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Thread: Stormy and Sandy Time

  1. #1

    Stormy and Sandy Time

    First of all I apologize for writing about a picture that is to big to be put into this thread.

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    https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com...49d1517788.jpg


    Looking at life, people often wonder
    just how we reach the top
    whenever we begin it under
    The sands of time cause a hectic scene
    blowing amongst the wind
    forever it seems
    The highest of highs comes from the
    lowest of lows, ya see
    dropped into new life
    from a storm that birthed me

    Falling from the heavens I am beaten
    naked and afraid but it's where
    our new life begins
    Tumble and turn in our world we do
    surviving rebirth is common
    but only for few
    Shaking the rust of the storm of addiction
    Taking on life, falling from the top
    sometimes it's what we need
    for maximum completion
    Best Rookie of Season 13 - Poet's Society

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Stormy and Sandy Time

    Looking at life, people often wonder
    just how we reach the top Nice intro Enclave.
    whenever we begin it under The wording in this line sounds a bit odd to me.
    The sands of time cause a hectic scene
    blowing amongst the wind
    forever it seems
    The highest of highs comes from the
    lowest of lows, ya see lol, I like it. Even the 'ya see' casual lingo works for me. But I like what you've said here.
    dropped into new life
    from a storm that birthed me Yes, lovely. Beautifully worded here. A storm that birthed me is stunning.

    Falling from the heavens I am beaten Another great line.
    naked and afraid but it's where
    our new life begins This structure confuses me a bit. But structures not something I go on about, so I'll leave it.
    Tumble and turn in our world we do Nice line here.
    surviving rebirth is common
    but only for few but only for a few maybe?
    Shaking the rust of the storm of addiction of, or off? Great line btw. Very nice wording here.
    Taking on life, falling from the top
    sometimes it's what we need This one seems a bit too realistic and I lose the mood and atmosphere a bit because of this line.
    for maximum completion Ok, interesting outro. Maximum completion are strong words.

    Enclave, my opinion on this is just that, my opinion and nothing else.
    I like what you have to say, and the pic, but I think sometimes, just when I'm on a lovely flow of words,
    some sort of reality or harsher sounding sentence hits me and as I told you before it breaks the mood for me.
    This happened a couple of times and it was enough to remind me I'm reading.
    As for the rest of it though, you've got a nice way of wording yourself. Your imagery is strong and you know what
    you want to say and don't fill your pieces up with filler or jargon that's meaningless to the piece.
    Instead you concentrate on the layers falling one on top of another to give us a richer tale, and I like that.
    I think the structure in this piece was a bit odd because I don't think it helped the flow much...too many stops and starts for me.
    I like the short line structure, nothing against that, but some lines I felt were cut right in the middle of them and I couldn't see the
    point of that other than that's just the way you wanted it, and like I said, re structure, it's not on the top of my list.
    The top of my list is... do you have a unique story to tell? Do you have imagery that I can a visualize? Does it evolve and
    move with the story? Do you have poetic air where the flow is concerned?
    These are just 'some' of the things that entertain me in a piece.
    And you Enclave, are always entertaining to read.
    Sorry about the late feed. I'm waiting for ps to wrap up and then it's here full time again.
    Thanks for dropping Enclave.
    Interesting read.
    Last edited by Emily; January 2nd, 2017 at 11:10 PM


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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! ExPoeta's Avatar
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    Re: Stormy and Sandy Time

    I think this would read better in couplets as they are written in that fashion.There are natural breaks that aren't being grammatically addressed and I feel separating the lines would giver the poem the structure it's craving! I feel there are some wording issues also, such as 'sands of time' and high/low line that bring it dangerously close to cliche imagery. The content itself is well constructed and the notion of spiritual or philosophical rebirth has a strong connection with me, therefore I found myself entertained and satisfied throughout. I really like that the poems tonality is predominantly dead pan, or melancholy to an extent, the strong words you use add that needed spice to add the dramatic element without detracting from the overall monologues monotone, realist feel. I look forward to seeing more from you. As I say to virtually everyone, just try and steer clear of cliches! It's my biggest battle as well!

  4. #4

    Re: Stormy and Sandy Time

    Thanks for the feedback
    Best Rookie of Season 13 - Poet's Society

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