into the woods

[trajik]

into the woods

it's been nearly a year
since you ventured into the woods
you steered clear of all fears
sprinting head first anytime you could

to be free as the trees
as the breeze breathes through the leaves
you were sharp as a crease
and you would do whatever you pleased

traversing on and off path
always eager to help a friend
the person to have your back
all the way to the hellish end

you were one of the first
people i had shown my lyrics
you held an air of trust
and always dressed in good spirits

once coming to my aid
when i needed help the most
it was never repaid
i tried but didn't come close

you tempted fate with animals
far too avidly
it took you as collateral
creating a cavity

a hole in so many lives
family, friends, all those you touched
we won't get to see you thrive
far too soon, you still had youth clutched

i was struck like right hooks
when the tragic news came through
rest in peace mike woods
no one will ever forget you




@Emily

[Emily]

it's been nearly a year
since you ventured into the woods
you steered clear of all fears
sprinting head first anytime you could
trajik, you're intro verse brings a strong sense of belief and because of it, I'm compelled to fall into that picture you've drawn.
Sweet lullaby rhymes that fall elegantly but are also plain as day, not dressing up for the occasion, but just being real.
Your intro verse, is very real.

to be free as the trees
as the breeze breathes through the leaves
you were sharp as a crease
and you would do whatever you pleased

lol man, every single line here, is loved by me. Every one. I mean, check that out...sharp as a crease, do whatever you pleased.
Some writers were born with magical storytelling skills and you are without a doubt one of them. I especially love how you drop
your thoughts in such an effortless way, without glitz and glamour, still spilling power.

traversing on and off path
always eager to help a friend
the person to have your back
all the way to the hellish end

damn, that last line though, guts me. To the core.
I like how you draw it for us, then paint it black. I mean, I don't like it, but...
in the written form, it's not black, it's gold.

you were one of the first
people i had shown my lyrics
you held an air of trust
and always dressed in good spirits
The wizard controls us. We don't control the wizard. And by taking us down certain paths,
we meet like minded thoughts, they mingle, reminisce and share your honest thoughts.
And through your thoughts, we're stirred. Because you have the simple language down pat,
and the clean, classy pictures in front of us, and the story, is one we all know. the Golden Oldie - Love and loss.
The bit where you talked about being one of the first people you'd shown your lyrics to, I think all us writers can
understand the element of faith lol we have to have in someone in order to show someone that. You have to be a
writer don't you? To truly understand it. To really get how there's no way you'd share your stuff with just anyone.
No way.

once coming to my aid
when i needed help the most
it was never repaid
i tried but didn't come close
Maybe this might be my favourite part. The fact that you've put your friend so high up, and you're unable to see yourself
reaching those heights. Just the fact that you voice that, well, it's such a beautiful humble attitude. It kinda makes the reader crumble a lil,
well, maybe ... me...crumble a lil. You've got a respectful tone, it adds so much to this piece.

you tempted fate with animals
far too avidly
it took you as collateral
creating a cavity
Wow, I was sure it was cancer, but...an animal? Hard to imagine how/what happened. I really didn't expect that bit trajik.
Or is there a metaphor here I'm not getting?

a hole in so many lives
family, friends, all those you touched
we won't get to see you thrive
far too soon, you still had youth clutched
^^^ that line. You still had youth clutched.
Simple yet, not said in a way we're all used to.
There's a real silver lining to that line.

i was struck like right hooks
when the tragic news came through
rest in peace mike woods
no one will ever forget you

Beautiful outro. Nice rhymes. Clean pictures. Broken hearts.

trajik, sometimes when someone writes a piece to a friend, it can come off a bit cheesy, it can come off overly emotional.
Rarely do I read things like this, and not cringe at one aspect or another,
where the writer has tried to impress the reader just a bit more than they maybe should.
And in that line of syrup, they've lost me. It's only when the heart speaks for the pen,
and the pen truly follows that lead, that my brain wipes a tear.
There's love here and its clear. Sophistication in simple language. Elegance in admiration.
And I admire you, for writing this. And your friendship, for the strength it held.
You wrote a few stanza's but they held a lifetime and they built a house. And within those walls of words,
the scent of freshly baked bread, lingers. A cosy notion of wholesomeness.
A safe place to call home.
There was everything right, about this friendship.
And everything right about your tribute.

I loved what you wrote.
I'm sorry you had to write it.
I'm sorry for your loss.


Thank you.

[trajik]

thank you Emily

[Manc Sinatra]

Ok, now this is more my sort of poetry to be honest. I'll do my best to give you good feedback as this is more the sort of poetry I write myself.



into the woods

it's been nearly a year
since you ventured into the woods
you steered clear of all fears
sprinting head first anytime you could

Ok, this is a decent opener. I think my only gripe is that you established a nice regular meter/rhythm with the first 3 lines that you could've followed. You started with alternate lines of trochaic trimeter with the tetrameter in-between. I would've enjoyed to see that continued into the 4th line instead of adding the extra syllable. This is extreme nitpicking but I think making that cadence more regular would really add some fluidity. I do enjoy the opener though

to be free as the trees
as the breeze breathes through the leaves
you were sharp as a crease
and you would do whatever you pleased

hmmm. I like this rhythmically actually. The first couplet is nice, thought the AAAA rhyme scheme through me at first when I was expecting an ABAB like the previous stanza. The internal scheme on the second is very nice audibly though so I'll let you off there. I wasn't a huge fan of the "sharp as a crease" line if I'm honest, the rhyme is imperfect in my accent though which may be throwing me off

traversing on and off path
always eager to help a friend
the person to have your back
all the way to the hellish end

you lost a step here rythmically, this stanza is much weaker than the others in that regard and I think it loses momentum in the piece. I also find the "hellish end" a little clumsy personally, I think you would've been better served using a different adjective there but you're probably also a rapper and seem to have gone for the multie to me. So far I think this has been the low point in the poem for me

you were one of the first
people i had shown my lyrics
you held an air of trust
and always dressed in good spirits

Flow's a litle awkward here but not as clumsy as the previous stanza. I'm not sold on the content here, it seems a little shallow/unemotional. It's almost like you're listing random traits rather than desplaying/describing a true emotional connection. The "dressed in good spirits" for me particularly fell flat

once coming to my aid
when i needed help the most
it was never repaid
i tried but didn't come close

see now this is better, this shows more of your heard than your head. I still find some of the wording clumsy, it may be accent I dunno. But narrative wise you're getting stronger again here

you tempted fate with animals
far too avidly
it took you as collateral
creating a cavity

Hmmm honestly, as a stand alone stanza this is too vague/indirect for me. It reads like you've ended mid-thought as opposed to concluding this one before you move on. Like an unfinished sentence as it were

a hole in so many lives
family, friends, all those you touched
we won't get to see you thrive
far too soon, you still had youth clutched

again, this would've been nicer displayed together with the previous stanza structurally, in fact you could probably remove the stanza breaks and deliver this as one long stanza to great effect. The last line is terribly worded though to be honest "you still had youth clutched" is poor use of the words/tenses if I'm being real about it. It sounds very amateurish

i was struck like right hooks
when the tragic news came through
rest in peace mike woods
no one will ever forget you

See this was a solid closer, charged with emotion and better delivered than a lot of the poem. I think for me there are a few glaring issues rhythmically and some of your wording is a little immature/underdeveloped. I love the overall subject of the piece, I would've liked a lot more emotion to really drive it home. It took until the very last stanza for me to have any emotional response and it was a fairly mild one. This shows a ton of potential though, I'll be sure to check back for your later work. Good job.