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Thread: As The Raven Flies

  1. #1
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    As The Raven Flies

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...4-Love-s-Blind
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...tbreak-Warfare

    I'm not really a text dude tbh but i figured I'd post the lyrics to a track I made a few months back so people can see where my pengame's actually at instead of the little keystyles I'm more likely to post regularly. I'll probably have the link to my tracks in my sig so if people are interested after reading and struggle with the flow (i'm British so my accent's weird for some) then head over there to check it out I guess.

    you know when I was young, I never contemplated Jesus
    i'd smoke a joint at break and sit there mocking all my teachers
    a weakness, my uniqueness simply brought me to distraction
    i was clever, dressed in leather, never thought about my actions
    I was cold, I didn't give a shit, a kid who lived fa hittin spliffs
    resisted ever thinking that a kingdom was as big as his
    or hers, I'm not sure yet, don't know all of the secrets
    so i read the dreams of older blokes who wrote a holy thesis
    now I'm seeking the divine, in lines of any ancient text
    to find elation at the beating of the faith within my chest
    i'm steady searching for a sign but nuttin' whistles in the wind
    is that a whisper of a king behind the verses in my mind?
    and is that figure sickened with the lack of mercy of the times?
    or are we dust within the storm just born of earthly cess and grime?
    do we owe our very being to the very beings in my many dreams?
    is there life behind the screens we'll never see in any memes?

    I wake up, wipe the tiredness from my eyelids, as I yawn
    I see a new universe manifesting in the rising of the dawn
    inside the violence of the storms, a silent island's crust is formed
    the mountains rising from the sea to find a vibrant brush is spawned
    across the land-scape, and the man-apes point their fingers to the sky
    with smiles surprised to find the fiery light that's singing all their eyes
    so are we tyrants by design, or simply victims of our crimes?
    is God legit, or is there simply something missin from our lives?
    is the shit within the scriptures simply fiction? is there wisdom?
    is the notion of a soul a twisted glitching of the system?
    is our focus on the gold an illness, sickness or condition?
    are we crazy in our nature? did we flip our lids in "isms?"
    was it prisms, schisms, rhythms, trips or visions of religion
    that delivered me the gift of spittin lyrics with precision?
    does a spirit slip within my little tricks of witty wisdom?
    or am i sick because i learn the words and spit'm with conviction?

    so now I'm older, I might take a peek at Jesus
    to see if i'm reflected in the depth beneath his features
    i need this, but i'm open to suggestions to believe in
    even dreamers need to feel'n see the realness through the textbooks and the
    schemin, i'm still reeling from deceptions of the demons
    they broke me, now i'm hopin for an exodus to Eden
    but mostly i'm just moping through the texts of blokes with reason
    to find a life of pride that hides inside my empathy and feelings
    should I try'n fight my spite in-spite of everything I've seen?
    and should a guy inclined to try, be pious, restful and serene?
    or is it all about the thoughts'n doubts? be spiritual or devout?
    are we prayin every day or is he sick of dudes just callin out?
    i like to think that we're just many players on a stage, and
    every, hatred, pain and disarray's just fake for entertainment
    i'll make a play of every day and aim for greatness and elation
    when it comes to me and God I'd say "we came to an arrangement"

    https://soundcloud.com/mancsinatra/as-the-raven-flies
    Last edited by Manc Sinatra; August 2nd, 2016 at 02:29 PM

  2. #2
    Soule
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    Bro! This was MILES heavier than the other piece lol. So I see what you mean by that was being a quick written. Loved this. Flow was on point and remained consistent the entire time. I'm Irish-American so I don't really have an accent unless I try lol so reading the UK dialect was fun as hell for me to do. The material here was pretty relatable and I liked the natural approach here. Overall a really good read. Can't wait to hear your audio.

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    re: ^^^^^ '...reading UK dialect was fun as hell for me to do...' ?????????? how's it differ from any other english language, unless there's slang involved.
    lol
    @Cracka , you should chuck that song in the audio section, nice track.
    Smooth delivery.

    I'll come edit feed in here soon.


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  4. #4
    Revolution II OG Maestro's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    @Cracka

    Yo, I wanna talk to my friend. This is extremely impressive for someone who just joined this website. Idk if you have been here before or you have experience writing for a number of years(probably so) but regardless this is pretty damn good. I personally do not like some of these word choices, like this:
    i like to think that we're just many players on a stage, and
    every, hatred, pain and disarray's just fake for entertainment
    Me, I wouldn't have left "...on a stage, and" to be the rhyme scheme that sets up "entertainment", but the way some of you British guys stress that "ment" would almost sound like "menn" which is a great slant rhyme for "and" since you guys would say it like, "ann".
    Idk man, maybe I'm digging too deep into a culture I don't know. I've never been to Britain, but I imagine that's how yall would say it. But, regardless of my preferences for how I'd set up my rhyme schemes and word choices, this was respectable. I'd say this is above average and it's competitive-level writing.

    I wake up, wipe the tiredness from my eyelids, as I yawn
    I see a new universe manifesting in the rising of the dawn
    inside the violence of the storms, a silent island's crust is formed
    the mountains rising from the sea to find a vibrant brush is spawned
    across the land-scape, and the man-apes point their fingers to the sky
    with smiles surprised to find the fiery light that's singing all their eyes
    so are we tyrants by design, or simply victims of our crimes?
    is God legit, or is there simply something missin from our lives?
    is the shit within the scriptures simply fiction? is there wisdom?
    is the notion of a soul a twisted glitching of the system?
    is our focus on the gold an illness, sickness or condition?
    are we crazy in our nature? did we flip our lids in "isms?"
    was it prisms, schisms, rhythms, trips or visions of religion
    that delivered me the gift of spittin lyrics with precision?
    does a spirit slip within my little tricks of witty wisdom?
    or am i sick because i learn the words and spit'm with conviction?
    ^That right there. pure crack, no pun intended.

    Overall:
    The rhythm is consistently good, the rhyme schemes are very good, the idea-progression going on here is a bit slower than I like but I think every line is worth the time to read; however, if I critically judged the content as a whole...I'd say that there is good wriitng in it, but there is a few portions of this verse that don't REALLY need to be there. I wouldn't say you have 'filler' but some of it might sound good but could be improved to give this a stronger linear message.
    But yo, this feedback isn't even a big deal. What's crazy is that these are SONG LYRICS. I think THAT'S impressive by itself; that you managed to cram all this lyricism into a track.

    This is truly something that I think would be considered some good ass spoken word. I think @oatmeal would appreciate this verse.(a veteran writer here) But yeah, thanks for sharing this.

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  5. #5
    Godwasheeeeeeeeeeeeere
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    I thought this piece was really dope, flow was nice especially when you take in consideration accent then it was on point.


    so now I'm older, I might take a peek at Jesus
    to see if i'm reflected in the depth beneath his features
    i need this, but i'm open to suggestions to believe in
    even dreamers need to feel'n see the realness through the textbooks and the
    schemin, i'm still reeling from deceptions of the demons
    they broke me, now i'm hopin for an exodus to Eden
    but mostly i'm just moping through the texts of blokes with reason


    that hsit was ridiculous as fuck man, realllyyy nice and my favorite part of the piece

    keep dropping these

  6. #6
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    Thanks for the feed, appreciated from all.

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  7. #7
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    Cracka, love that hook. The intro - talking bit - also, carries a great atmosphere about it, the voice is unreal.
    Now onto your delivery, this isn't the audio section but who cares? Since I've got the music and lyrics here, I'll drop
    some ideas. I like your delivery. It's smooth, quick pace isn't too overwhelming, in fact, I find it catchy and quite addictive.
    The uniform pattern of bouncing words is spot on, melodically falling into line like dominoes ready to fall. I really like your delivery.
    Accent wise, yours isn't much different from my own (aussie) so to hear someone rap with an accent other than american, is refreshing
    (when the person really isn't american).
    Listening to Mimic spit is great too. Some rappers I know, TRY to give up their accent in order to sound more american, and that
    gets on my nerves, cause you know at some point, the effort will drop, so it's nice to see you being true to yourself and giving us the whole
    you, instead of part of you.

    you know when I was young, I never contemplated Jesus
    i'd smoke a joint at break and sit there mocking all my teachers
    a weakness, my uniqueness simply brought me to distraction
    i was clever, dressed in leather, never thought about my actions
    Great intro. I like that you've anchored your story in a place and time, because that setting is clear to visualise.
    Your setting helps the character and atmosphere and it gives the audience a critical sense of place and time,
    Establishing that early on is great because you're not keeping the reader in the dark. Instead, you've brought the reader
    along for the ride, and on good rides, we ride your high.

    now I'm seeking the divine, in lines of any ancient text
    to find elation at the beating of the faith within my chest
    Flow wise...lovely. The rhythm is obvious. The rymes are sweet. Natural. Effortless. Organic.
    And I think what's really important too is that descriptions don't overwhelm.
    You paint your image with few strokes and don't cram as much as you possibly can into it.
    Like I said, it's important to not overwhelm the reader with excess and filler and you've not done that,
    and with a piece this long, hats off to you.

    so now I'm older, I might take a peek at Jesus
    to see if i'm reflected in the depth beneath his features
    i need this, but i'm open to suggestions to believe in
    even dreamers need to feel'n see the realness through the textbooks and the
    schemin, i'm still reeling from deceptions of the demons
    they broke me, now i'm hopin for an exodus to Eden
    but mostly i'm just moping through the texts of blokes with reason
    to find a life of pride that hides inside my empathy and feelings
    Some might talk about syllable counts and decide that you're a certain number out on line four, for example.
    To each their own of course, but to me, this means jack. It's all in the delivery of the piece, and when I read
    this back, I hear no stagnation of voice, no hic-ups, no unnecessary pauses or skips, for me, it all fits really well.
    So I guess at the end of the day it all depends not only on the written work but also on how the reader, reads it back.
    I thought your rhymes here in this piece were exceptional. Great flow, cool rhymes, nice honest voice.

    i like to think that we're just many players on a stage, and
    every, hatred, pain and disarray's just fake for entertainment
    i'll make a play of every day and aim for greatness and elation
    when it comes to me and God I'd say "we came to an arrangement"
    Nice way to go out. The last moment of a story stays in the readers mind. And there's no turning back, so to have a strong outro is really important imo. Technically, your ending began wonderfully, and continued till it reached a peak.
    I love that you've set up this internal conflict and that final pivot is the resolution.

    You're got a very nice talent.
    Good to have you dropping in om and in audio.

    Looking forward to reading/hearing more from you, Cracka.


    Great Read.
    Last edited by Emily; August 4th, 2016 at 01:56 AM


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  8. #8
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    Thanks for the feed everyone. I'm working on a mess of shit at the moment but I'll be sure to return the favour to everyone as and when I get the chance.

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  9. #9

    Re: As The Raven Flies

    My dude..The flow on this is pretty much impeccable. You killed it with this shit.

    you know when I was young, I never contemplated Jesus
    i'd smoke a joint at break and sit there mocking all my teachers
    a weakness, my uniqueness simply brought me to distraction
    i was clever, dressed in leather, never thought about my actions
    I was cold, I didn't give a shit, a kid who lived fa hittin spliffs
    resisted ever thinking that a kingdom was as big as his"---I can relate to everything in this section. I was the same way. Except the wearing leather part. I never was that high I wore leather lol

    "do we owe our very being to the very beings in my many dreams?
    is there life behind the screens we'll never see in any memes?--haha that was slick as fuck. Really well played right there. I know you patted yourself on the back after writing that one.

