143, the flow was solid from start to finish. I did find one or two grammatical errors but nothing big. As with most of your work, we have to make note of the broad vocabulary. Your take on the topic was good but unlike most weeks, I wasn't very entertained by your verse. Not saying it was boring. . but just my taste, I honestly feel that having the verse in "quote" form for almost its entirety took a bit away for me. I've just never been a fan of quoted narration. I dont mind if they are done in sections, but not for entire verses. . . but again, thats just a personal preference. The technical aspects were really well done, you developed a character around the image and really divulged yourself into illustrating his journey. A very well executed verse of championship caliber, even though i wasnt overly moved by it
Frost,
I enjoyed the story a bit here, and this is another one of those battles where people who are 'story above all' could easily make a case to vote for you. Seems you really stepped up the vocabulary for this one.
its lines such as. . .
And in came the endgame for abusement of my mind’s palace of sanity, I slayed-
But an insane cinema of repeating squeaks of springs, triggered clips that played…
where you would sneak in these witty little sections of imagery that gave the verse a nice touch.
multis were o.k., sometimes they felt a bit misplaced or forced
"nefarious breeding, this scene was my feeding..
She was pleading, while he was creeping, I was seething;"
but thought in the overall scheme, they had a nice balance and helped piece the longer lines together.
Between us, I didnt listen to the beat as i read your work. I like the writing to develop the flow, i never use the beats for a guidline, and flow is where i had the most issue with your verse.
In the first half of the verse everything seemed structured real well, and flowed good. Then by the middle section where you started hitting the transitions, it kind of started going all over the place. So i think your biggest challenge is going to be finding a structure that the readers can agree with, as this is what hindered your verse the most when people voted against you last week.
with all that said, i still liked the actual story better then 143's. and even though i had issues with certain sections of your work, i at least like the fact that the transitions took me into new territory, and seemed to hold my interest. With 143's verse, I kind of found the pace of the story a bit bland. . and all the quotations were a bit distracting. However, as far as flow, vocabulary etc. . all that was very enjoyable and the structure was much easier to follow.
like i said, its a hard one to vote because where one lacked, the other excelled and it counter balanced both of the verses leaving my decision deadlocked. .
I just walked away feeling a bit more entertained by Frost's verse. It dont happen often, but 143 just didnt really click with me. And even though i liked the technicals a lot more in 143's work. . Frost was just a more enjoyable read with all noted faults aside.
vote - Frost