Sacred Scriptures Season 15 Week 2: L.E (1-0) vs Judge Mentill (0-0) *L.E WINS*

[143]

Check in by 2/13
Verses by 2/17 if extension granted 2/18
Voting ends 2/22
You must vote on all open battles

See rules here----> http://rapbattles.com/showthread.php...eason-15-Rules


@L.E @Judge Mentill

http://img04.deviantart.net/f132/i/2...on-d920bbz.jpg
http://orig04.deviantart.net/60bd/f/...25-d39zgz7.jpg
http://orig11.deviantart.net/6d6a/f/...837d6e1dec.jpg

“When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.”
“We have never heard the devil's side of the story, God wrote all the book.”

Along came a Spider
Venturous Breakthroughs

[Judge Mentill]

Checking in like rehab. Good luck man.

[L.E]

Checking in! Interesting pictures and topics.

Thank you man, good luck to you as well!

[Judge Mentill]

http://orig04.deviantart.net/60bd/f/...25-d39zgz7.jpg


His Muse

A scarlet harlot, the maker of many a martyr
Empires crumbled by a flirtatious kiss at a departure
Birthed patricide like Mordred to Arthur by the lake
The Lady left in tears and imprisoned for his fate
Whispered the right words to turn the dictator to the tyrant
Smiled in cruel approval at the blossoms of the vibrant-
Flames which rolled over an old utopia

The meek would sell their souls just for the chance to know her
The Muse, the face of every Botticelli angel
The birth of Venus reincarnated; making the stage swell
A broken artist in his cups, a disgrace in the dark
Fumbling for matches; can't see the state of the art
She replaces the spark, illuminates his chosen path
Folds her brilliant wings around him when Satan shows his wrath

She poured the petrol, then burned the house down as his children were sleeping
Smeared the evidence of his fingerprints as gently as teasing
Gave him 40 years for her sins as innocently as an urchin
You can tell she's in the room by the smell of burnt skin
Inspired despair into the bedsheets to the shape of a noose
Then kicked the stool from underneath him as he tried to get loose

As one man's inspiration is another's destruction
She can raise a living nation as easily as deduct one
So when the smoke cleared from the battleground, the victor's gathered round
It was her brow that caught the crown when the cries had settled down
Her gentle words that forged the peace that followed, the temperance to his wrath
That stopped a second war from coming in the aftermath
The grace that saved a 1000 worlds from power misused
To save the soul of man
He listens to his muse





Yup.

[L.E]

I had a bit of a family emergency today so I was taken away from the computer. But I can post my stuff in the morning as long as that's alright.

[Judge Mentill]

Np man.

[L.E]

http://img04.deviantart.net/f132/i/2...on-d920bbz.jpg

Along Came A Spider

Intricate winds branching its path through the narrow of trees.
So barren a wheeze, teamed with the violence of a Pharaoh's decrees.
Tingle of hair on my cheek, the force, sorts of an arrow through breeze.
My course bends and retorts, air alive, it's like a scarecrow could breathe.
Pedal, my limbs! Every strength you were born with, give rise!
The portion, surprised! The bike moves quick as rain pours from the skies.
The burn, an auburn inside. Glance back, moonlight jaunts through the twine...
Greying jade of the leaves, and through the silver rushed the monsters behind.

Silent, feet moving like shadows...they wish for their teeth in my veins!
Blackest of eyes, squeak of the grains! Trees crumble underneath freakish of frames.
Soon, they were coming. Rancid, some manipulation of fantastic design,
Was it real..? Or was something off in the way light interacts with my mind?
The dark and the gloom...it was all too real, way too far from a tune...
The first attacker was large in my room. I have the scars and the wounds!
They thought it was fake! But it was as sure as there were swans in the lake.
I pondered the great...
...but around the corner to the bridge was the last jaunt I would take.


