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Thread: Cadence thats been in my head..

  1. #1
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    Cadence thats been in my head..

    Maybe you call it anxiety
    Or maybe the moon just hangs high to me
    Or maybe I shouldn't let you influence what I'm be
    Green with envy, Lima beans

    And never mind what drama brings
    Cuz even kids in trauma sing
    The time for awkward totterlings
    Like the joy my daughter brings

    Or like the time you lost your keys
    But adopted mine, foster keys
    And found em amongst your other things
    I don't CARE what your mother thinks!

    Or your brother thinks
    I'm concerned with other things
    Like stacking up and mustering
    Enough cash to build another sphinx

    In my likelihood, me muttering
    'I don't have time for stubborn things!'
    Or your lack luster utterings
    And how your an angel, they cut your wings

    Now you're stuck amongst us slumbering
    I know what you're wondering,
    If I'm so damn important
    How come I don't have the fuckin things?

    Simple really, you stubborn thing
    I don't need no fuckin wings
    A butterfly who flutters wings
    Can cause chaos amongst other things

    Like rays of light, summer beams
    Or the things that summer brings
    A whisper on the wind
    'your enemies outnumber thee'



    Eh..... just streching

  2. #2
    Soule
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Actually liked this a lot. Wording was off here and there but overall the emotion and concept were well felt. I'd say lengthen your lines a little more so you can deliver more of a storytell and a stronger, more creative rhyme scheme. This kinda writing would be nice in an audio but for Topicals it seems more like a blueprint. Keep writing bro.

    Return the favor please with my Oscar Grant OM.
    Last edited by Soule; January 18th, 2014 at 03:08 AM

  3. #3
    Xtermnation Xtraordinaire Genocide's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Lemme start out by saying thanks for the feed on UnBeautiful Life. Praciate it

    This was a dope drop, thought the cadence was really catchy and the scheme was fluid. Read very smoothly. Would definitely translate nicely to audio without much tweaking, if any atall tbh.
    Content was fresh, bouncy imo. I dig it. Could see this going over a dope dj premier beat or something of that sort of hiphop feel. Enjoyed this. Thanks

  4. #4
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    @Spartacus

    You need 2 links of feedback homie.

    A.i

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    *Click one of ^those to check out my music and shit

  5. #5

    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Good paper here. I agree with the wording, just a few tweaks here and there with that. Other than that I thought it was a smooth write.

  6. #6
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    I feed almost everyone, Nah.

    Thanks for the feed bros.

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Venom's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Quote Originally Posted by Sen. Spartacus (R-OK) View Post
    Maybe you call it anxiety
    Or maybe the moon just hangs high to me
    Or maybe I shouldn't let you influence what I'm be
    Green with envy, Lima beans
    This was cool. I think "what I'm be" should be
    "What i'ma be". A very minor flaw. Good flow thus far
    and does justice to the title since it is about cadence.


    And never mind what drama brings
    Cuz even kids in trauma sing
    The time for awkward totterlings
    Like the joy my daughter brings
    Good flow. Pretty carefree rhyming but on point.

    Or like the time you lost your keys
    But adopted mine, foster keys
    And found em amongst your other things
    I don't CARE what your mother thinks!
    The last line made me lol.

    Or your brother thinks
    I'm concerned with other things
    Like stacking up and mustering
    Enough cash to build another sphinx
    The has not waivored yet. Mildly humorous.


    In my likelihood, me muttering
    'I don't have time for stubborn things!'
    Or your lack luster utterings
    And how your an angel, they cut your wings
    Ok

    Now you're stuck amongst us slumbering
    I know what you're wondering,
    If I'm so damn important
    How come I don't have the fuckin things?
    I thought this was the weakest section
    Still flows well but its like you didn't know
    What to say


    Simple really, you stubborn thing
    I don't need no fuckin wings
    A butterfly who flutters wings
    Can cause chaos amongst other things

    Like rays of light, summer beams
    Or the things that summer brings
    A whisper on the wind
    'your enemies outnumber thee'

    Overall an enjoyable cadence.
    Good rhyming practice.
    Sometimes it seemed as if you were running
    out of steam, particularly toward the end..
    and a lot of what you said was simply to
    keep the rhyme scheme going.
    I am new here, so the first I have read from you
    But I would like to see you dive into something
    that requires a bit more lyrically. The rhyming
    prowess is certainly there. Taken a face value
    as a little cadence flex it does the job.
    Stay up.




    Eh..... just streching
    I'll be on the look out for more from you.

  8. #8
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Quote Originally Posted by Spartacus View Post
    I feed almost everyone, Nah.

