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Thread: Domestic Lies

  1. #1
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    Domestic Lies

    Don't really know if people still post in here, wanted to get more feedback on this from other places.


    Domestic Lies



    I'm finally speaking up, all the years of mental abuse I feel mistreated and SHOOK.
    I look battered and confused, these scars are inconsistent with the beating I took.
    I hid my face when I was being pummelled because there's no reason to look.
    my face to his fist, was the missing ingredient.. like seasoning to cooks.
    the stories of domestic violence hit home, but they sound meaningless in books.
    I just want to die, because he manipulated me... now I'm breathing less and SHOOK.


    I don't know what went wrong...

    We were arguing one day, and he said I embarrassed him in front of his friends.
    He twist's everything I say, so he can justify his excuse for crushing my ribs.
    Refused to function with him, If I didn't cooperate he'd use the seduction for sin.
    All I need is a reduction to win, get rid of his ass... the destruction begins!
    Every time I try to better myself, he counters.. and restructures the trends.
    He won't stop messing with my head until my spine re punctures and bends.

    He wants me in the worst condition possible, bloody, or laying on the mattresses naked.
    It has me anticipating my own death, every day I'm praying that my casket is waiting.
    But knowing him he has an insurance policy, that'll be paid when my ashes is graved in.
    hope he gets into a wreck, his body flies through the windshield and crashes on the pavement.
    the glass shatters on his face, pierce's his jaw, and his skull cracks into a fragment.
    If the damage is enough to qualify for a body bag, please let me be the last one to drag it.


    You claimed I wasn't good for you, everyone that knows us, knows that isn't logical.
    Your complaints are followed by vivid descriptions of my death; who sounds more diabolical?
    You hiding your face wasn't my fault, you just didn't want to be seen by the world.
    you’re doing us both favors, insecure now, and I don't want to be seen with that girl.
    You used to be more humble, now you struggle, and want someone to pacify your need.
    That defines your greed, so I have to continue to strategize until you can actualize your grief
    .


    You expect everyone to feel sorry for you, you cried every night but it is tears of regret.
    You couldn’t weather the storm, despite seeing the forecast years before we met.
    You were more violent in this relationship than me, and all of your fears restore the threat.
    Every time you got scared and felt scorned, all you could think of was to explore my death.
    You focused on the stupid shit I did, you had a lot of problems too but you ignored the rest.
    expected to fix a broken relationship under your own terms, just because you deplore what's left.

    It took me awhile to see it, but it’s in front of my eyes, that you was always submissively strange.
    You would beat yourself up, so I stay conflicted, It’s almost like I’m committed to getting the blame.
    didn’t get ur way, took a razor to your wrist, so when the cops came they thought I inflicted the pain.
    branded yourself with ur own fist; you're branded in me through tattoo's that encrypted ur name.
    I’m not a military man, but in this cold war, we fight the same fight, and we’re enlisted the same.
    They don't believe in your lies anymore because I’m acquitted every time I’m hit with a case.


    You’re finally speaking up, but every time you open your mouth, it just causes our soul to melt.
    You can play the victim, and spread your countless lies all you want, it’s like it’s your goal to fail.
    grown women participating in show and tell, a slow recovery, means this shit isn’t going well.
    Everyone knows the tail, that men hit harder… but it’s their women, that will hit below the belt.
    It's hard to believe in your lies when there's no real explanation for your constant bruising.
    insurance policy? if I get money from your death, then that was your only contribution.



    1. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...f-Dawn-s-Abyss
    2. http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...0301-Spoon-Fed

  2. #2
    Whatever, Fuck You HighEngineChief's Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    This was pretty dope. I like the plot twist, and I wasn't expecting it. The two sides of the story play worked well here. The duel perspective gives the reader something to think about, and really forces them to pick a side. Interesting because it can reveal a persons own perspective based on which side they are inclined to believe. On the technical side the flow was fairly solid throughout, though it was a bit stiff in places. Could benefit from a few extra multis here and there and it also doesn't hurt to go off beat sometimes; it helps create a more dynamic rhythm. There were a few grammatical errors but I won't get into those. All in all this was a dope, interesting read. I won't tell you which side I chose to believe, but either could be true.

  3. #3

    Re: Domestic Lies

    This was a dope piece tbh, you already know my feedback. I voted it WOTM elsewhere for a reason. I really like the dualistic concept provided here where we see both perspectives and are still perplexed as to who is in the right or wrong. Good shit. I bet Cody wishes he could write half as good as this, but that's neither here nor there.

  4. #4
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    Dia this was some nice writing bro, real depth to it, lots of emotion through a decent narrative... you seem to have grown as a writer since I last read one of ur drops, 'long time ago'... my criticism if I had to give one would be around your line length, but that's just me preferring the shorter bars

    yea nice work bro...