"Damn it", the cigarette lands on his hand, swore as he stamped in sand.
Below him rose the lights of ambulance and police. His vantage was grand.
Third murder of the week. Over the beach with the bridge in the back,
But as the facts of this case stacked...physique? Not a smidge was intact.
He would fill in the cracks. Down the stairs he went, followed the tracks...
And lost his lunch when he seen half the body...with but a limb of it attached.
Every soul in the room was green. "Jason, better get a truck for your team.
Forget something to eat. This is the kind of shit that fucks with your dreams."

The lad's name had been James, the tag picked through the remains by the neck.
The whole place had been stepped, swept, but the killer? Not a trace of it left.
Learning his past, James was schizophrenic and was always nervous in class.
The version enacts, he would talk about the monsters following in murderous laps.
The squad dispersed and collapsed, Jason stood over the stain of blood on the ground.
Frowned at the notes from Jame's classmates..."James was strange when the other was around."
Figment of dreams. Surely, the evidence would be found with the placement and checks!
He turned, as his vision blurred! And the shadow approached...

..."Jason, you're next."

http://orig11.deviantart.net/6d6a/f/...837d6e1dec.jpg

[Soule]

Judge. I liked the concept and storytelling. You did a very nice job on giving some enlightenment on the situation. I feel like you could've got a little more in depth with your content but that's just me being a needy storyteller. I think your weak spot in a rhyme scheme. At time it awkwardly changed and I feel like you could use a few multies in each line to improve the pace of the read. Good shit though and an interesting approach to the topic.

LE, this was pretty dope. I really liked the concept you came up with and felt like your approach was equally intriguing. Wording was very smooth and made for plenty of creative lines. Your rhyme scheme kinda reminds me of my own. So not to be egotistic but I like it lol. I really can't think of anything worth complaining about so I guess that's all I've got to say. Nice job.

It was a nice battle but, and not to sound like a dick, I feel like via personal preference LE took this quite easily. Better storytelling, better concept and more enjoyable rhyme scheme. Good shit though gents. Vote LE.

[CleverWordz]

Okay.

Judge: I truly appreciate the mother nature type theme with some weird twists in the rope. I agree with Viral about the lack of content that was probably slipped out after the middle segment that gave some ravishing detail. After that the flow was cool, but lacked more content that just didn't tie deeply enough with the storytelling itself. Good read though man.

L.E.: Basically, I see a trend with this storytelling approach about cryptic lifestyles whom seek for justice or fate. You're piece on the other hand dwells with a stalker who preys on the faint heart. The title itself is about various abductions from the movie itself. Several other movies base off those events as well. However, I can dig this approach that didn't exaggerate to much progression. Though I believe you wrote more than Judge based on line quality.

Overall: L.E gmv because his story held a deeper meaning within the concepts. I just suggest Judge use more crisp detail and more detail content so the story can unfold more relevant.Good read though fellas.

[Sammy]

aite ok

this was a decent battle.

JudgeMentill this was actually a very cool read, man, but i think the one problem i had with your verse was the wording. Some were just awkwardly constructed. like these here lines here

smeared the evidence of his fingerprints as gently as teasing

i see what ur trying to do there but it just read very strange, lol. the choice of comparison didn't work, to me. Its hard to explain but there was something off, in terms of the tone of the comparison. It was like mixing beer with wine, lmao for lack of better explanation.

Gave him 40 years for her sins as innocently as an urchin

<--- and that there was a very weird analogy lol. Who knows maybe i just read and didn't comprehended it as intended by the writer but it was definitely an eye browse raising line lol. Ok, now that we got the bad part out the way let me point out what i liked about it. The first stanza was awesome, to me. Especially the last line where you likened a blossoming flower to blazing fire was dope stuff! Anyways, the story i got from this was an abusive husband who pushed his beautiful wife to a breaking point. Either that or the chick was bat shit crazy already lol. The story progression was interesting and great usage of poetic flair to sketch the psychology of the character. Despite what i mentioned earlier, this was NOT a bad read. ups.


