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Thread: "A FISHY TALE"

  1. #1
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    Cool "A FISHY TALE"

    I watch from the edge of the tempered-glass ridge
    - plotting revenge on the one that's kept me captive.
    If you've ever had fish that you've placed in a tank
    then I'll bet my back fin that they hate you for that!
    The same thing must happen at every store within the city
    "Take a look at this one, mom, isn't it pretty?"
    "I want this little fishy!" the young nominal gasps
    with sticky fingers insisting on prodding the glass.
    I shot her a glance that conveyed my contempt
    while gobbling gaseous bubbles to try and state my intent.
    I knew the way this would end once I'd heard the noisy one shout
    so I turned-tail and I left soon as she pointed me out!
    I loitered around the gravel bed and iridescent accessories
    avoiding for now the small fishing net from detecting me.
    Sensing the end was near I gulped, and dove down below,
    before I fled somewhat desperately into a shoal of my own.
    With the net closing in slowly, I sped up my speed,
    - I know it's ignoble but I'd sooner it was them and not me!
    I wasn't ready to leave, though my primary concern
    was that I'd seen so many deceived only to never return!
    With my fins peddling nervously, I turned right and I baulked
    to see my "friends" had dispersed, having realised I'd been caught!
    I was prised from the water open-mouthed at what had just passed
    where my eyes met the daughters holding me aloft in a bag.
    "I promised my dad I'd take care of you," the custodian lied.
    The polymer plastics properties choked my reply.
    With a roll of the eyes, I was free falling through the air and quick -
    plonking into a bowl on the side of a room that was garish pink.
    The human I shared it with often bleated and blared
    with all the usual superlatives like "I'll clean it, I swear!"
    Within weeks I was scarcely even glanced at as she passed
    & the over-feed from her parents started to gather in the tank.
    The gravel pit was blackening where algae sits on the rocks
    - she hasn't cleaned the glass in here since the filter was blocked.
    So I swim in a clockwise motion with my head up against the cell
    while thinking of what it would take to get out and save myself.
    I delved in the dainty dwelling, where I thought for a bit,
    and my impending fate propelled me even more than my fins.
    This dirty waters beginning to grate on my gills
    I swear the chlorine I'm swimming in's what's making me ill.
    Maybe by building up momentum and staying close to the right,
    I could escape it by tilting the fish bowl on its side?
    But with oxygen low in supply, once the water displaced,
    my only hope of survival would be a crawl to the drains.
    All it would take was the smallest mistake and that would be it!
    I really wasn't sure I would make it, so I sat dragging my fins.
    The gravel I'd kicked up began floating atop
    as I lapped up a drink, smacking my lips, and closely I watched.
    A froth of foam carried flotsam that grouped at the edge
    which the overseers' mom would sometimes remove with a net.
    I knew in that second what awaited me since
    if she presumed I was dead, I might just be able to live!
    The wait is horrific but I give my best performance to date
    and play dead implicitly, only blinking when sure that it's safe.
    Hours sprawl into days; A wry smile leaves from my mouth
    when the daughter exclaims "Mom, quick, Bieber has drowned!"
    Keeping my mouth closed, the fish nets shadow hits my face
    I feel it teasing me out of the water before it carries me away.
    With a splash I give my tail a flick and swim for my life
    having chanced on an escape tunnel within the pipe!
    In the distance behind, I hear a flush hissing at me,
    - and feel a wave whisking me by as I adjust diligently.
    This must be freedom I think to myself as I open my eyelids.
    If there's plenty more fish in the sea, here's hoping I find 'em...


    FIN!

    WORD P e r f e c t !


    RESERVOIR GODS


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  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: "A FISHY TALE"

    lol This was great. The melodic flow was consistent and carried this from a to z.
    Even though the flow wasn't broken up, it did change a tad with some internals which were
    refreshing, they broke up the uniform pattern a tad and kept the pace alive and interesting.
    The story was really entertaining. I love the perspective you took. Quite original in the way the story
    unfolded. I liked the outro and the direction you took.
    Thought it was funny naming the fish Beiber LOL, hysterical.
    I'm quite impressed with this piece. It's clean wording made for a colourful piece that had some twists and
    turns and kind of propelled me into a bit of a Nemo moment. It's animated writing made me forget I was
    reading and imo that's the secret to writing success. When one forgets this is merely a written piece and projectors
    with technicolor screens start taking over the words, and the sentences turn into a script, you're HD with surround sound.
    The rhymes weren't full on but enough to keep my interest, you used your rhymes well without having to resort to
    mundane fillers and gibberish lingo. There were probably two times in the whole piece where I was smooth sailing
    all the way down your end rhymes only to have a slight rhyme based hic-up. Then I realised with one of them, the
    internal did it's thing and the sentence was fine.
    You've got some clever lines in this.
    I won't quote because there's quite a few lines worth quoting and I just don't have the time atm.
    My favourite line though is the Beiber one....