    ........pz
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  5. #5
    more bodies Greedy's Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    This was good. If u write like this, ur a good writer. Not sure why I hate you. I just get a funny vibe from you. But I don't hate this piece. I don't get a funny vibe from this.. Vivid imagery, deep and thoughtful. Did stuff here man, kept me interested, with a pleasant surprise.
    Kill a bitch and kill her kid
    all depends what her nigga did
    -herbo

  6. #6
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    Fucking wow @Dia i am nominating this! This was some real heartfelt shit that isnt really spoken upon on the regular. Not to be all sappy but very emotional man. The way u tool it coming from the victim being a woman speaking out was fucking awesome. Realest piece ive ever seen oh here. U can actually picture everything happening in reality the women talking about how shes not good enough being manipulated into how its,her fault. Wow man just Wow!
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  7. #7
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    I'm finally speaking up, all the years of mental abuse I feel mistreated and SHOOK.
    I look battered and confused, these scars are inconsistent with the beating I took.
    I hid my face when I was being pummelled because there's no reason to look.
    my face to his fist, was the missing ingredient.. like seasoning to cooks.
    the stories of domestic violence hit home, but they sound meaningless in books.
    I just want to die, because he manipulated me... now I'm breathing less and SHOOK.
    ^Natural believable dialogue . Mechanically it was basically flawless. You're wording was spot on. Uncluttered and easy to track. You scheme was effective and moved from line to line in a brisk and effortless fashion. No obvious filler or wasted lines. Highly impressive writing here, bro.

    I don't know what went wrong...

    We were arguing one day, and he said I embarrassed him in front of his friends.
    He twist's everything I say, so he can justify his excuse for crushing my ribs.
    Refused to function with him, If I didn't cooperate he'd use the seduction for sin.
    All I need is a reduction to win, get rid of his ass... the destruction begins!
    Every time I try to better myself, he counters.. and restructures the trends.
    He won't stop messing with my head until my spine re punctures and bends.
    ^This piece seems really thought out and detailed. It's like You transcribed a conversation between an abuse victim and a social worker. I can feel her horror as she recounts the drama. And, again, the wording is insanely well placed. Except maybe the word "repunctures" (a little iffy) , but it serves its purpose. So whatever.

    He wants me in the worst condition possible, bloody, or laying on the mattresses naked.
    It has me anticipating my own death, every day I'm praying that my casket is waiting.
    But knowing him he has an insurance policy, that'll be paid when my ashes is graved in.
    hope he gets into a wreck, his body flies through the windshield and crashes on the pavement.
    the glass shatters on his face, pierce's his jaw, and his skull cracks into a fragment.
    If the damage is enough to qualify for a body bag, please let me be the last one to drag it.
    Some of the wording and the flow got a little loose, but still...what is there to hate on? Last line was gold.

    Overall -- the emotion came across real. The story is tragically interesting. And your skill should be applauded.

    You claimed I wasn't good for you, everyone that knows us, knows that isn't logical.
    Your complaints are followed by vivid descriptions of my death; who sounds more diabolical?
    You hiding your face wasn't my fault, you just didn't want to be seen by the world.
    you’re doing us both favors, insecure now, and I don't want to be seen with that girl.
    You used to be more humble, now you struggle, and want someone to pacify your need.
    That defines your greed, so I have to continue to strategize until you can actualize your grief.
    ^There are two sides to every story. The tables have turned. Intriguing perspective and twist I didn't see coming. Now is he telling the truth or is she? Which one has a warped sense of reality? Who is trying to rationalize their actions? Interesting stuff.

    Also

    Mechanically, everything was dope. In particular I think your vocab stood out here. Not too complex, instead just right and appropriately place.


    You expect everyone to feel sorry for you, you cried every night but it is tears of regret.
    You couldn’t weather the storm, despite seeing the forecast years before we met.
    ^Nice bit of wordplay and lyricism to remind us this is still a rap verse.

    You were more violent in this relationship than me, and all of your fears restore the threat.
    Every time you got scared and felt scorned, all you could think of was to explore my death.
    You focused on the stupid shit I did, you had a lot of problems too but you ignored the rest.
    expected to fix a broken relationship under your own terms, just because you deplore what's left.
    ^"Deplore what's left"...eh...I'm not sold on that wording but it makes sense so...yeah. The rest was insightful. I'm starting to kind of side with the guy. He's making the girl seem like a real nut job.