L.E. Great forging of poetry and narrative here. The story was cool but i thought the highlight was really the execution. The sight, the sound even the more abstract ideas that would, otherwise, behard to even explain, was done with ease.

Soon, they were coming. Rancid, some manipulation of fantastic design,
Was it real..? Or was something off in the way light interacts with my mind?

^^interesting concept there. As far as the story, its a little convoluted to me lol, like why is Jason next? was there some kind of domino "The Ring", "The Grudge" kind of concept that if u get in touch with a victim you're dead too? Overall cool read with great execution, technically speaking.

Ok this was a bit tough. If it was based purely on story, i would have given to judgementill. The character sketch of a psychologically disturbed wife was very interesting as oppose to LE's murder mystery narrative with a last minute Mcguffin thing. But if we take into account technical skills and narrative, then i will have to vote LE. I thought his writing was a bit more refined and he knew what he wanted to do and did it very well. Props to both though.

[SELF ACTIVATE]

Judge:

I hate to sound fruity, but it needs to be said. Judge you had some beautiful language in your verse. There were a couple incredible moments of pure poetic brilliance. For instance.

Fumbling for matches; can't see the state of the art
She replaces the spark, illuminates his chosen path
Folds her brilliant wings around him when Satan shows his wrath

^The poetic imagery in those lines wowed me. That's impressive writing.

Overall, I think you put a lot of effort into this verse. The majority of your lines could stand alone due to all the singular imagery you incorporated in them. You also had a healthy amount of mechanical devices displayed through out your verse. Mostly, slant and internal rhymes. However; due to the artistic appeal of the photo you chose, I think you wrote your verse in such a sophisticated manner, that at times it sort of marinated with slow timing and dragged on, instead of flowing with vibrancy. I mean, it was great in terms of the execution of the picture. But, perhaps a little too still framed at the same time. If that makes sense. Nonetheless, your writing ability did not go unnoticed.

L.E.

Your story was a little confusing. Ironically, the topic you chose was actually the one I submitted, so you'd think I'd have a stronger grasp on the content. So I went back and reread it. Now I do. My favorite part of your verse was the part in bold. It was just a great story. Like a thriller. I could imagine the guy on his bike pedaling for dear life. I could imagine the fiend chasing him. It was cinema in written form. Mechanically, I also enjoyed your wording. Some times a little too abstract, but always appropriate in it's placement. It all fit without force. Flow wpise it was a smooth read as well.

Vote - L.E.

Both wrote nice reading verses. But in the end I was more enthralled by L's piece. Nice battle fellas.

Peace...

[143]

Judge

Truly I didn't know what I was going to see from you but you came out swinging haymakers. I love the vocab in this and the representation. Very complex and sophisticated. This was a viewing into the ultra rich vanguard topical. The way you made this addiction into actions that cause malice in a normal sense was brilliant. Her every action was that of destroying the normalcy of what these people are trying to gain. A modern devil's advocate. The wording was intense, rich with color and the technical aspects were above par. You brought a gun to a knife fight

L.E

And you brought a bazooka to a gun fight. All the representation for the different emotions captured abstractly was woven nicely. I could feel these images as I was reading the verse. Even the side play on the topical picture not taking the obvious take on it fit just so. The way that you placed it as more as pegs to get to the next image rather than a conveyor belt to me is the right choice as you left it up to me to follow it rather than instructions to which way to go. Overall this some dopeness.

Vote L.E

[TheIllyricist]

JUDGE MENTILL

A scarlet harlot, the maker of many a martyr
Empires crumbled by a flirtatious kiss at a departure
Birthed patricide like Mordred to Arthur by the lake
The Lady left in tears and imprisoned for his fate
Whispered the right words to turn the dictator to the tyrant
Smiled in cruel approval at the blossoms of the vibrant-
Flames which rolled over an old utopia

I’m digging on the concept that you came in here with. The idea that all the great men, from philosphers to poets to kings etc. had a woman behind them. A muse who they loved and fueled their desire and fire to do the things that they ultimately did. That they are behind the successes and the failures of empires among other things. Flames which rolled over an old utopia is a dope end line. Cool start here.

