Transformation

[Fatrick Swayze]

Boulders to pebbles smearing dirt in the sky
In the coldest of weathers freezing dry
I stood among the waves swimming along the sands
Pin needle heart lost in the grains.
Skin deep soul soaking up the stains.
I said stay among the shadows, that's when your the brightest
Between the cracks you are a giant.
Among the whispers you can't keep quite, I said.
She said, your just bias.
I stood silent in a statue'd deviance.

Bitter sweet canopies, melancholy forests'
Rotting healthy roots sprouting poison fruit.
She's a devil in a business suit
Sinking teeth through lies until they bleed truth
From queen to peasant
A pawn posing with royal pennant.

[Jukon]

sorry this has been slept on dude. i haven't wanted to feed shit, in a long time, but now i feel guilty about it.

Boulders to pebbles smearing dirt in the sky
In the coldest of weathers freezing dry
i really like the first line, boulders to pebbles was a dope start and really gave
off a lot of great imagery. how something so big can jus go to nothing in an instant.
I stood among the waves swimming along the sands
Pin needle heart lost in the grains.
Skin deep soul soaking up the stains.
i liked the subtle alliteration in the last line here. pin needle heart was a dope image.
I said stay among the shadows, that's when your the brightest
Between the cracks you are a giant.
Among the whispers you can't keep quite, I said.
She said, your just bias.
I stood silent in a statue'd deviance.
a couple things that bothered me with this was just the spelling mistakes, misuses
of 'your' and 'quite' shouldve been quiet. but the wording itself was great.

Bitter sweet canopies, melancholy forests'
Rotting healthy roots sprouting poison fruit.
the 2nd line here is a fuckin tongue twister jus with the different stress' on the words
rotting, roots, sprouting, fruit. it was a cool read though.
She's a devil in a business suit
Sinking teeth through lies until they bleed truth
From queen to peasant
A pawn posing with royal pennant.
overall i liked the evolution of this piece. you brought some good imagery and literary devices, an overall nice drop and i enjoyed it. like i said earlier the only thing that bothered me was the spelling mistakes and that doesnt hinder anything except presentation. good shit fatt

[Emily]

Boulders to pebbles smearing dirt in the sky What a classic first line. The imagery is spectacular.
In the coldest of weathers freezing dry I like the rhyme, and your descriptions are still working well.
I stood among the waves swimming along the sands
Pin needle heart lost in the grains. Great line here.
Skin deep soul soaking up the stains. Fatt, even when you don't rhyme where I think you will, you still make it
work because of the wonderful pictures you give off.
I said stay among the shadows, that's when your the brightest I don't know what song this reminds me of, but it's a lovely line. I think because it's turned so personal, with you talking those magic words. I love this line.
Between the cracks you are a giant. Yeah, that's good. This line makes me stop, reflect, think, it makes me stop.
Among the whispers you can't keep quite, I said.
She said, your just bias. Nice
I stood silent in a statue'd deviance. I can see this. Imagine it. Nice wording again Fatt.

Bitter sweet canopies, melancholy forests' Yesssss, love it. How good is this line?
Rotting healthy roots sprouting poison fruit. Rotting healthy roots sprouting poison fruit. Wow.
She's a devil in a business suit Your reference of the corporate dog eat dog world here is smart, and all because of an outfit.
Sinking teeth through lies until they bleed truth
From queen to peasant
A pawn posing with royal pennant.I like the outro, nice use of language.


Fatt, I read this last night and wanted to feed but I didn't get to, so I'm glad I got around to it today.
I'm sorry this has been slept on, its really good. I love the way you write Fatt. I love it. You're ability to
reach a wide audience is obvious to me, you reach out and touch heart strings. I can hear a heart beat in your written work.
I can sense emotion, the realness of what you say, and that's what I connect to.
I also like the two different sides/opinions/views, I like the conflicting ways you've showed them here.

Beautiful Read.

Thank you.

[143]

I love the juxtaposition in this with the imagery in the first part. You are really setting up the divide in the positioning of then and now. that bias line really wrapped up that to make in relative to what he is currently feeling. Then the second verse defining the process of being on good term to now some type of feeling despising her in the metaphoric images also highlights the current frustrations. This poem was deeply written with some very ingenious word play and imagery. Dope drop man....