    It took me awhile to see it, but it’s in front of my eyes, that you was always submissively strange.
    You would beat yourself up, so I stay conflicted, It’s almost like I’m committed to getting the blame.
    didn’t get ur way, took a razor to your wrist, so when the cops came they thought I inflicted the pain.
    branded yourself with ur own fist; you're branded in me through tattoo's that encrypted ur name.
    ^Last line could have been worded better. Seems forced or cluttered to me.

    I’m not a military man, but in this cold war, we fight the same fight, and we’re enlisted the same.
    They don't believe in your lies anymore because I’m acquitted every time I’m hit with a case.
    ^Again, dope wordplay. The narrative is steady. So far it's been consistant and constantly interesting.


    You’re finally speaking up, but every time you open your mouth, it just causes our soul to melt.
    You can play the victim, and spread your countless lies all you want, it’s like it’s your goal to fail.
    grown women participating in show and tell, a slow recovery, means this shit isn’t going well.
    Everyone knows the tail, that men hit harder… but it’s their women, that will hit below the belt.
    "Tail"? I think you mean tale. Anywho, the words are just pouring out of you. Either you've been watching a lot Dr. Phil lately or you have some personal experience with domestic violence. I'm not sure. Maybe you're just pull this stuff out of then air. Regardless...you're doing the subject matter justice.

    It's hard to believe in your lies when there's no real explanation for your constant bruising.
    insurance policy? if I get money from your death, then that was your only contribution.
    ^Dope!

    In general: This was a dope read. The wording, flow, story, wordplay, all the boxes were checked.

    I dug it!


    Peace...

  8. #8
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    This was well written, O.J. Ok, seriously, I believe the male side, in this piece.
    I think the woman is a brainsick fruitcake, manipulative and unsound. I think there 'are' women who push for a domestic violence card, when in fact, the male is too embarrassed, to pull that card out himself. I think it's unfair that we still laugh at men getting beat up on, and tend to dismiss the reality, to the point where you don't hear about it.
    One more thing, .. @Sour Cig s quote in feed...
    Not sure why I hate you. I just get a funny vibe from you.
    --- LOL
    I thought this story was good. I thought you did well with a nice tale full of pain. I felt suspense, an energy.
    The pace moved right, and the words kept my interest, and the rhymes had a strong flow.
    Most of the time I noticed you rhymed with a nice beat in time. In some places, I'd like it a little unpredictable melodically tho.
    Its still great. I noticed a mistake here and there, spelling, who cares? With this body of work, that happens.
    Keep mindful. I found out, it's all taken into consideration when you get the best of the best.
    I thought your female character was going to be harder for you, but you pulled it off surprisingly.
    You coulda' fooled me. I thought that was a woman. She was written well.
    About half way, to, three quarters in, I felt bored with the melody though, but still captured by the words.
    The melody carried it all the way through, but I think it could have been stronger if you'd switched the pace, somewhere.
    To polish it. Not that it's not #superfriggenshiney as it is. It's interesting because it's not like it's not a very well written story.
    Emotion, connects. But, there's still something, that stays a bit vacant for me, because I haven't grown from your melody, just your words.
    I don't like... "...He won't stop messing with my head until my spine re punctures and bends..." ...the words 're punctures'.
    And I 'really' don't like the light blue. I kicked you in the head, in my head lol about half way through, I had to tilt the screen.
    It was difficult on the eyes to read in a relaxed state. I like the blue/pink idea, but the delivery on that sucked like a bastard.
    I would have preferred dark blue or black. The blue made me not want to read the blue bits again. I remember someone posted in yellow once. Maybe samajae lol, anyway, talking about kicks to the head...light blue or any 'light' colour, is an eyesore to read on a screen. If you don't want that, don't paste in pastels. Be bold, so we don't have to do the hard work.
    We should forget we're reading, remember?
    You've got a lot of great lines in here. And one by one, I won't quote them. I like the long bar style here. I think it's done well.
    I think both sides of the story tell it well. I like the ending. That was a great outro.
    I think some lines are really too long. Some seem stretched.
    I think it's really good how the two characters, cross examine in verse. They both have valid points and speak their mind.
    And they do it in a believable way.
    I like the high at the end with that outro.
    That's a great outro.
    And to get me down from that high, I just have to look at the picture. And the words in your piece, the words...domestic violence...which is what the picture's saying, which is what the words are reflecting...get it? I see it as over load.
    To me, you don't have to say the words domestic violence at all, it's already insinuated by your good descriptions. I don't know,
    I think there's something nice in not saying the words, when all the signs lead you there anyway.

    This was a good tale with a twist.
    Great read.


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  9. #9
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    Re: Domestic Lies

    Quote Originally Posted by Emily View Post
    the woman is a brainsick fruitcake, manipulative and unsound..
    surely that's all women... at least the ones I've met
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