The meek would sell their souls just for the chance to know her
The Muse, the face of every Botticelli angel
The birth of Venus reincarnated; making the stage swell
A broken artist in his cups, a disgrace in the dark
Fumbling for matches; can't see the state of the art
She replaces the spark, illuminates his chosen path
Folds her brilliant wings around him when Satan shows his wrath

I’m kinda against coming out and saying ‘the muse’. Feels a little bit on the nose to me. I think with the rest of your imagery, it should be clear to the reader that we know this is a muse! Especially because your title already indicates this. I also think that one line should be bridging into the next unless otherwise pointed out. It’s kind of a nitpicky thing (and I forget about it sometimes) so take that with a grain of salt. For example, “The birth of Venus reincarnated; making the stage swell – A broken artist in his cups, a disgrace in the dark” The one line didn’t transition well into the next, it didn’t make as much sense as it should have. But, the very next line you transition very well with ‘fumbling for matches’. Again, you had pretty sweet imagery. Folded wings around a person is such a cool visual and always will be. However, try to make the wording a little more concise and wordy. Feels like it drags a little.

She poured the petrol, then burned the house down as his children were sleeping
Smeared the evidence of his fingerprints as gently as teasing
Gave him 40 years for her sins as innocently as an urchin
You can tell she's in the room by the smell of burnt skin
Inspired despair into the bedsheets to the shape of a noose
Then kicked the stool from underneath him as he tried to get loose

‘Smeared the evidence of his fingerprints as gently as teasing’ some awkward wording there. You could come up with something better than that, and I think you know it. ‘Innocently as an urchin’. Interesting line and I’m not sure how much it means. Visually I’d also write out the word forty rather than the number, numbers look ugly in this format. Just an aesthetic feel for me. Not a huge thing so don’t worry about it. There’s so much potential in this bar right here, that you really hurt yourself with some awkward phrasing kinda sucks cus’ everything about this could be absolutely dope. As it is, it’s simply good.

As one man's inspiration is another's destruction
She can raise a living nation as easily as deduct one
So when the smoke cleared from the battleground, the victor's gathered round
It was her brow that caught the crown when the cries had settled down
Her gentle words that forged the peace that followed, the temperance to his wrath
That stopped a second war from coming in the aftermath
The grace that saved a 1000 worlds from power misused
To save the soul of man
He listens to his muse

Kind of full circle here, the muse can inspire and also destroy. This can relate to all relationships I think. Some are perfect for us, others are abusive or destructive. Love the photo, love the idea, and some of the images you use are great. Just felt a few lines stretched out too far and threw off the flow. I’d also say this would be ten times better if you added a more personal flare to the song. I mean everyone can relate to having a muse/inspiration. You could have gotten us truly invested in this on a deep level. Still, not a bad piece man. Overall pretty solid. Good work. I know I say this to everybody, but some editing always takes the good to great and the great to legendary.

L.E

Intricate winds branching its path through the narrow of trees.
So barren a wheeze, teamed with the violence of a Pharaoh's decrees.
Tingle of hair on my cheek, the force, sorts of an arrow through breeze.
My course bends and retorts, air alive, it's like a scarecrow could breathe.
Pedal, my limbs! Every strength you were born with, give rise!
The portion, surprised! The bike moves quick as rain pours from the skies.
The burn, an auburn inside. Glance back, moonlight jaunts through the twine...
Greying jade of the leaves, and through the silver rushed the monsters behind.

Great flow, should get that out of the way first. The imagery is well done too, and you also make use of the senses to transport me to the world you’re describing. I don’t think you need the ‘sort of an’ part in the arrow through the breeze. Something like ‘an’ arrow through the breeze would fit and flow better. The first person exclamation is cool too. “Pedal, my limbs!” Gives the idea of furiously riding the bike out of danger’s way.

