I'm love with a white guy
Face hotter than Justin Bieber
Body sexy like Justin Timberlake
Swag is crazy
He Cuban, I'm a coke girl
don't mess with broke chicks
He knows I'm dope girl
He said get me dope girl
Hustling on the street everyday
My man worth it he made me rich
links on way
- - - Updated - - -
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...Evlis-Freshely
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ngry-and-bored
Damn LOL***Originally Posted by Child-Raising Badass
Anyways:
"I'm love with a white guy
Face hotter than Justin Bieber
Body sexy like Justin Timberlake
Swag is crazy
He Cuban, I'm a coke girl
don't mess with broke chicks
He knows I'm dope girl
He said get me dope girl
Hustling on the street everyday
My man worth it he made me rich"
There really wasnt much here to give feedback on TBH. Try adding a little more build to your drops "Would make for a better read" Nice go at it though as we all start somewhere
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I'm love with a white guy
It's either I love a white guy, or I'm in love with a white guy.
Face hotter than Justin Bieber
Body sexy like Justin Timberlake
Swag is crazy
He Cuban, I'm a coke girl
He's Cuban. I don't know what a coke girl is though? Coke as in coca cola? Or coke as in cocaine? Beats me.
don't mess with broke chicks
Who? Him? Or you? At this point I don't know.
He knows I'm dope girl
He said get me dope girl
Hustling on the street everyday
My man worth it he made me rich
My man is worth it.....
No offence but your man seems like a waste of foreskin.
Regardless, whatever gets your rocks off Boss Lady.
As I said to you in pc, you just gotta get the joining words in there to add proper pronunciation to your sentences.
And lets be honest here, bragging about how you're so dope and he gets the dope, and the coke, and yadda yadda
just doesn't sound believable. The beauty about writing, imo, is that we as readers get to space out in some other world
because of your words and forget we're reading. We have to forget we're reading. So in saying that, there has to be an
element of it that's at least slightly believable. Unless of course its written so bloody well that no one gives a rats what the
writer is selling. We're off on imagery we've got playing in our imagination.
Try being a little more true TO YOU. Try reflecting on your own personal shit and reflecting that on paper.
Try being a little more raw and organic and real. And leave the mafia and gangsta stuff till you've got the rest down pat.
If you want to write about the drugs and drug lords and the love they have for their hoe's then at least make it a little bit
believable Boss Lady.
I don't know what else to say.
I don't want to discourage you Boss Lady but write from within. Cause at the moment, you're writing from 'without'.
Good luck with it.
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I will work on these Emily
I see where you are going with this but it has some errors in it that kind of hinders the whole flow and stutters the imagery. I like that you came with some good representation and played with the COKE GIRL drop but the grammatical errors really hurt this piece so that I can really get into it. Just proof read what you type and this would have been good....
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Best Topical Writer: 143
I appreciate both guys reading
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