Stars (old poem)

[osvaldojpalom1]

They say the white light
Of the stars
Is the most sacred
And precious
Of them all

Yet I would disagree

It is the loneliest form of light
For the stars
Are forever alone

They're too far
Out of reach
And all you can do
Is watch them
As they burn
Slowly consuming
Themselves

Alone

That's how I feel
At the moment

I'm getting to the point
Where I'm going
To explode

There's a limit
To how much
I can hold in

Everything is just
Becoming too dense
And too heavy
To continue
Holding on to

Stars have their limits
And so do I

We're both burning up
Knowing that we
Will eventually burst
And become nothing

For that is what
We have always been

Nothing

[_Lyrics]

Hey osvaldojpalom1, i thought this was an interesting piece of poetry, i really liked the star referenced and the metaphors for exploding into nothing, the emotions were pretty strong, i felt like i needed a denser layer to the metaphor to make it stand out more, the potential was strong, and your stanzas read clear and smooth. Its always nice to look on some old work and see how it shines to us. Thanks for the read

[TheIllyricist]

This is an old poem like you said, so it lacks the refinement of your other work I've noticed on the forum. Feels like a supernova theme layered with the idea of a person packing in too much baggage before they're bursting. Problem here is the wording's too dry and too straightforward, almost something you feel an edgy "depressed" kid in seventh grade who listens to My Chemical Romance would write. Know what I mean? Reads too much like a preaching or a rant in it's way. And the short lines did not help the flow. Stop and go did not work for this. I will say it shows promise of your current talent.

[Emily]

osvaldojpalom1, you're obviously a deep thinker. I like that you take elements like this and dissect it and then show us how you play a part of that whole.
I appreciate that. What I liked about this is that it's clean in a crisp type of way. Sometimes too clean though can come off as a bit sterile.
What I thought it lacked was a poetic sense of pace and tone to dance with your wording.
I felt your tone was a tad harsh and that left me with a bit of an abrupt feeling. This lacked the refined flow that I've read in your other piece and of course I put it down to it being an older piece. This to me seems like spoken word in that I can imagine it being recited aloud. I gotta say, I really like your outro.
That stillness in the end kills me.
I thought this was ok osvaldojpalom1, just a bit harsh where the blending of sentences is concerned. Some of the words came off sounding a bit wooden and because of that, it was just a bit jarring to the senses. If you know what I mean lol.
But for an older piece, I mean it's obvious you're always had talent, and that core ingredient isn't had by all.
I'd like to see a smoother transition from line to line. Other than that, nice work osvaldojpalom1.


Thank you.