Silent, feet moving like shadows...they wish for their teeth in my veins!
Blackest of eyes, squeak of the grains! Trees crumble underneath freakish of frames.
Soon, they were coming. Rancid, some manipulation of fantastic design,
Was it real..? Or was something off in the way light interacts with my mind?
The dark and the gloom...it was all too real, way too far from a tune...
The first attacker was large in my room. I have the scars and the wounds!
They thought it was fake! But it was as sure as there were swans in the lake.
I pondered the great...
...but around the corner to the bridge was the last jaunt I would take.

Characterizing the monsters through the feelings of the narrators: good choice. “Trees crumble underneath freakish of frames.” I feel like there’s a word missing in here. Is there another way to say they were coming instead of ‘soon, they were coming’? A way to describe it in a more visual manner and make us feel the impending doom/fear you’re trying to get across. ‘Was it real?’ I like that line (the whole one with light interacts with my mind). Last jaunt I would take – ominous line. Sets us up for what comes next quite nicely.

"Damn it", the cigarette lands on his hand, swore as he stamped in sand.
Below him rose the lights of ambulance and police. His vantage was grand.
Third murder of the week. Over the beach with the bridge in the back,
But as the facts of this case stacked...physique? Not a smidge was intact.
He would fill in the cracks. Down the stairs he went, followed the tracks...
And lost his lunch when he seen half the body...with but a limb of it attached.
Every soul in the room was green. "Jason, better get a truck for your team.
Forget something to eat. This is the kind of shit that fucks with your dreams."

Change of perspective to third person? That’s a pretty cool move. Again using the senses builds a better picture for us, we can feel the sting of a burning cig on our hands. For a moment I wondered if the new perspective was the same person… until you brought up the ‘half the body’. Great visuals. And the rhyme scheme was brilliant for he dialogue piece there. Such a nice way to end this bar man.

The lad's name had been James, the tag picked through the remains by the neck.
The whole place had been stepped, swept, but the killer? Not a trace of it left.
Learning his past, James was schizophrenic and was always nervous in class.
The version enacts, he would talk about the monsters following in murderous laps.
The squad dispersed and collapsed, Jason stood over the stain of blood on the ground.
Frowned at the notes from Jame's classmates..."James was strange when the other was around."
Figment of dreams. Surely, the evidence would be found with the placement and checks!
He turned, as his vision blurred! And the shadow approached...

..."Jason, you're next."

And boom! I’m picking up on the idea that Jason is also James and that he is the killer? Or I’m completely reading that wrong. Still, you’ve got this murder mystery horror thriller concept and the story was an engaging read. You had the better concept of these two entries, the better structure, better wording, and ultimately you got my vote.

v/ L.E

[Nahlidge]

Judge, this was a nice drop. I wish you would have dug into the story of the lady more though. I felt the 3rd stanza that leaned more toward a story telling vibe was the highlight of it. I think if you had took that approach a little more and expanded on that it would have made for a better drop. The influence the muse had was portrayed nicely, I just never felt a connection with the character though.

L.E. nice story driven piece here. I thought at times some of the wording to keep up with the rhyme was a little forced, but I could see the piece unfolding as I read it. And that was a big plus to me that out weighed anything I can complain about. I like the change in perspective from one character to the other but I also wish you would have touched on the classmates a little more. That one line I think opened up the piece for a little more exploration and maybe could have helped developed James' character a little more.

Vote - L.E.
I had to read both drops a couple times. I thought both pieces were similar in a way that they both had 2 main characters so to speak. So I liked the contrast of that between the two writers. I felt both could have developed a little more back story though. I think these pieces both needed more when it came to that. L.E. excelled in the story telling and mechanics aspect of this match up though and gets my vote because of that.