I Stand Lone!

[MC Entropy]

I stand lone in the middle of a river that never came to be.

Where the blood of the future generations rabidly surge

towards the industrial fire of greed and envy. Marked only by

their forefathers rage and vulgarity. They are trapped in a

state of mind where the fictitious demon of race holds the key

to an individual's freedom. Judged not on the content of their

character in which they lived their lives. But the color of

their skin or what substances they used. This is where the

voices of the fallen and forgotten are gagged and bound.

Tortured until their hearts turn stone cold. But whether one

comes from the riches of his or hers own success, or the

poverty in which they feel they can never escape. Death still

marks the end for them all.

[Ctrl Alt Elite]

A good piece with a lot of meaning let down only by occasional iffy wording.

I stand lone in the middle of a river that never came to be.

Where the blood of the future generations rabidly surge

towards the industrial fire of greed and envy. Marked only by

their forefathers rage and vulgarity. They are trapped in a
Nicely written section here. I like the imagery in an "industrial fire of greed and envy" - A very nice line in a very anti-capitalism piece. The only bit I wasn't keen on was "rabidly surge"... I feel like rabidly didn't work... I know what you mean.. it's uncontrollable, unnatural... and i understand that "rapidly" might have felt too cliché... I'm just not sure rabid was the best choice... That said, I can't think of another replacement so perhaps i'm too picky!

state of mind where the fictitious demon of race holds the key

to an individual's freedom. Judged not on the content of their

character in which they lived their lives. But the color of

their skin or what substances they used.
This was nice... I always like when race is referred to as superficial... a "fictitious demon" is a fantastic description... Unfortunately the next line about content of character in which they lived their lives is a bit choppy for me and doesn't really work for me. Again I know what you're saying, but I felt it could have been said better. The biggest issue for me here is that you've switched from present to past tense, and the next lines go back to present tense. Despite this, the meaning is clear and I liked everything you said

This is where the

voices of the fallen and forgotten are gagged and bound.

Tortured until their hearts turn stone cold. But whether one

comes from the riches of his or hers own success, or the

poverty in which they feel they can never escape. Death still

marks the end for them all.

I love the last few lines here... very dark, very true. The old idea that regardless of your achievements in life we all turn out the same. Reminiscent of the great Shakespeare lines surrounding "Alas poor Yorick"... The ending is the best part of this piece in terms of wording as their isn't much for me to pick at... It's a very solid end to a really enjoyable read.

Sorry if I seem picky, I like to try and give constructive criticism to everybody, and I often pick out things that others might ignore just because if I were writing it I would want others to do the same so I can write a better piece next time.

On the whole, I really enjoyed this. I love pessimistic poetry... Poetry has the capacity to make depressing subject matters beautiful, and you achieved that here. Well done.

[Rock girl]

Impressive! full of strong words.
deeply feelings.

[Emily]

Hi MC Entropy, nice piece, thanks for dropping. Lets do it.


I stand lone in the middle of a river that never came to be.
I like your intro line. It's got strength about it. It's intriguing.

Where the blood of the future generations rabidly surge
Probably could have done without the word 'the', nit picky bs on my behalf, and nothing more than that.
I like what you're saying here. I respect how the idea of one person reflects the ideology of a lot of people.
towards the industrial fire of greed and envy. Marked only by
The industrial fire of greed and envy line is great. Well said. Simple and true.
And it is a fire, and it's on a huge scale. And it's burning people's will to live, right to the ground.
their forefathers rage and vulgarity. They are trapped in a
Nice touch showing it's history's fault that the rage and vulgarity continue. Lead by example. And they did.
What a friggen shit example they left for us.

state of mind where the fictitious demon of race holds the key
This is probably my favourite line. It's a beautiful line. 'Fictitious demon of race' is stunningly put. Well done.
And the meaning behind this sentence is hits me hard. I like a lot.

to an individual's freedom. Judged not on the content of their
character in which they lived their lives. But the color of
their skin or what substances they used. This is where the
Yep. So true. Well said. Judged by others who falsely feel they
are superior.

voices of the fallen and forgotten are gagged and bound.
Tortured until their hearts turn stone cold. But whether one
comes from the riches of his or hers own success, or the
poverty in which they feel they can never escape. Death still
marks the end for them all.
'Voices of the fallen and forgotten' pulls at heart strings.
There's a haunting, eerie vibe to that sentence, and so there
should be. It's a haunting, errie reality.

Just want to touch on this bit:

Tortured until their hearts turn stone cold. But whether one
comes from the riches of his or hers own success, or the
poverty in which they feel they can never escape. Death still
marks the end for them all.

Because you've used the word 'whether' you're going to need a comma
after the word escape so the word Death still flows onto that sentence.
That's if I've read that right. Also, a small typo with the word hers.
No biggie. I won't talk about tenses because I see that's been covered.

Ok, you know, I think you wrote a really deep, meaningful piece here.
I think you've got a great grasp of poetic tone, you've picked your words well and
created an atmosphere of doom and gloom and it shows. Sometimes it seems that
your pace is a tad uneven. The reason I'm saying that is because I get this streamline nature
about this work and then some small thing reminds me that I'm reading. I'm not sure if it's a typo,
or if it's a word that's a bit abrupt, I'm not sure. But it's sooooooooo small this thing I'm talking about,
it's not a big thing. I think just a little smoother transition in one or two places, that's it.
I mean, I feel bad just even saying that. But the melody was there, and then suddenly, it would break a bit.
If you know what I mean. But overall, this was a well written piece and a pleasure to read and feed.
I hope you drop more poetry because your talent is obvious.

Great Read.

Thank you.