Gwapfather vs. Cognition - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Brandon Cee]

Topic: Withered Hope

Rules and Regulations

Please note the due times in the rules. Be on time, and as always, good luck!

[Mr. Black]

w00t

[The Gwapfather]

Oh man, we don't get to choose from a list of topics, salty haha, not a bad topic though, good luck black, gonna be a dope match up..

[The Gwapfather]

Need to know if you're droppin today black, cuz if you don't ask for an ext, then I'll have to drop and you get a no show loss, which I DON'T want to happen, but I'm not gonna drop mine early, I'm done doing that, it gives your opponent an advantage as they know what to try n beat out, so if you're gonna drop tomorrow instead, let me know before the deadline tonight, thanks..

[The Gwapfather]

well, im at a friends right now, so i guess ill see if black posts
tomorrow, so leave this up, cuz i got mine done but I wont be able
to get back on til the morning..

[Mr. Black]

editing HURR

[Mr. Black]

Withered Hope.

yea,

.
.


each discouraging obstacle. every fork in the road,
life is never 'just right' - this bowl of porridge is cold.
or warmer than coal, embers blaze until it tortures the soul
but we can freeze frames, beat the heat & force it to snow.

Lily pad fantasies, frog kisses, stranger than fiction
castle gates, princesses, transylvanian diction
dragon-smoke emanates from those caucasian n' christian,
encouraging the village fools to play their position.
if you're living in the world today -- state your addiction.
distracting your phase of this mission. now make the decision -
fall prey to perdition - or fall and pray to religion,
either way it's a ticket to aimless, painful afflictions.
is it safest to listen to that voice in your head?
or play deaf, dumb and dead to bleeding poison instead?
the choices to bend a molecule, neurotransmission direction
are surefire methods to exist in the present.
denial is a firewall that encrypts our depression,
but conversation starts establishing a distant connection.
optimism, positivity's most physical penchant
to follow hope is cashing in on human's richest investment.

My mother told me life's a forest, grow & witness perfection
but once you stop planting seeds, it could wither in seconds.
we limit progression by succumbing to hatred,
in these artificial times, almost nothing is sacred.
a skylight remains shut tight if you're stuck in the basement,
underground, we're urban youths of a struggling nation
sulfur smothering, wasted space, empty as shells
a public service announcement resentment sent me to tell.
sent directly to hell, are those who fill the epicenters of crowds
My mother always said to keep my head in the clouds.
we play hide & seek as children 'til our destiny's found,
then get high til gravity exerts it's pressure to ground.
the spirit's testing me now. this mighty tree's withering length
was supported at the roots by a pillar of strength.
bark brittle, it breaks along the cracks in it's trunk
feels like a playoff debut, but i haven't practiced enough
too busy breaking free of mental chains, these shackles & cuffs
My mother always made the perfect turkey sandwich for lunch..
but now i'm packing it up, a brown bag full of remorse
sealed shut with a vision of her beautiful corpse ..

her name was Hope.

a gift from parents not prepared for the storm,
both great depression victims - unmarried & poor
buried before her teenage years, an orphan who writes
about the pain she experienced in this forest of life.
and passed her son these letters, which supported his fight -
I learned from these papers that i've hoarded at night.
heartsore as I types these words she's written for ages;
her only child, absorbing knowledge from these withering pages.

Hope is more than a prayer, more than Heaven's decree
and Hope was more than her name .. it was her parting message for me.



I will always love you.



