Natural Order

[OG Maestro]

A renegade solider kicked a Chimpanzee -- it slammed to the ground
"filthy fuckin' animal", he said. MG4, EMP-bound, standing around
Desert camouflage: the oxymoron of his military intelligence
An embellishment of his pride with cobalt blends of metal tints
Lit blunt, between teeth. OG Kush rolled -- tucked in underneath
That Wildfire; he dropped it. the flame struck another leaf
He started pacing forward, into his destination: a country of smoke
With the tension in the air, it's like everybody wants you to choke
His final target was in a South African village, its last politician
Different ideology lead to him assuming a mass of opposition,
Against the rich companies ahead of it all, building their walls,
With the slate of primitive laws, commandments, & systems of flaws
He stood in a room of computer monitors, advance with surveillance
The hills have eyes, silent with cannons, tasked for assailants
He was half man, half machine. Symmetry: bilateral & brazen
His matter was amazing, a titan ready for any tactical invasion
Enough pressure on his mind to leave bullet shells & pebbles split
He could carve limestone & diamond rock against his leather fists
He saw the renegade solider & fired homing missiles;
They streamed through the sky
The renegade tossed up a lone solar flare, the whistles-
Had the sound if a demon could cry
An inferno of nuclear fission lit the tips, the crown of the trees,
A single Osprey had fallen with a damaged wing, around the debris
The political machine ran out of the room & propelled up to fly
And a crimson laser began shining with the form of Hell in his eye
The renegade pulled out his MG4 to send rounds; gaseous depressants
But, the politician quickly disengaged it in the fraction of seconds
Then he landed on the ground to get the renegade's last death-wish
The renegade hid behind a rock & pulled the EMP out & he prepped it
This was for his ancestors, damned & rejected; abandoned & neglected
To slay the machine that man made? was a demand that was respected
The politician grabbed him at his neck, his cold palms reached,
To take it and break it --....But then the EMP's bomb released
& the same second it exploded his neck was broken, his spine,
Shifted in slow motion inside. & reality seemed frozen with time
The renegade's body started to fade, the blast shot him into vapor
Metallic remnants of the machine rested at the bottom of a crater
The renegade & the political machine both died; a scene chalked in grey
The dust settled, the Chimpanzee saw them both, shook its head,
And then walked away.

24.
Architexts.
SlaughterGang.
#theChimpanzeerepresentsthehumanrace'sformerself.
Shoutout to Dagel.
We outchea.

[OG Maestro]

Recent Work:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...tbreak-Warfare (HOF nominated)

Links:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?491393-143-5 (Poetic vibes)
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...od-amp-Bondage (Brave and dramatic storytelling)

[Nigma]

You're crazy man. Been awhile since I've read a verse from you and this had your signature all over it from the very first bar. I felt your scheme was wordy and the end rhymes weren't as 'catchy'(?) as they could have been in the intro section but your descriptive imagery packed it was substance I enjoyed the allegorical extended metaphor which served as the backbone of this narrative. The story itself was always well presented, even including a cherry on top with the poetic chimpanzee cameos. Very well rounded verse that had a bit of everything, even a quaint statement on society.

[JEM.]

Look...

A renegade solider kicked a Chimpanzee -- it slammed to the ground
"filthy fuckin' animal", he said. MG4, EMP-bound, standing around
Desert camouflage: the oxymoron of his military intelligence
An embellishment of his pride with cobalt blends of metal tints
Lit blunt, between teeth. OG Kush rolled -- tucked in underneath
That Wildfire; he dropped it. the flame struck another leaf
He started pacing forward, into his destination: a country of smoke
With the tension in the air, it's like everybody wants you to choke
His final target was in a South African village, its last politician
Different ideology lead to him assuming a mass of opposition,
Against the rich companies ahead of it all, building their walls,
With the slate of primitive laws, commandments, & systems of flaws
He stood in a room of computer monitors, advance with surveillance
The hills have eyes, silent with cannons, tasked for assailants

Amazing.

Overall? Holy parallels.. This might seem like a short feedback post... but simply said.. perfect. Absolutely nothing could make this better. You own your tone. I read the first few lines, and decided to download to read for after a meeting... Great decision.

