User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: New World

  1. #1
    AJ The Menace Echelon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Age
    28
    Posts
    913
    Battle Record
    9-22
    Awards Biter Award

    New World

    I am The God of Israel, my power expands through universes
    I am unstoppable, using my strength to kill the slute of vermin
    The earth is my rod, my shadow expands beyond dimensions
    My moral compass is immaculate, I can never turn to the wrong direction
    I create new wonders from the tip of my finger
    Humans, animals, landscapes with elegant features
    I solve all puzzles handed my way, no need to examine my faith
    I halt all fiery lakes, I'm the sire of fate, killing every ravenous snake
    I was there since Adam and Eve, I built the heavenly Kingdom for me
    I wasted no time, creating the seas, and plains, for freedom for thee
    I know no boundaries, to any enemy, the wrath I seize
    To create new earth's, casting the seven seas and continents, with no blasphemies
    Israel is my creation, my people are worthy of blessings
    Nothing can stop them, the earth is their presence
    My depth is abysmal, from Noah, Jonah, Moses, and Jesus Christ
    Join me, and together with my reaching might, we will seize the light!

  2. #2

  3. #3

    Re: New World

    This whole thing feels ways too forced to me. You're trying to force multis and it just doesn't work. Just my opinion.

    Sorry, just not my style maybe, but I feel like if you try to not be so "out there" you would write some good stuff.

    Again, just my 2 cents. what do I know.

  4. #4

    Re: New World

    Reads more like a smooth poem rather than a clean, fluid verse for me...you have some good rhymes in there & seem to have a good understanding from a rhyming point of view, but I think you need to extend that methodology to the verse as a whole & look to write "one verse" where you take into account that rhythm across the entire piece, rather than just thinking about it when you come to rhyme. You seemed to have good command of metaphors, which is good to see, but the main criticism I would level is it was a pretty bland/uninspiring topic...came across as a topical version of a braggadocio piece, and didn't really have anything really that enjoyable in there. For me I enjoyed the technical elements of your skill rather than the subject matter or topic. It didn't really captivate me, and I think you could do with looking to think of a more compelling topic & a unique angle to take on it before you set out to write.

  5. #5
    Soule
    Guest

    Re: New World

    Rhyme scheme could be a little stronger but otherwise a pretty nice and short read. I like the story telling though a little more depth and description could really help you. It's like you've got what you need, now you just need to add to it. I look forward to seeing some growth from you in the future. You have a beast waiting to come out in your writing.

  6. #6
    La Costa Nostra Late Bloom's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    775
    Battle Record
    5-21

    Re: New World

    Agree to some degree a lotta this was lacking imo.... althouhh yes i understand u have captured the ability to rhyme again the story was not my favorite subject really and shit i wouldnt really want to involve... i would break this down but it didnt deserve it.... yes again ur rhymes were compelling but you either needed a better storyline or a new way of looking at things... but i can tell from your writing u are reluctant... many people a re like that.. i an too in all honesty, but heres for looking back...

  7. #7
    AJ The Menace Echelon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Age
    28
    Posts
    913
    Battle Record
    9-22
    Awards Biter Award

    Re: New World

    Quote Originally Posted by Sinning View Post
    I am The God of Israel, my power expands through universes
    I am unstoppable, using my strength to kill the slute of vermin
    The earth is my rod, my shadow expands beyond dimensions
    My moral compass is immaculate, I can never turn to the wrong direction
    I create new wonders from the tip of my finger
    Humans, animals, landscapes with elegant features
    I solve all puzzles handed my way, no need to examine my faith
    I halt all fiery lakes, I'm the sire of fate, killing every ravenous snake
    I was there since Adam and Eve, I built the heavenly Kingdom for me
    I wasted no time, creating the seas, and plains, for freedom for thee
    I know no boundaries, to any enemy, the wrath I seize
    To create new earth's, casting the seven seas and continents, with no blasphemies
    Israel is my creation, my people are worthy of blessings
    Nothing can stop them, the earth is their presence
    My depth is abyssal, from Noah, Jonah, Moses, and Jesus Christ
    Join me, and together with my reaching might, we will seize the light!
    ......

  8. #8
    MAD! A Disciple's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    CT (wtby)
    Posts
    3,547
    Battle Record
    0-2

    Re: New World

    Nah bitch exactly... I will stay with my own kind and that has nothing to do with color not that it EVER mattered. Back them beasts the fuck up off me. Un du tois. Every time I go to pray this stupid bitch chants Lord forgive me I am not playing with that dumb ass bitch either. GET THE FUCK UP OFF MY SOUL. How do I shoot in the dark? EASY!!!!!!!! Nah this shit ain't a joke or a game to me.
    +~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~¥~+
    CLA919

  9. #9
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    The Crooked Empire
    Age
    39
    Posts
    94

    Re: New World

    very cool about the important thematic elements and the wordplay and vocabulary backed it up sufficiently and added the authoritative elements i like about naturally good content. you did a good job with vocab paring for the rhymes, and although there were limited other artistic usages of the wordplay, you definitely made a good effort to compensate with the themes. i think that the choice to limit the repetitions was smart too, and in essence replace the need for too many hooks, but i'll be looking forward to see more. i feel the limitation on this verse is singularity that one verse alone exposes as a flaw, so it'd have been better to see more verses. thanks for a great read, reminded me of like peter tosh's i am that i am.

  10. #10

    Re: New World

    Since the most recent month I have lost my employment and I am confronting family issues. I required a vocation direly so I attempted to do the forex exchanging. It was truly fun to get dissertation writing services reviews when I caught wind of it however it isn't as straightforward as it appears. At any rate a debt of gratitude is in order for furnishing me with some valuable tips that will assist me with accomplishing my work without any problem.

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •