Sleep Walker

[Soule]

Sleepless nights with a dreamless vice,
am I unconscious when the demons rise?
My kingdom strikes the legions down,
one eye open as my freedom's found.
Reason's bound as the boat sets to sink,
hopeless at sea, Moby shows his teeth.
Blowing debris through the raging storm,
am I raising swords or embracing the lord?
Tasting the warmth of blood as I drink,
my lust sings; succumb to eternity.
The serpent's needs clutch my throat,
a loveless stroll brings me a touch of woe.
To judge my soul, one would need to see
what it means to be a seed of catastrophe.
Beneath beliefs, I watch through a telescope,
at a moon that envelopes a blue antidote.
Swoon from episodes of corrosive waves,
explosive waste with osmosis plagues.
A devoted faith as I listen to the machine beeps,
as caffeine seeps through foreseen arteries.
Hoping the vaccine reached my mother's heart
before another star falls from a cluster afar.
She's suffered with scars, I wish this was a dream,
fists clench the sheets as she welcomes peace.
I seldom grieve... but this is an anthology of sonder,
try to understand the pain of a sleep walker.

- - - Updated - - -

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...*&goto=newpost

- - - Updated - - -

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...?491451-Damian

[Flyest_M]

I liked the usage of words

Fav piece

The serpent's needs clutch my throat,
a loveless stroll brings me a touch of woe.
To judge my soul, one would need to see
what it means to be a seed of catastrophe.

Keep it up

[.SiQ.]

This was dope bro, nice vocab & multis - keep it up!

[KnowP]

Sleepless nights with a dreamless vice,
am I unconscious when the demons rise?
My kingdom strikes the legions down,
one eye open as my freedom's found.
Reason's bound as the boat sets to sink,
hopeless at sea, Moby shows his teeth.
Strong beginning and rhyme scheme is on point!!


Swoon from episodes of corrosive waves,
explosive waste with osmosis plagues.
ohh yeah, this part is lit af. good bars here.


Overall this was a really good read and I felt it from the top to the bottom. Ending coulda been a lot crisper. Maybe left us in suspense a little or brought a harsher climax, a twist at the end if you will. Never the less. I really liked this piece. sparked some emotions within my past. Very relatable. Nothing really to criticize here except a few broken multi's but it still flowed very well. Good stuff man.

[OG Maestro]

This might be worth a HOF nomination if you take those internal rhymes out and take your time with each line fleshing out something bigger than this. I feel like your rhyme schemes hindered your overall progression with this verse. Most parts felt like I was reading a line designed to rhyme with another line, which isn't terrible but it draws away from the message(s) you may have wanted to bring across to the reader. This is my piece of advice I give you, and everything else I'd say would be praising your flow and your rhyme schemes. Neat drop

[Also Known As]

This was a maaaaaaad deep piece. I REALLY dug the flow patterns, and how the progressed. The imagery was spot on. You made it feel like we were in the story. That's always great through text. I'd give this piece an 8/10, easy. Great job here man!

[Manc Sinatra]

Sleepless nights with a dreamless vice,
am I unconscious when the demons rise?
My kingdom strikes the legions down,
one eye open as my freedom's found.

Ok ok, flow's nice and fluid and on point, nice to see this in a text drop tbh. I'm spittin this over a hard ass beat I made a couple of weeks ago, shit works nice with a slower trap delivery though obviously the content is beyond that style normally. Rhymes are smooth and coherent, good start

Reason's bound as the boat sets to sink,
hopeless at sea, Moby shows his teeth.
Blowing debris through the raging storm,
am I raising swords or embracing the lord?

continuing with the nice flow, some decent internals and transitional schemes at play. Kinda feels like a metaphoric flex piece, I like the last bar especially, nice concept there

Tasting the warmth of blood as I drink,
my lust sings; succumb to eternity.
The serpent's needs clutch my throat,
a loveless stroll brings me a touch of woe.

schemes here not quite as slick as the earlier bars, it's still nice but you lose a little fluidity here. Don't just focus on whether the sylabbles rhyme, also consider where the stresses are and you'll maintain that fluidity you have earlier and later in the verse. The imagery itself is nice, nothing mind-blowing but it's doing the trick

To judge my soul, one would need to see
what it means to be a seed of catastrophe.
Beneath beliefs, I watch through a telescope,
at a moon that envelopes a blue antidote.

this was cool, I think because of the way you write I'm expecting a lot longer multi things than you're showing but that's my own issue more than anything wrong with the drop. Its a nice easy spit though, nothing out of place and it works together as a coherent "whole" for me.

Swoon from episodes of corrosive waves,
explosive waste with osmosis plagues.
A devoted faith as I listen to the machine beeps,
as caffeine seeps through foreseen arteries.

in some ways you kinda remind me a little of Jus Allah in the way you place your schemes, switching between a multie orientated flow and a more static end-rhyme. It's nice, I think i'd like to see some more rhythmic meandering at play but again that's a taste thing and I'm very much a "flow" head. The corrosive waves/osmosis plagues rhyme is dope

Hoping the vaccine reached my mother's heart
before another star falls from a cluster afar.
She's suffered with scars, I wish this was a dream,
fists clench the sheets as she welcomes peace.
I seldom grieve... but this is an anthology of sonder,
try to understand the pain of a sleep walker.

[b]again, solid flow, nice imagery, nothing mind blowing solid throughout. A little tip from a delivery perspective you might use: If you listen to music (especially rap music) and it isn't jazz or technical metal you should find that the majority of it is structured in groups of 4's, 4 beats in a bar (1 bar is a line in musical terms) and also 4 bars in a chord progression more often than 2. You'll find the majority of stuff out there works on a 4 bar, 8 bar, 12 bar or 16 bar turnaround, most often in rap you'll hear a 4 bar loop repeated 4 times throughout a verse (16 bars.) Sounds like I'm just going off on one, but from birth we're hearing music formulated this way and our minds/ears get conditioned to listen to that naturally. If you structure your verses to end in multiples of 4 rather than 2, you'll find that the pacing in your delivery will "read better" and certainly play better over music. If you look at my own work I even do my schemes over a 4-bar progression rather than a couplet, in fact the majority of "pengame" acapella battlers even use a 4 bar progression to their punches more than a 1-2 style these days because it's paced so much better for our conditioned minds to absorb. (and 1-2 style was dated before the mid-90's tbh haha.) I feel like you played it safe a little here, this seems like it's your line and you sit well in it. That's not at all a criticism of the piece, it's solid from top to bottom, however I'd like to see you push more boundaries, this seems conservative despite the skill level. Stay up.

[thatdudeB]

I liked this part the most

Sleepless nights with a dreamless vice,
am I unconscious when the demons rise?
My kingdom strikes the legions down,
one eye open as my freedom's found.
Reason's bound as the boat sets to sink,
hopeless at sea, Moby shows his teeth.
Blowing debris through the raging storm,
am I raising swords or embracing the lord?
Tasting the warmth of blood as I drink,
my lust sings; succumb to eternity.

Everything was on point to me and that osmosis plague line was nice to. Even when the topic changed for me. That was good too, even if it was unexpected for me. I liked your vocab/imagery the most. Also flowed well to me. Good work

[Van Gogh]

Short and sweet. Nothing exceptional, but this is what I'd call slightly above average. Overall it is good writing. Nice rhythm too, it's nice reading a verse with an attention to lyric-cadence/pacing.