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Thread: karma peach

  1. #1
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    karma peach

    i've always
    wanted to love somebody
    so much-
    that i never learned to like anyone.

    you are dangerously close-
    like a Molotov
    to a dream.
    there's a crease in your smile
    from when you carried it closed
    or maybe
    from when the one that last carried it
    for you.
    there's a thorn in your paw;
    a crucifix in your heart that lives
    harder
    than the winter you saw your
    father stumble through.
    a laugh in your bones
    that echoes awkwardly
    what your mother once shone.
    and i like it,
    all of it.


    i dream that you're in my bed-
    looking sweeter
    than your taste for revenge.
    not wearing much at 5 pm
    but you're in my bed saying
    the things i want to hear.
    saying anything.


    i wake up.
    7:15 in the morning-
    everyday. the first thing i see
    is Don Quixote
    leaning against my wall.
    and i can barely make out his voice
    all i hear is that it ain't right
    to fight a windmill and lose.
    and then he tells me
    it ain't right for me and you
    to be all we've ever been.
    not while you
    don't exist.


    i don't know how not to make mistakes
    but i recognize them
    when i see them.
    i know there's something wrong.
    you're why
    i sweat when i write.
    sometimes i can't blink
    or
    breathe through our conversations
    because there are so many questions
    i will never ask you.
    i used to ask a lot, for someone.
    not anymore.
    not since i couldn't explain
    what i couldn't explore.
    but that thorn is still in your paw.
    i wouldn't want you,
    any other way.


    im trying
    to learn how to like you
    before i say
    i've always loved you.
    murder murder

  2. #2
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    Re: karma peach

    how can i put this besides, i completely understand. this is lovely.

  3. #3
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    I will actually hit this later. Promise

  4. #4
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    suuuuuure you will.
    murder murder

  5. #5
    microcosm spokenoh's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    Haven't read anything of yours in awhile, but I can tell you've gotten really good at writing poems kind of holistically. The turn around at the end, played off the first stanza, was very well done.
    Only thing I didn't really like was 'i' not capitalized because I feel like usually you would capitalize it. I may be wrong.
    Parts like this were gold

    there's a thorn in your paw;
    a crucifix in your heart that lives
    harder
    than the winter you saw your
    father stumble through.
    Dope stuff.
    can I kick it?

  6. #6
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    thank you sir. i haven't written anything in many months. i've had the worst writers' block of my life since i last did a poetry slam in DC and lost. i had to re-evaluate a lot of aspects of writing. i couldn't decipher what was trash from what was worth keeping at all. everything i wrote pissed me off to the point of depression.

    seriously tho, thank you for always replying to my stuff. it means a lot to me.
    murder murder

  7. #7
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    again, you have a niche on this website. It the way you use simple, intentional, meaningful words. Your imagery is so fluid, like you're telling a story verbally.

    You immediately had me in your opening stanza... really brilliant take imo.

    You do a great job with sentence structure, switching between long and short sentences... it really keep the read moving and fluid. I loved the repetition. It really gives the conclusion that much more punch.

    I still don't get the Don Quixote bit. I don't understand how it fits at all, in fact. It seemed to take away from the metanarrative.

    Overall, I enjoyed this... this will make more sense when you give me an explanation of the Quixote bit.

  8. #8
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    well i literally have a painting of don quixote on my bedroom wall. he's been like a brother to me, like an alter ego. not the painting, but the character of don quixote. he believed in being a hero, he believed it when no one else did, he believed that he was there to save even when he wasn't wanted. but in this poem he's speaking to me from his last piece of wisdom, he slayed the giants(windmills), so in that part im alluding that we may see a task worth taking, but in reality it may not be all that noble.

    i hope that clears it up a bit-



    that's the painting on my wall. its by picasso.
    murder murder

  9. #9
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    totally makes more sense... it fits much better.

    Though I will say, the sudden personal, abstract bit still kind of throws me off.

  10. #10
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    totally makes more sense... it fits much better.

    Though I will say, the sudden personal, abstract bit still kind of throws me off.

  11. #11
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Re: karma peach

    that's a very fair critique. i fell under the trap of momentum. i had been in a continuous cycle of writing and erasing the first line of this poem for a month straight, then one night i was able to sprint through it and it came to this. could have used some more editing for sure. appreciate the outside perspective.
    murder murder

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