[OG Maestro]

@A Disciple

This is Professor Frost by the way. If you remember me
This my latest piece I pulled up on the site

[OG Maestro]

You're crazy man. Been awhile since I've read a verse from you and this had your signature all over it from the very first bar. I felt your scheme was wordy and the end rhymes weren't as 'catchy'(?) as they could have been in the intro section but your descriptive imagery packed it was substance I enjoyed the allegorical extended metaphor which served as the backbone of this narrative. The story itself was always well presented, even including a cherry on top with the poetic chimpanzee cameos. Very well rounded verse that had a bit of everything, even a quaint statement on society.

This was spot on, just perfect. Thank you for this extremely accurate feedback.

Look...

A renegade solider kicked a Chimpanzee -- it slammed to the ground
"filthy fuckin' animal", he said. MG4, EMP-bound, standing around
Desert camouflage: the oxymoron of his military intelligence
An embellishment of his pride with cobalt blends of metal tints
Lit blunt, between teeth. OG Kush rolled -- tucked in underneath
That Wildfire; he dropped it. the flame struck another leaf
He started pacing forward, into his destination: a country of smoke
With the tension in the air, it's like everybody wants you to choke
His final target was in a South African village, its last politician
Different ideology lead to him assuming a mass of opposition,
Against the rich companies ahead of it all, building their walls,
With the slate of primitive laws, commandments, & systems of flaws
He stood in a room of computer monitors, advance with surveillance
The hills have eyes, silent with cannons, tasked for assailants

Amazing.

Overall? Holy parallels.. This might seem like a short feedback post... but simply said.. perfect. Absolutely nothing could make this better. You own your tone. I read the first few lines, and decided to download to read for after a meeting... Great decision.

Thanks for reading Boston, the love is appreciated man.

[Manc Sinatra]

Ok so I owe you some feed. I gotta give you the caveat that I'ma evaluate it as a rapper not a pure text head, so for me rhythm and flow etc are in fact more important than multies etc. Don't be offended, I just come from a time and scene where "text" is just "rap lyrics" and I can't change my tired old ways lol. Anyways on to the feed:

A renegade solider kicked a Chimpanzee -- it slammed to the ground
"filthy fuckin' animal", he said. MG4, EMP-bound, standing around
Desert camouflage: the oxymoron of his military intelligence
An embellishment of his pride with cobalt blends of metal tints

first thing that stands out to me is you're writing in multiple time signatures, your first bar is 5/4 then 6/4 then you slide into a regular 4/4 on the final two. For me that makes the flow in the first 2 a little awkward and lacking fluidity. I find the "MG4, EMP-bound" particularly clumsy. I like your rhyme schemes, nothing overly flashy but showing a high level of skill. The flow in the last two bars is great, stresses in all the right places and I love the poetic tone in the final bar especially

Lit blunt, between teeth. OG Kush rolled -- tucked in underneath
That Wildfire; he dropped it. the flame struck another leaf
He started pacing forward, into his destination: a country of smoke
With the tension in the air, it's like everybody wants you to choke

again time signature wise the 1st bar is overly long, some power wording throughout this piece to smooth out that flow would really send this over the edge from a "good" piece to an "excellent" one for me. I like the narrative, bringing the story on nicely and some great use of imagery to keep the reader/listener gripped. The slant rhymes are dope too, I slant a lot myself so it's nice to see people thinking about how words "sound" more than how they look

His final target was in a South African village, its last politician
Different ideology lead to him assuming a mass of opposition,
Against the rich companies ahead of it all, building their walls,
With the slate of primitive laws, commandments, & systems of flaws

this is nicer flow wise, I think if you took out "was" from the first bar it'd be pretty buttery. Picked up your schemes a little more, bringing the internals in to add more movement which is always nice. You write with an easy confidence and it adds charisma to the bars. Some places could be more fluid, but definitely showing some skill

He stood in a room of computer monitors, advance with surveillance
The hills have eyes, silent with cannons, tasked for assailants
He was half man, half machine. Symmetry: bilateral & brazen
His matter was amazing, a titan ready for any tactical invasion

I've said enough about the wonky time signatures now I think. I like your schemes here, reminds me of some underground flows I heard around 03-05 ish, nice end rhymes and clever syllable work. You paint the scene effectively without being overly descriptive, maintaining that balance can be tough but you do it well. I'd be interested to hear you actually spit some of this work if I'm honest

