The Familiar Stranger

[Nohbody]

There is this woman that I know,

She suffers from a broken heart, alone in her unspoken dark
The growing scars are relics of the hopelessness embarked
She carts her pain and grief in bags that grow under her eyes
As tones of thunder pries itself below the glowing skies
Her cries are heard, they fall against my ears like leaded weights
Head shakes; If this is life, I can't imagine what death waits
My breath breaks, tried to initiate a subtle conversation
Her anger quakes, the bridges built crumble to confrontation
My patience tested, growing lumps in my battered chest
Teeth chatters, my words are too weak to relieve her stress

But there's another woman I know,

Polite & kind hearted, revels in her accomplishments
Makes promises she keeps, their quite the opposites
Level headed soul that loves the world that she astounds
A light surrounding me when only darkness comes around
Glowing gowns and halos anchored just above her head
She smothers me in comfort when I'm shoved under my bed
When life is too complex she gives me answers that I seek
If I need a friend she's there to lift me back up on my feet
She greets me in the morning with a smile that lifts me up
My little gift from heaven, she's my heart, a mother's love

And then there's her. . .

Often ripped apart at the seams, it's like a perverse dream
She loves and hates me in the same flood of parallel streams
Her moods a carousel spinning, two simultaneous directions
A strange infection, when not complaining she's perfection
Misdirected, confusing, she's a mountain of distress
Countless days I've spent surrounded in her mounting stress
Depressed - Happy - Sad, those uncontrollable laughs
An inconsolable soul in times that she's lonely and detached
Latched to the winding wrath of insanity's grinding path
I find myself passing the intersection dodging cracks
It's like she cracked in half, Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
Beauty on the surface of her skin but a monster lives inside
Pretentious stride to help her defeat the beast thats feignin'
Pumping Depakene & Lithium to help release the inner demon
Screaming for God, but good AND evil slowly approached
They live in the same women, and sadly. . . I know them both



http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...hai-(SS15-WK5)
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...My-Name-Is-God

[Emily]

Rhetoric, this was awesome. How good were your descriptions? Friggen beautiful.
You've managed to write about the woman, in bits and pieces that equal a whole. It's the bits and pieces of fractured
personality I love. The good the bad and the ugly. It's all on show. What a great piece you've got here.
Technically, I think you've done well. Your rhymes mesh with the mood and melody of the piece, not over powering
anything at all but adding to it in a subtle way that works with and alongside the imagery you've got going on.
The flow is good. It just had a smoothness to it and line by line it transcended and molded itself into a whole other tale.
This was well written and unique in it's written story line. I've read pieces similar but I can't remember them feeling as
polished as this. The name was a smart choice too, I mean, the title of the piece Familiar Stranger is interesting in itself.

My breath breaks, tried to initiate a subtle conversation
Her anger quakes, the bridges built crumble to confrontation
My patience tested, growing lumps in my battered chest
Teeth chatters, my words are too weak to relieve her stress

A light surrounding me when only darkness comes around
Glowing gowns and halos anchored just above her head
She smothers me in comfort when I'm shoved under my bed

She greets me in the morning with a smile that lifts me up
My little gift from heaven, she's my heart, a mother's love

Often ripped apart at the seams, it's like a perverse dream
She loves and hates me in the same flood of parallel streams
Her moods a carousel spinning, two simultaneous directions
A strange infection, when not complaining she's perfection
Misdirected, confusing, she's a mountain of distress
Countless days I've spent surrounded in her mounting stress
Depressed - Happy - Sad, those uncontrollable laughs

Screaming for God, but good AND evil slowly approached
They live in the same women, and sadly. . . I know them both

Damn rhetoric, that's good. I love all these quotes here. I think you've done a great job with this.
Not cheesy, not put on, not try hard, not fake, just a real essence of a woman and all the sides that come with her.
No doubt there's some ass hole man that's made the poor thing this way LOL jk....sorta lol.
I really like how you wrote her. She's great. You've hit the nail on the head with this one I think.
The only bit I wasn't big on rhetoric was the word 'shoved' in the sentence.....'shoved under her bed.'
For me, the word shove was not the right word to use. I get what you mean though. I just think it seems a bit harsh and
that middle stanza is the softest in a understanding, romantic sense, and the word shove in my opinion, just does't suit the
atmosphere and mood of that stanza. That's the only neg I have lol.
I think my favourite stanza was the last. I think your outro was magnificent.
I think you're a wonderful writer.

This was well written and really enjoyable.

Great Read.

Thank you.

[Nohbody]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...491112-Scarlet

[SELF ACTIVATE]

I think you did a great job describing the ever changing emotional state of women. Such complex and complicated creatures few men truly understand. In my opinion you were able to capture the fractured personality this particule woman possessed in an honest and believable manner. Likewise, you managed to not just provide a narrative, but most importantly, keep the reader entertained the entire length of the verse by incorporating solid technical skills. Your flow was smooth and consistent and your wording was clear and well expressed.

Highlight:

She carts her pain and grief in bags that grow under her eyes
As tones of thunder pries itself below the glowing skies

^The imagery displayed here is really nice, as is the poetic language employed. Also, the wordplay as it relates to emotional baggage was top notch too.

Ultimately

I thought it was a nice drop. Really well written (per usual).

[Prolific Thought]

The amount out imagery is just vivid and profound. The word structure was brilliant and on key. I cant single out anything, everything line is quotable. Theres good talent here at this forum, this piece welcomes me to more surprises...

[cz]

This is beautiful, all I can say is I enjoyed reading it.

"Often ripped apart at the seams, it's like a perverse dream
She loves and hates me in the same flood of parallel streams"