Looking through our old texts. Family I can't miss, or stand to message
Pure sorrow swells inside my dark skull, as an abyss manifested
this was your best couplet. really by a pretty long shot. why? because it was real. it was visceral and not overly abstracted from its core meaning to fit your next rhyme count. this was something people do. something i've done. it's one of those contemporary mourning rituals that strays from cliche because its very idea is generation specific. ours. it connects.
Exactly.
Baby, the way we bind is a polyphonic decline
just a dope rhythm here. looks familiar...
I know. Lol.
Modern turn of phrase from a good friend of ours.
I use the phrase in a way that suggests bonding on deep levels but also suggesting how the relationship is detrimental to itself due to its unstable development.
Like two married porn stars having an affair together in Vegas. Recipe for disaster.
i think 8 stories is a bit lower than i would go but alright. i mean, theres always a chance you make it..
So true. So very true.
ending on that crucial in-between was well done. its a thinker. i was a fan of the completeness really because i find it so difficult to wrap things up in a bow. or in your case it is left a bit looser, partially open but still rounded out
That was the ulterior motive of this verse my nigga. I want to wrap a story up in 44 or less.
And the closure was left partially open for interpretation. I could have manifested the unsettling emotions into the main male character but that is too cliché. I could have also said they run away together and live happily ever after - which would still have the twist of her coming back after staging death but in my eyes that is a bit corny.
I could have chose an interesting ending. They could have killed the abusive step-father & then continued on. Yeah.
really man what is holding you back is your clinging to how you're used to doing things. if you have a story to tell, tell it and let the rhymes manifest themselves as tools. not as guiding components. you will change and it will feel uncomfortable but you will ultimately fall into yourself as a more confident and identifiable writer.
I write too many verses in many variations of format to actually get offensive/defensive at this particular opinion.
I respect your words though.
maybe you won't feel like you have to up your last verse 14 times for more comments because it was supposed to be your masterpiece and you don't know when you will write another like it. it doesnt matter. write something new and create a series. don't build everything up like its some giant pyramid to be fucking fawned over. your magnum opus, provided its recognized as such, will create itself. in time
People still will(would) statistically feed that 'last verse' more often than my current drops in the OM. That's the people's choice, not mine. I can up a thread a thousand times & as long as everyone ignores it, it will continue to drop down the pages. I up everything & anything I want. Because I can.
In fact, I plan to stop by one of your pieces I enjoyed enough to call it one of my all time favorites.
talking about impoverished hearts and a noose of a trap. nah man. eclipse the sips?
Somebody in France or Russia probably thought that phrasing was the shit.
Unfortunately you didn't & I respect your taste & opinion on them.
I even agree because everything could be better. Everything.
your poetic license only takes you so far. i don't know how much you read but your descriptive language could be way stronger. you don't manage to lend any real power to your rhymes and this is why.
I think too fast to put a bunch of imagery into verses. But, descriptive language is what you like?
I'll key up something pretty soon that has that language you desire. Just for you, my friend.
just let go
and I'm done because i am barely making sense anymore
You repeated language twice, got damn my nigga. You must have got a dab before you fed this tbh.
thanks
You're welcome baby boy.
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The Birds of Fallen Graces
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Originally Posted by Mr. Black