- Black

[The Gwapfather]

"Withered Hope"
Written by your Father


http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/1058/ssplayoffs01.jpg



a prisoned clan.. from a primitive distant land
broke free from the shackles around their crimson hands
a trait left from workin their fingers to the bone
as the foundation, eager to bring a leader to the throne
built a village with a castle that had hallways.. all gold
which was also protected by a stone wall they called "Hope"
presented peace before, but centuries of war.. were heavily enforced
by all the weaponry n force.. that could never breach the source
rivals threw sticks n stones, to put their heads on a cross
and it was pieces of hope that the best of em tossed
so they stopped the negetivity and death of their boss
when those sticks n stones..
were fit to bows, n arrows.. to get the message across
this lasted generations, but hope was withering
the granit deprecation, left most considering..
a new approach to hone the stones these holes were hindering
but those arrows n litterings.. paved the roads to victory

which evil-doers destroyed to find the best of jesus
so now street by street were smashed up, broke
attacking hope as a whole, n the rest left in pieces
not knowing peace by peace they'd patch up hope..

the wall that was built, crumbled, and resused
is the rubble in the jungle we've still struggled to infuse
its a new day n age, n we'd kill to get cash gains
so the roads to success were rebuilt for the fast lane
leavin those blind to hope, to hit the gas n then swerve
as everything went black n they crashed n they burned
stars disappeared til there were no more virgos, leos..
now all you see is everyone's birthstone read: hope
sides to this wall? there were two in its history
til those on the outside.. blew it to smitherenes
wit grenades that prepelled.. to retain in our cells
which planted the walls that we create in ourselves
so to those who'll live n die by hope, n its purpose in life
whether its by the arrows, or just the courage to fight
dont see the walls in which you live, as chalking in the dirt
when hope seems it's withering.. its just evolving with the earth



...

[Str8 JackIt]

vote = cogniton/MR. Black


damn....eye opener....hmmm....rhyme scheme was great (Surprised u held it that long)concept was very original by the way it was played out...impressive drop.....but yea, flow great, content great....body and closing remarks were on point..

quotes:

Lily pad fantasies, frog kisses, stranger than fiction
castle gates, princesses, transylvanian diction
dragon-smoke emanates from those caucasian n' christian,
encouraging the village fools to play their position.
if you're living in the world today -- state your addiction.
distracting your phase of this mission. now make the decision -

her name was Hope.

a gift from parents not prepared for the storm,
both great depression victims - unmarried & poor
buried before her teenage years, an orphan who writes
about the pain she experienced in this forest of life.
and passed her son these letters, which supported his fight -
I learned from these papers that i've hoarded at night.
heartsore as I types these words she's written for ages;
her only child, absorbing knowledge from these withering pages.

Hope is more than a prayer, more than Heaven's decree
and Hope was more than her name .. it was her parting message for me.

need i say more??

gwap:

a prisoned clan.. from a primitive distant land
broke free from the shackles around their crimson hands
a trait left from workin their fingers to the bone
as the foundation, eager to bring a leader to the throne

I DEFINITELY DIG THE OPENER!

rivals threw sticks n stones, to put their heads on a cross
and it was pieces of hope that the best of em tossed
so they stopped the negetivity and death of their boss
when those sticks n stones..
were fit to bows, n arrows.. to get the message across

another good part

original concept, pretty good flow. you were consistent all the way through....a good story....but in flambouyancy and creativity, and execution i think black just did a little bit tbetter than yours with all the rhyme scheme and imagery...

great drop from both though

- - - - -
.:BETA:.

[trajik]

The Black Attack: Holy shit, great piece here man... Damn near perfection. The story telling is top notch, great detailing and strong images. Strong emotion forcing the reader to feel empathy for this character. Nice vocabulary usage and the word choices were great. There's a plethora of great multis thoughout the piece, not as many, noticeable internal rhymes, so I'd have liked to see more, but in no way am I complaining about your rhyme scheme. This rhyme scheme and the word choices created a very smooth flow. This piece compelled me from the first line to the last line. Amazing drop.

GwapDaddio: Man oh man, this is a really good piece. Great story telling, detailing and imagery were strong, emotion was deep in this piece as well. Decent rhyme scheme, that I picked up on, decent multis and some internals. Your vocabulary usage was nice, though downplayed by the spelling errors, at times I had to reread a line because of it, but that was the only thing negatively effecting the flow. Word choices were nice too.

