

nice closer. . with the exception minor spots in the intro. .this as a whole was dope man. The emotion was felt, and overall just a very dope read. . keep at it

[ThaUnknown]

Your rhyme schemes were on point, everythinng flowed well, there wasn't a line i could really critique, i give it maybe an 8 or 9 out of 10, good shit

this was the best line in my opinion:

building somethin' from nothin' is a feat that's rare to see
but engineering a miracle?...is my thing, apparently

[Mr. Black]

yeah oat, how dare you use too many words that end in the same four letters. how DARE YOU RHYME IN A RAP VERSE!

despicable.

[Nohbody]

yeah oat, how dare you use too many words that end in the same four letters. how DARE YOU RHYME IN A RAP VERSE!

despicable.

you are not the first person i seen who gets all faggy and stuff after some honest critique.

But you are the first person i have seen who gets all faggy when someone critiques other peoples work.

interesting. .

[Mr. Black]

here we go again, trapped beneath another eruption
the weight of our failures smother us in smug interruptions

you begin in the first line - words like 'weight', 'trapped', 'smother' .. it builds a tone of pressure and claustrophobia, a relationship under strain. smothered, weighted down by it's own disfunction.

speaking of percussion, and the 'thud' of concussion.. it gives me vague images of earthquakes and shuddering ground. maybe that wasnt your aim when writing this.. but i got a big feel of natural disaster. maybe that just ties in with the idea of a falling brick building - which is your overlying metaphor.. so whether or not you had intended that to resonate, it gave me a nice pallet to work with mentally.

demolition through attrition, we're pieces of the destruction
a misshapen foundation thunderously under construction...

boom goes the dynamite. i notice vast similarites in the way we write analogical verses.. subtle references throughout that connect human actions with something completely different through motion. for instance, building demolition and the failing of a relationship's central 'foundation' - which can be taken both ways. for this reason its always very easy for me personally to appreciate your writing strategies.

miracles aren't for everybody. 'building something from nothing' was the first mention i've seen of positivity, growth, progression - and it continued throughout the middle stanza.. sort of a reflection on a stronger bond. when the cement still held firm.

she was the weight that held me down as she'd sing the air I breathe
but when I shake free from the sound, my eyes sting with clarity

another nod in the direction of weight .. that same pressure.. and the second line was an interesting idea. sort of the realization of unhappiness is how i read it. understanding that maybe broken is better - but the idea still hurts too much to admit. leave the pillars intact, though the ground beneath is crumbling slowly.

our relationship was made to slip, constructed upon the brink
this brick was built on water - let's drop it and watch it sink

i think you closed this out on a perfect note. it was well rounded and clear in it's meaning. very clean.

my only criticism might be the redundancy of the references.. as it became clear a couple lines in the parallels you were drawing, and you didn't really expand on these parallels much past that initial starting point. this is nit-picking mostly because what you have here is near flawless in its execution.. for what it was. nothing too over the top in terms of complex thought or abstraction, but sometimes that's not a bad thing.

like i said - 'well rounded' is the perfect way to put this short ode to a crumbling trust. enough pain can rip apart the strongest foundation.

your greatest shortcoming is the hesitance to leave a comfort zone and take something like this to a place nobody expected. i know you're a teacher and uniform organization is a big part of your job.. and it seems like you could have drawn a literary outline for this piece and then filled in the meat after.. that uniformity is a huge benefit, but stepping outside that is sometimes even more commendable in it's spontaneity.

good shit oats. keep doin it son.

1

[The Gwapfather]

Overall I liked this piece oat, not myt fav I've read of yours but still had nice vocab/imagery, at times felt the flow could have been a bit stronger, but sometimes you have to give up a lil flow to maintain your content, nice work though homie, if you get the time, please the return the feed at:

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...361/index.html