Enough pressure on his mind to leave bullet shells & pebbles split
He could carve limestone & diamond rock against his leather fists
He saw the renegade solider & fired homing missiles;
They streamed through the sky
The renegade tossed up a lone solar flare, the whistles-
Had the sound if a demon could cry

for me I wasn't feeling this section as much if I'm honest, the first couplet was phenomenal, but the drop rhyme thing doesn't work as well for me as a rapper as I'm sure it does in a more text-orientated scene. For me it killed a lot of the momentum of the verse and lost my interest a little. I spit everything I feed so I can nail it down and in either an English or American accent I can't for the life of me make this work. The content itself is solid, the delivery for me was a little lacking and didn't flow near as fluid as I like

An inferno of nuclear fission lit the tips, the crown of the trees,
A single Osprey had fallen with a damaged wing, around the debris
The political machine ran out of the room & propelled up to fly
And a crimson laser began shining with the form of Hell in his eye

this was a nice little section, you strike me as someone who writes well in prose form, if so feel free to send me some work I'm always into reading new stuff. I love the ideas/concepts you're presenting throughout and when you're in your zone you command the scene like someone who's been doing this a while I'd hazard

The renegade pulled out his MG4 to send rounds; gaseous depressants
But, the politician quickly disengaged it in the fraction of seconds
Then he landed on the ground to get the renegade's last death-wish
The renegade hid behind a rock & pulled the EMP out & he prepped it

building the action now, this is solid work still. My only real critique here beyond some of the wording fluidity wise is the re-use of "renegade" I think, no actually I know you're better than that tbh. Sometimes repetition for effect is great but for me a synonym would've worked nicer and polished off some already solid bars

This was for his ancestors, damned & rejected; abandoned & neglected
To slay the machine that man made? was a demand that was respected
The politician grabbed him at his neck, his cold palms reached,
To take it and break it --....But then the EMP's bomb released

I'm not sold on that last line. "EMP's bomb released" to me is clumsy in the way it rolls from the tongue. I think your rhyming here was some of the weakest of the piece too if I'm honest. It's still good by a lot of standards online, but again I feel you're better than some of this here

& the same second it exploded his neck was broken, his spine,
Shifted in slow motion inside. & reality seemed frozen with time
The renegade's body started to fade, the blast shot him into vapor
Metallic remnants of the machine rested at the bottom of a crater

this builds nicely, the final 2 bars here are very nice. I wasn't sold on the first 2 in the first time I spit it aloud but on the second when I was expecting the bridged bar it works pretty cool. I feel like with some more rhythmic foundation in some of this you'd be on a whole other level

The renegade & the political machine both died; a scene chalked in grey
The dust settled, the Chimpanzee saw them both, shook its head,
And then walked away.

this was a nice closer, a bit of humour to contrast the action and lighten the mood. Not the strongest of closers but it does the job and punctuates the piece nicely with the framing of the chimpanzee, nice work

Overall I think this was a pretty dope piece. The lack of some foundation in areas brings it down from a top notch piece to just a very good one for me personally. I get that it's a "text drop" but for me it's all lyrics at the end of the day, otherwise "bars" (musical term) "multies" (emceeing) term etc wouldn't apply. That being said you've got a solid rhyming ability, great content and a strong narrative. Your voice is charismatic and confident with no need to really "show off" and I enjoyed the work, just for me personally I'd like a stronger use of basic foundations underlying the piece to give it that real fluidity and excellence in execution, you've already got the heart

[thatdudeB]

Yo, this was dope too. Better then the last one I read of your's. As I found the ending funny, for some reason. But again this was just nice anyways. To me this was like a jack of all trades. But not for the average.

[Van Gogh]

This held the most gripping storytelling I have come across yet. That being said... the chimpanzee may be relevant but I did not believe it had enough of a presence to be truly relevant and useful.
The content is...wild... for a lack of better words. A lot of similes and metaphors are being used in situations that are specific and feel... almost new.
The flow can get sabotaged at times but is made up for in other parts of the verse.
The rhyme schemes can get predictable but...that is only for brief moments. Most of this has a good amount of different schemes being used.
This was a great verse to read.