Vote: Gwap ha a great drop here, I really enjoyed it, but Black's drop was just better. I'd say Gwap would get my vote against a lot of other writers, but Black's drop is just on another level. Great battle, my prediction for battle of the week, from what I've read so far.

The Black Attack!

[oatmeal]

Black:

this was an example of you at your best, in my opinion. The balance and interweaving of intellect and emotion were near flawless here.

Lily pad fantasies, frog kisses, stranger than fiction
castle gates, princesses, transylvanian diction
dragon-smoke emanates from those caucasian n' christian,
encouraging the village fools to play their position.
if you're living in the world today -- state your addiction.
distracting your phase of this mission. now make the decision -
fall prey to perdition - or fall and pray to religion,
either way it's a ticket to aimless, painful afflictions.

this takes a great deal of confidence and skill to pull off. There aren't many people who can say "lily pad fantasies" and make it work without sounding corny. But beyond the technical aspects and clever wording, what I enjoyed about this piece was it's narrative arch, opening with our need for hope in such an all-encompassing cascade of images and metaphors. I like the connection that, regardless of your decision to yield to your weaknesses or try to overcome them through a higher power, the result is still the same, blurring the line between who is and isn't the "village fool."

Then, the connection of hope to your mother just drove it home. It fit perfectly for me, since my mother is a great source of hope and inspiration for me personally. I like how you used dashes of nostalgia and humor too:

sent directly to hell, are those who fill the epicenters of crowds
My mother always said to keep my head in the clouds.
we play hide & seek as children 'til our destiny's found,
then get high til gravity exerts it's pressure to ground.
the spirit's testing me now. this mighty tree's withering length
was supported at the roots by a pillar of strength.
bark brittle, it breaks along the cracks in it's trunk
feels like a playoff debut, but i haven't practiced enough
too busy breaking free of mental chains, these shackles & cuffs
My mother always made the perfect turkey sandwich for lunch..
but now i'm packing it up, a brown bag full of remorse
sealed shut with a vision of her beautiful corpse ..

the ending tied it all together neatly. Not much else to say about it, just a masterful effort on many fronts.


Gwap:

this was dope man, I really enjoyed the metaphysical aspects of construction and hope, conveying that hope is not given so much as it's built, through tireless efforts in the face of those who try to destroy it. In general, the approach was well-received and executed with strong mechanical and metaphorical sensibilities.

a prisoned clan.. from a primitive distant land
broke free from the shackles around their crimson hands
a trait left from workin their fingers to the bone
as the foundation, eager to bring a leader to the throne
built a village with a castle that had hallways.. all gold
which was also protected by a stone wall they called "Hope"
presented peace before, but centuries of war.. were heavily enforced
by all the weaponry n force.. that could never breach the source

this was a great way to begin, introducing the literal layer of this metaphor through a people that were able to survive attacks through a physical wall called "Hope." It worked well. I also like how you went on to say that Hope was eroding, and that it wasn't enough by itself to protect them forever.

its a new day n age, n we'd kill to get cash gains
so the roads to success were rebuilt for the fast lane
leavin those blind to hope, to hit the gas n then swerve
as everything went black n they crashed n they burned
stars disappeared til there were no more virgos, leos..
now all you see is everyone's birthstone read: hope
sides to this wall? there were two in its history
til those on the outside.. blew it to smitherenes
wit grenades that prepelled.. to retain in our cells
which planted the walls that we create in ourselves

now, this was both good and bad to me. It was good in it's evolution of the metaphor, how Hope was recycled to fit many contexts, both to help and hinder people. I thought it was a brilliant way to continue the metaphor of Hope the wall with hope the concept. However, it didn't quite fit the opening storyline. You went from a primitive people to an advanced one very quickly, and pretty much abandoned the story of the people altogether. You honed your focus on the re-appropriation of the withering wall, but forgot about the humanity in the process, just giving examples of its use. Your strength was your weakness here, in that I was more interested in the people who relied on Hope in the beginning (the literal layer of the story) than I was the metaphor itself. I think it would have been more complete if you didn't jump forward temporally so much, keeping it in the primitive land and exploring how people could have adapted Hope's eroding integrity to perpetuate their survival. You would have lost out on some of the great metaphors (like the road to success/fast lane), but it wouldn't have felt disjointed.

