sleeveless (i am the blues)

[English]

i am not a poet. that's a label.
i'm an able, ancient force of creation
predating words to shape it.

i am nascent:
sapience growing only
when it's known it's not grown.
i am home

when wandering amongst
foreign winds not foreign.
to lack a sense of belonging
is to forget to one's self.

forfeit one's self-image;
identity tied to other's eye
will compromise your visage.

instead actualize your instinct.
that often forgotten knot in your gut,
untie its corrupt tangle and tug.

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?

[Emily]

i am not a poet. that's a label. That's genius. Well said.
i'm an able, ancient force of creation
predating words to shape it.

i am nascent:
sapience growing only
when it's known it's not grown.
i am home what a stand out stanza, English. This is organic and humble and beautiful

when wandering amongst
foreign winds not foreign.
to lack a sense of belonging
is to forget to one's self.

forfeit one's self-image;
identity tied to other's eye
will compromise your visage. I admire and appreciate the deep reflection here.

instead actualize your instinct.
that often forgotten knot in your gut,
untie its corrupt tangle and tug.

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done? [B]My favourite part. 'Wear your heart on your tongue, is clever, and I'm wondering why I've never heard anyone put it quite like that before. Way to go out with this English. Top job.


Oh I love this. I love all of this. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to feed, I've had a lot on my plate and I'm trying to get to everything. But this is beauty in words. It's got such wisdom about it and it doesn't come off as snooty but classy and refined.
It grabs my heart and shakes it up, and touches my brain and wakes it up. And leaves me different.
I'm glad you wrote it.
I'm glad I read it.

This is divine.

Thank you

[English]

oh, you're getting brave now.

this is unfinished but for now it works.

[Fatrick Swayze]

So did you write the ending first?

I feel like those last couple of lines are powerful to over tone and direction
Of the piece. I doubt you are that cliché with your writing. The ending had
Purpose, well done. Until I completed it was ok, but built up so lovely lol. Shame it ain't done though.

[TheIllyricist]

i am not a poet. that's a label.
i'm an able, ancient force of creation
predating words to shape it.

Almost read 'able' as abel with the whole ancient force of creation theme. I like these words. The concept of not being a poet but rather an un-nameable and indescribable force of creation. To choose a word: inspiration? Perhaps, but that doesn't quite do it justice. There's something in us, innate, always there from even before we were here causing these words to come out yeah?

i am nascent:
sapience growing only
when it's known it's not grown.
i am home

Known, not grown. This stanza eludes me a little bit, but is nonetheless smooth flowing and of intrigue. Our ability to acquire knowledge and reason is not grown until it's known. That part of us only grows when we reach that stage of knowing, I suppose. Then, I like our stop there with the period, drifting to another thought with 'i am home'. Great lead in to the next stanza.

when wandering amongst
foreign winds not foreign.
to lack a sense of belonging
is to forget to one's self.

Foreign winds not foreign. Rebirth, reincarnation perhaps? We've faced these winds before, we just don't know it. Or, more simpler, they're familiar winds. Lack a sense of being is to forget one's self? I wonder if you need the second to in there, if it was on purpose or a typo. Regardless, I get the feeling of not belong. It probably means we've forgotten who we are in some kind of way, and that loss of that tiny but crucial piece to ourselves throws off the foundation.

forfeit one's self-image;
identity tied to other's eye
will compromise your visage.

Your face is your own, your true face has no ties to what other people see you as. Depending on what other people think of us causes us to sacrifice our actual self which is the strongest of all the identities we take for ourselves; and by being the strongest it probably would make us happiest.

instead actualize your instinct.
that often forgotten knot in your gut,
untie its corrupt tangle and tug.

That instinct. Nervousness with a girl? Nervousness around people? We have so many things we want to say yet we leave it unsaid because of that knot we refuse to tug. Because of what? Fear? Of judgment? Those things don't matter...

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?

And you summarize that so well right here with a flip of a cliched phrase. Let it out, being silent never helped anybody.

Stand-out poem here. I'm more than impressed and I'd like to see what it looks like when it's finished.

[Poeta Demonio]

i am not a poet. that's a label.
i'm an able, ancient force of creation
predating words to shape it.

Great opening stanza. Not sure if it was a deliberate reference, but I really like that you brought the idea of the first children (Cain and Abel) to develop the idea of art being inherent to man, not an artificial replication. I feel however the phrase 'words to shape it' should be 'words that shape it' but other than that, perfect.

i am nascent:
sapience growing only
when it's known it's not grown.
i am home

Again, really like the development and your structural placement of ideas. It drags us from the ancient tales of old and thrusts the reader into the present. Possibly one more stanza previous to this one could be implemented to ease the transition. I like that you placed 'I am home' on its own as I feel that is the most important line in the stanza. Not the prettiest line! but the one that grounds us back in the present.


when wandering amongst
foreign winds not foreign.
to lack a sense of belonging
is to forget to one's self.

Love this stanza. The notion that when we segregate our minds via nationalistic, social, and traditional values we create a humanity that is divided, forgetting that the Earth is everyone's and no singular person has claim to it, or the right to draw physical and mental borders between us. That could of course be a misreading to your intentions but that's my take on it, and I love it!

forfeit one's self-image;
identity tied to other's eye
will compromise your visage.

Again, a perfect summation of the idea of rejecting the traditional appendages of modernity and reverting back to a less complicated self. A self that is determined and not shaped by external opinions and expectation.

instead actualize your instinct.
that often forgotten knot in your gut,
untie its corrupt tangle and tug.

I felt there were wording issues here that made the flow feel awkward. Infact I point blank don't like the first line of the stanza. I don't feel it contributes, but rather unnecessarily re-iterates what you've essentially been talking about, except not worded as well. The latter two lines are magical though! Your
syllabic awareness and mastery is impressive. It reads like a dream.

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?

Annnddd perfect last line. And a very nice overturning of cliche, which is for me, the overriding message f the piece.

Very well written and I hope to read lots more from you