    Thanks for the feed bros.
    Yeah, you feed almost everyone....'s mom your dick, you giggolo. A joke, I kid, but seriously I was just rubbing this to myself in my mirror, a little bit like a mile, and I caught a glimpse of something familiar but also startling from the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly and came face-to-face deep dark pink rug in my closet. it's voice pierced the night, partly because roads are supposed to fucking talk, and because of the sun stroke overtones. "How long has it been?" The robe questioned, the aftertaste of the statement was playful. A slow, maniacal grin forces itself on my face, kind of like Trump and he sees a pussy. I replied through joker light "Long enough, master." The world stood still for a split second before we began laughing in unison. I inched closer the wrong, more watching than walking. I am graced the road just like the old friendly mentor than it was. some way, I held up the road to inspect its condition, a la Lion King. "They're calling us 'The Zodiac Killer. And I like it." I slipped the worn in, glove like garment over my hot, sexy body. At that moment I realized that until this moment, when I placed the robe on my back, that I wasn't complete without it. The literature cord and kitchen knife or reliably in the pockets, just as we had left them, the last time we went. 'Long enough, indeed.' I whispered, looking out the window at the busy, yellow lighted city below.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Quote Originally Posted by DixonButts View Post
    Yeah, you feed almost everyone....'s mom your dick, you giggolo. A joke, I kid, but seriously I was just rapping this to myself in my mirror, a little bit like 8 mile, and I caught a glimpse of something familiar but also startling from the corner of my eye. I turn my head slowly and came face-to-face with the dark hooded robe in my closet. it's voice pierced the night, partly because robes aint supposed to fucking talk, and because of the sinister overtone. "How long has it been?" The robe questioned, the aftertaste of the statement was playful. A slow, maniacal grin forces itself on my face, kind of like Trump when he sees a pussy. I replied through joker like laughter, "Long enough, master." The world stood still for a split second before we began laughing in unison. I inched closer to the robe, more waltzing than walking. I embraced the robe just like the old friendly mentor that it was. I held up the robe to inspect its condition, a la Lion King. "They're calling us 'The Zodiac Killer. And I like it." I slipped the worn in, glove like garment over my hot, sexy body. At that moment I realized that until this moment, when I placed the robe on my back, that I wasn't complete without it. The ligature cord and kitchen knife are reliably in the pockets, just as we had left them, the last time we went out... 'Long enough, indeed.' I whispered, looking out the window at the busy, yellow lighted city below.

    ^^^^ edited because I used voice text and didn't proof read cuz I thought I could edit.

  9. #9
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    I relate to it personally cause I was walking slept when I was in here to being more awake now. I thought waking up was finally going to be a happy and great thing to see I was dropped to an entire level of hell I couldn’t even imagine in my worst nightmare. Stuck alone now in a zone I know nothing about and can’t even protect myself or body in. I didn’t realize some shit even existed or was possible and just to the point now I wish I never even woke up or if it had to be like this why couldn’t it just end there. My heart and faith were broke enough already I didn’t and don’t need their extra with the sick personalities of what they think and act like is some joke.

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    The pins and physical pain is getting even worse then the sick shit again. Why? Who? What?

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    If some gifted and deranged bitch is unstable it shouldn’t be an innocent strangers problem. It stopped only a couple weeks and then started bad again like a week ago. Level of 1-10 - like a 13 and I’m not going to be with an ice pack on my face every nite.
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  10. #10
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Now you're getting how to leave valuable feedback. Next time throw in something about 9/11, and if at all possible incorporate "(_)_):::::::::.D" near the end and you will get an 'A'.

  11. #11
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Nah 3 dumpin PISSED me off (The remix with pac) that middle guys flow was FIRE but he was speaking against his own country and disrespectful. I was in NY that day in Somers at IBM and the way military was flying over I was just like whoa - what do we have here? I think it was conspiracy (how else do you motivate a country to finish your dad's war) and like confirmed when Barrack caught Bin Laden in 3 weeks - it wasn't ironic Sudaam was found and put to rest first. It pissed me off cause people aren't just some game pieces in big boys real live action games like they used to play the game risk as a child and I used to be scared about Trump - especially when he hit somebody as soon as he got in - but at least it was an army base and they signed up for that shit. So I gave him props for that.
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    I actually have heard that song and my only real takeaway was that when you look at all the pictures and footage that we have there is no way that a jumbo jet passenger airliner crashed into the Pentagon! The smarter people in the world think that George Bush used hologram technology to fly hologram planes into the world trade center while simultaneously using detonation charges to drop the building while also firing a Penelope cruise missile into the Pentagon in order to go to war with Iraq for that Sweet oil.

    (_)_):::::::::.D~~wtc~~

  13. #13
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Well it's hard to say who started it them when he got back into office or us but it was OBVIOUSLY a family feud we ALL became victim to AGAIN... sometimes I hate rich people.

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    Like no joke my cartoon was interrupted by an emergency alert saying we was at war on dessert storm - you know how traumatized I was for a minute?

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    At work I was like whoa - someone must've went to work drunk and fucked up the flight patterns and my bosses came out jaws dropped like nah... the LAST thing on my mind was terrorism. I don't think I spoke 1 word until 7pm that night on 9/11. AND I did notice it was MADDDDD traffic into NY that day going to work. Just CRAZY.

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    I wish my droid buddy was here so I can fuck with him and ask when he thinks the Aliens coming in. Life is life and "We here" … I'm actually gonna go out and try to enjoy it - just nobody wants to have fun anymore and I cut off most of the friends I did have when I woke up and realized. Then like the ones I met since, you know how that go - when people swear they better then you it's not fun hanging with them either. I just be bored and at first needed the money when I got home that's how met most of them. I swear I invented Uber let me find out anyone involved did and I'm suing over the patent.
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  14. #14
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    Re: Cadence thats been in my head..

    Wait, did you say that you have a Droid buddy that you fuck with? Because if you're into human robot relations, you could have said that shit 600 crazy ass posts ago and we could have been hanging out.

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