Overall though, it was thoroughly engaging and well-written, and I enjoyed it a lot. Possibly my favorite verse from you all season, very impressive on many fronts.

Vote: Black got this one. Gwap man, it was a dope verse, and easily one of the top 5 verses dropped this week, but Black just went a little further with his concept, wording and execution. Great battle, gentlemen.

[Art.]

wow, after reading both pieces its pretty crazy how good of a battle this was. gwap dropped hard my dude, good shit wording was crisp rhymescheme was on along with flow basically everything you need for a dope topical. it really grabbed my attention the whole way through.

black, idk man this shit was crazyyy lol prolly one of the best pieces ive ever read, you went in from start to finish, i loved your approach to the topic reallly creative and the content and wording just kept my attention the whole way through. crazy imagery rhymescheme was great the way you ended this was fantastic.

overall i have to give it to black just for an amazing piece. gwap you dropped great as well but i think that black was just on another level not to take anything away from you but his piece was insane lol. good battle

vote black.

[Bongkers]

Mr. Black

each discouraging obstacle. every fork in the road,
life is never 'just right' - this bowl of porridge is cold.
or warmer than coal, embers blaze until it tortures the soul
but we can freeze frames, beat the heat & force it to snow.

nice opener, quite metaphorical, good multies, great set up

Lily pad fantasies, frog kisses, stranger than fiction
castle gates, princesses, transylvanian diction

ok jokes aside lol, I see what you're doing here

dragon-smoke emanates from those caucasian n' christian,
encouraging the village fools to play their position.
if you're living in the world today -- state your addiction.
distracting your phase of this mission. now make the decision -

here I felt you were a little statementish.. like you were just making rhymes rather going in depth. I also thought distracting your phase of this mission was a little forced, the wording doesn't seem quite right. Still nice stuff but that's what I felt was off about it.

fall prey to perdition - or fall and pray to religion,
either way it's a ticket to aimless, painful afflictions.

I thought this rhyme ended nicely though

is it safest to listen to that voice in your head?
or play deaf, dumb and dead to bleeding poison instead?
the choices to bend a molecule, neurotransmission direction
are surefire methods to exist in the present.

ok this was cool, had to read it a few times but i like it

denial is a firewall that encrypts our depression,
but conversation starts establishing a distant connection.
optimism, positivity's most physical penchant
to follow hope is cashing in on human's richest investment.

pure fire right here^

My mother told me life's a forest, grow & witness perfection
but once you stop planting seeds, it could wither in seconds.
we limit progression by succumbing to hatred,
in these artificial times, almost nothing is sacred.
a skylight remains shut tight if you're stuck in the basement,
underground, we're urban youths of a struggling nation

smooth.. vocabs on point, liking this part a lot

sulfur smothering, wasted space, empty as shells
a public service announcement resentment sent me to tell.
sent directly to hell, are those who fill the epicenters of crowds
My mother always said to keep my head in the clouds.
we play hide & seek as children 'til our destiny's found,
then get high til gravity exerts it's pressure to ground.

