night light to the boy

[memoir]

birds mute, choked
swallowed tongues ascend on beds of barley
the moon
is held tight like a close friend,
250 thousand years & still it vows to protect
the Capulet of stars, burdening the coquetry of the night air.


natures stage lay cracked between the lost and the hiding
it's here I find myself
waiting.


tonight I wait at a whisper
rid the guiding lights far travelled from our past century.
our code; a warranty of thoughts leading me towards eventide.


I ponder simple perception
...the nurture of my unforeseen nature
The 'what if's' and 'what hows'
do now, fabricate a leaning tower of Pisa
inside my swear box.


our conception is tried;
we become lost in wild grass
a hood of rats taught to rattle the barrels.


I was not taught to pursue glory along dark, sapid roads
I become tonight;
here, waiting for life's vow.


our principles are beholden to nobody, turning grey matter
into vivid winter days
our prospects could hopefully soon fade.


ambition once lead to starry nights
violin matters, birds in harmony & cotton clouds
where angels stagnate
waiting, just like me.


if you sit still on dark nights, my love
& find your mind wandering in my direction, wait for me;
wait for me,
to find the answers to connect the dots
that lead me home.

[ILLunatic]

ATTENTION memoir,

This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to.

[memoir]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...81494-Untitled
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ed-Slug-Poetry

[Emily]

memoir, your wording mesmerizes me at times. It makes me feel a bit high.
You have the ability to take your A4 to another dimension and the beauty of it is,
you take us with you.
One thing I was a bit confused by was the 'what how's'. I tried to put it into a sentence
in my mind and couldn't. I don't know if it's because I'm tired or because it didn't work for me.
Or maybe you had that abstract freedom of speech happening. Poetic licence style.
That's the negative lol.

Something about the way you write makes me float. And even though you use every day language
you mix it with some odd word choices that just work for me so well.
ex:
"...do now, fabricate a leaning tower of Pisa
inside my swear box...."

And the romantic nature you place so eloquently is divine.

"I was not taught to pursue glory along dark, sapid roads
I become tonight;
here, waiting for life's vow..."

Sweet and smooth wording that rolls easily and sits comfortably and reads effortlessly.

My favourite parts:

"...ambition once lead to starry nights
violin matters, birds in harmony & cotton clouds
where angels stagnate
waiting, just like me.


if you sit still on dark nights, my love
& find your mind wandering in my direction, wait for me;
wait for me,
to find the answers to connect the dots
that lead me home."

Loving all of that.
You melt minds with words.

Traits of a top writer.

Another beautiful piece memoir.

[memoir]

Thank you my dear, for the kind words yet again.

[memoir]

anymore feed. I will return feed.

[Zen the Dude]

Eh, if I'm being honest I didn't particularly enjoy this. You would always lead me in with some great imagery, but then your wording would take me out of the moment completely. Like the moon in the first stanza, then you say "250 thousand years old..." and I'm out of the poem completely. Lines like that aren't needed in my opinion because we know the moon's old, so instead just keep moving the story forward instead of stopping it to tell us what we already know. That would be my main complaint about it, I'm not being a dick to you but instead trying to give you a bit of constructive criticism brah. Keep writing.

[English]

you have some good writing from what i saw but every stanza is not a sentence and if you're not giving even slight waypoints as to how it should read, i'm not going to struggle through it. every words weighs a bit, and its arrangement (punctuation included) tells how it should be lifted. it shapes meaning, rhythm, perspective and all that good shit. no knock on the writing, but i can't feasibly read this.