    "
    I wake up, wipe the tiredness from my eyelids, as I yawn
    I see a new universe manifesting in the rising of the dawn
    inside the violence of the storms, a silent island's crust is formed
    the mountains rising from the sea to find a vibrant brush is spawned
    across the land-scape, and the man-apes point their fingers to the sky
    with smiles surprised to find the fiery light that's singing all their eyes
    so are we tyrants by design, or simply victims of our crimes?
    is God legit, or is there simply something missin from our lives?---whaaaattt. Flow is impeccable and the picture you painted in my head was insane. The way you connected that last line was fucking beautiful. I love content that makes me think like this. Like when I read something and have to sit back grin and think about what ya just said...yeah thats my type of shit.

    " should I try'n fight my spite in-spite of everything I've seen?
    and should a guy inclined to try, be pious, restful and serene?
    or is it all about the thoughts'n doubts? be spiritual or devout?
    are we prayin every day or is he sick of dudes just callin out?
    i like to think that we're just many players on a stage, and
    every, hatred, pain and disarray's just fake for entertainment
    i'll make a play of every day and aim for greatness and elation
    when it comes to me and God I'd say "we came to an arrangement"---great writing. Altho the god thing I have weird beliefs/non beliefs...I know you have the same so I can relate to this shit a lot. the way you portrayed it with the enterainment aspect was def something That made me smile when I read it. Great work homie and sorry for the long over die feed.

  10. #10
    Brian! Welcome to WalMart
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    I enjoyed it, better then most of what I'm capable of.

    To me the first verse was my least favorite. But the flow was good in it. And it didn't really drag, even though some of it wasn't really directing, or something; IDK, I suck with words. - To me the second verse was the best, and kept me entertained for alomost beginning to end. And the third was like a mix of the first two verses to me. Can tell you're not new to writing. Good stuff in the end.

  11. #11

    Re: As The Raven Flies

    @Manc Sinatra
    I am not a troll... but I wanted to tell you that this verse is exceptionally better than your last I read. This is clearly above average writing...it feels more genuine this time around. This is inconsistent in its level of writing...but the second paragraph is clearly of a good caliber...that is undeniable. The first paragraph is shaky with flow... and lazy with how precise the rhyme and schemes are done. The third paragraph is good...but there is a clear difference in quality from second to third...a gap, if you will. But I think this is good Manc Sinatra, I hope you realize I am genuine in my reviews and that my opinion is...my opinion. Also...if you quote me in your own thread to talk...I will not reply...

  12. #12
    steel cut oatmeal's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    hmmm

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  13. #13
    Coal to the furnace Cody Phoenix's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    http://www.lyricalassault.co.uk/foru....asp?tid=39406


    ??????

    - - - Updated - - -

    did you bite that dudes written and record it?

    - - - Updated - - -

    "I'm not really a text dude tbh but i figured I'd post the lyrics to a track I made a few months back so people can see where my pengame's actually at instead of the little keystyles I'm more likely to post regularly. I'll probably have the link to my tracks in my sig so if people are interested after reading and struggle with the flow (i'm British so my accent's weird for some) then head over there to check it out I guess"
    @_Lyrics dawg is biting a text drop from LA saying he wrote the shit months ago. OP was from 2007...

    - - - Updated - - -

    Alright I looked into it.. Sorry I called bullshit at first. I loved this piece fammo, sorry I accused you of biting. This was well written and I love the lyricism, dead ass. Hit me up if you ever drop more audio, we can collab and drop a nice track. I'll feed this properly later today, maybe a breakdown.
    I'm a depressed happy cunt. Don't fuck with me. I love you, but I'm crazy.[/I]


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  14. #14
    FUCK YOU! Spree's Avatar
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    Re: As The Raven Flies

    They the same person....I know him

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