Issues

[breeno]

Wrote this up a while back in a couple of hours. Needs work but I thought I'd get some opinions. Remember, I'm Australian so some words may not seem like the rhyme right

So you’re, locked up in your fortress of solitude
The game’s, knocked up but there’s a hole in the womb
On the run yeah there’s no stopping you
No lies yeah it’s the fuckin’ truth
Walls closing in, claustrophobic irrational here
You’re crying now and you don’t know if its passion or fear
Running for it, running as you’re smashing your cares
Slamming the door now, turn your back on your lab and your lair
Others have got it and you haven’t no fair
Eyeing them off, with your ravenous stare
They don’t know what’s cutting you deep inside
All they see is the pain that’s in them eyes
They don’t ask because they know all they’ll get is lies
You’ve forgiven but it’s hard to forget this time
Broken your spirit, your back this is the last straw
It’s hard to live it when life has dealt you a harsh draw
Others hurt but you know you hurt so much more
He’s robbed your spirit and you know all your stuff’s gone
You, punch his head just because he cut you off son
And I ain’t talking bout the car which cut you off once
Behind red eyes it’s hard to feign that you’re having fun
Ignored by life for a crime which you haven’t done
Being judged for a game which you haven’t won
Coming last in a race which you haven’t run
You didn’t volunteer for this, you didn’t sign up
You didn’t cheer for him when he went on the run
You ran yourself from the darkness deep within
You felt resentment, your bond broken when you speak with him
You’re a felon on the run and you’re knee deep in sin
You’re the garbage, a by-product of a septic bin
You're hurting now so you express it on your spouse
While she seeks respite with your best friend
She's selling the house, and has planned life for the next step
These deep issues have left you punching on with life
Tears seep in tissues as you transformed and you’re punching your wife
You’re now him and you leave your family abandoned in strife
You’re a spark’s flint what the fuck are you doing with life?

_______________________________






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[W!ll Tha K!d]

i liked a few metaphors i dont mean to be a dick but i didnt feel you on this one good luck on your next peice homie

[breeno]

i liked a few metaphors i dont mean to be a dick but i didnt feel you on this one good luck on your next peice homie

All good mate, appreciate the feedback!

[#PrimeTime]

Didn't think this was too bad, but I wasn't feeling it. No hate tho my man.

So you’re, locked up in your fortress of solitude
The game’s, knocked up but there’s a hole in the womb
On the run yeah there’s no stopping you
No lies yeah it’s the fuckin’ truth
Walls closing in, claustrophobic irrational here
You’re crying now and you don’t know if its passion or fear

This was pretty solid here, good sense of imagery and emotion.

Running for it, running as you’re smashing your cares
Slamming the door now, turn your back on your lab and your lair
Others have got it and you haven’t no fair
Eyeing them off, with your ravenous stare
They don’t know what’s cutting you deep inside
All they see is the pain that’s in them eyes
They don’t ask because they know all they’ll get is lies

This piece was probably my favorite part right here. I thought this was good, you wrote this part well. Good sense of emotion, and imagery.

You didn’t volunteer for this, you didn’t sign up
You didn’t cheer for him when he went on the run
You ran yourself from the darkness deep within
You felt resentment, your bond broken when you speak with him
You’re a felon on the run and you’re knee deep in sin
You’re the garbage, a by-product of a septic bin
You're hurting now so you express it on your spouse

This part needs the most improvement by far, You're/You was simply overused here. Maybe because its just me though but im just not used to this.

While she seeks respite with your best friend
She's selling the house, and has planned life for the next step
These deep issues have left you punching on with life
Tears seep in tissues as you transformed and you’re punching your wife
You’re now him and you leave your family abandoned in strife
You’re a spark’s flint what the fuck are you doing with life?

The first two lines in this closing part was very good. the rest, ehh not so much to be honest. Life/Wife is really played. but it was an alright closing line.

Bottom line, i didn't really feel this piece that much, maybe some tweaks here and there and this would be pretty solid. It was well written from a voters point of view. Your choice of topic was a little stretched to be honest. I think some of your lines were a little too basic and simple. Id suggest working on some creativity and adding some multi's too add to your flow. Your line structure was good, nice and pretty even, so it didn't mess up your flow. Id also like to suggest adding some metaphors and similies into your future pieces, they add some flavor to your piece. I thought it was pretty good, but it just wasn't my type of piece to be honest. I'd say just work on expanding your vocab and keep writing. No hate and keep at it!

[breeno]

Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated. I know there's no hate, and to be honest upon re-reading this before I posted Iwasn't even feeling it that much! Thanks again.