Hmm, I feel like this was a little off again, like I said earlier some of the vocab doesn't quite work for me, it's not as crisp as what you've been doing, and what you're talking about doesn't really connect well to your previous lines.

the spirit's testing me now. this mighty tree's withering length
was supported at the roots by a pillar of strength.
bark brittle, it breaks along the cracks in it's trunk
feels like a playoff debut, but i haven't practiced enough

Ok, back on track here..

too busy breaking free of mental chains, these shackles & cuffs
My mother always made the perfect turkey sandwich for lunch..
but now i'm packing it up, a brown bag full of remorse
sealed shut with a vision of her beautiful corpse ..

kinda random with the sandwich kinda seems like you did that for multies, but then you turned it into the brown paper bag full of remorse line which was cool, but it could have been a smother transition

her name was Hope.

dope twist..

a gift from parents not prepared for the storm,
both great depression victims - unmarried & poor
buried before her teenage years, an orphan who writes
about the pain she experienced in this forest of life.
and passed her son these letters, which supported his fight -
I learned from these papers that i've hoarded at night.
heartsore as I types these words she's written for ages;
her only child, absorbing knowledge from these withering pages.

dope.

Hope is more than a prayer, more than Heaven's decree
and Hope was more than her name .. it was her parting message for me.

I will always love you.


Great ending..



Break down: A near on flawless verse... I mean there were a few sections I felt were a little off.. now had some average writer produced those lines that I critiqued they would probably be the best lines of their verse but because it's you and I'm so use to reading 100% flawless verses I think you fell of slightly at times, things got a little messy in sections and it kinda made it difficult to follow, I still got the jist of it though, and in no way did it ruin your efforts here.. pretty crazy concept, you tied it up almost perfectly at the end.. great drop overall


______________________________


Gwap

a prisoned clan.. from a primitive distant land
broke free from the shackles around their crimson hands
a trait left from workin their fingers to the bone
as the foundation, eager to bring a leader to the throne
built a village with a castle that had hallways.. all gold
which was also protected by a stone wall they called "Hope"
presented peace before, but centuries of war.. were heavily enforced

Ok, good set up for the story, multies are dope

by all the weaponry n force.. that could never breach the source
rivals threw sticks n stones, to put their heads on a cross
and it was pieces of hope that the best of em tossed
so they stopped the negetivity and death of their boss
when those sticks n stones..
were fit to bows, n arrows.. to get the message across

Felt this was a little tough to follow.. the death of their boss part seemed to come out of nowhere.. like you were trying to fit too much into these lines, not bad by any means but it could have been smoother

this lasted generations, but hope was withering
the granit deprecation, left most considering..
a new approach to hone the stones these holes were hindering
but those arrows n litterings.. paved the roads to victory

nice flow.. this parts fire

which evil-doers destroyed to find the best of jesus
so now street by street were smashed up, broke
attacking hope as a whole, n the rest left in pieces
not knowing peace by peace they'd patch up hope..

cool

the wall that was built, crumbled, and resused
is the rubble in the jungle we've still struggled to infuse
its a new day n age, n we'd kill to get cash gains
so the roads to success were rebuilt for the fast lane
leavin those blind to hope, to hit the gas n then swerve
as everything went black n they crashed n they burned
stars disappeared til there were no more virgos, leos..
now all you see is everyone's birthstone read: hope
sides to this wall? there were two in its history
til those on the outside.. blew it to smitherenes
wit grenades that prepelled.. to retain in our cells
which planted the walls that we create in ourselves
so to those who'll live n die by hope, n its purpose in life
whether its by the arrows, or just the courage to fight
dont see the walls in which you live, as chalking in the dirt
when hope seems it's withering.. its just evolving with the earth

Breakdown: I like how you ended this.. but the transition from the first part of the story to the later part is like i said before a little rushed.. Overall this is a great drop, but at times you had some wording that could have been clearer and maybe you were trying to fit too much of the story into this piece. real nice concept though



so overall I have to give this to black, even though gwap dropped a topical that would have beaten most competitors in SS this week (including myself) blacks verse was just on point.. and there's not really much anyone can do about that, black just had the crisper wording, flow, structure and although I think gwaps concept was slightly more creative black pulled his off better. geat battle.. and an unlucky match up for gwap in the first round I was expecting to see you in the semi finals at least

good match fellas.. V - black

[oatmeal]

aite fellas, gonna call that a clean sweep. Excellent battle on both sides, but Black wins 5-0.