    Hours sprawl into days; A wry smile leaves from my mouth
    when the daughter exclaims "Mom, quick, Bieber has drowned!"
    That's a doozy.

    Good stuff Baron Mynd.
    What a pleasure to read and feed this intelligent, humorous piece.
    Thank you.


    Great Read.
    Last edited by Emily; January 24th, 2017 at 10:59 PM


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  3. #3
    Super Saiyan Badass Child-Raising Badass's Avatar
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    Awards Biter Award - Biting Juelz Santana

    Re: "A FISHY TALE"

    This piece could easily be about eating pussy

  4. #4
    - Retired - #PrimeTime's Avatar
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    Re: "A FISHY TALE"

    I watch from the edge of the tempered-glass ridge
    - plotting revenge on the one that's kept me captive.
    If you've ever had fish that you've placed in a tank
    then I'll bet my back fin that they hate you for that!
    The same thing must happen at every store within the city
    "Take a look at this one, mom, isn't it pretty?"
    "I want this little fishy!" the young nominal gasps
    with sticky fingers insisting on prodding the glass.
    ^Ok, this was dope, I really dug the flow to this part. The wording was great and you started off this piece great.

    I shot her a glance that conveyed my contempt
    while gobbling gaseous bubbles to try and state my intent.
    I knew the way this would end once I'd heard the noisy one shout
    so I turned-tail and I left soon as she pointed me out!
    I loitered around the gravel bed and iridescent accessories
    avoiding for now the small fishing net from detecting me.
    Sensing the end was near I gulped, and dove down below,
    before I fled somewhat desperately into a shoal of my own.
    ^ Great use of emotion here, with solid use of multi's here.

    I wasn't ready to leave, though my primary concern
    was that I'd seen so many deceived only to never return!
    With my fins peddling nervously, I turned right and I baulked
    to see my "friends" had dispersed, having realised I'd been caught!
    I was prised from the water open-mouthed at what had just passed
    where my eyes met the daughters holding me aloft in a bag.
    "I promised my dad I'd take care of you," the custodian lied.
    The polymer plastics properties choked my reply.
    With a roll of the eyes, I was free falling through the air and quick -
    plonking into a bowl on the side of a room that was garish pink.
    The human I shared it with often bleated and blared
    with all the usual superlatives like "I'll clean it, I swear!"
    Within weeks I was scarcely even glanced at as she passed
    & the over-feed from her parents started to gather in the tank.
    The gravel pit was blackening where algae sits on the rocks
    - she hasn't cleaned the glass in here since the filter was blocked.
    So I swim in a clockwise motion with my head up against the cell
    while thinking of what it would take to get out and save myself.
    I delved in the dainty dwelling, where I thought for a bit,
    and my impending fate propelled me even more than my fins.
    This dirty waters beginning to grate on my gills
    ^I kind of got lost here, but the flow here was solid. The story here in this part was good, but I kinda like I said, got lost track of what you were saying.

    Maybe by building up momentum and staying close to the right,
    I could escape it by tilting the fish bowl on its side?
    But with oxygen low in supply, once the water displaced,
    my only hope of survival would be a crawl to the drains.
    All it would take was the smallest mistake and that would be it!
    I really wasn't sure I would make it, so I sat dragging my fins.
    The gravel I'd kicked up began floating atop
    as I lapped up a drink, smacking my lips, and closely I watched.
    A froth of foam carried flotsam that grouped at the edge
    which the overseers' mom would sometimes remove with a net.
    I knew in that second what awaited me since
    if she presumed I was dead, I might just be able to live!
    ^this part pf your piece really got me back into the story. This was super cool with great imagery all around.

    The wait is horrific but I give my best performance to date
    and play dead implicitly, only blinking when sure that it's safe.
    Hours sprawl into days; A wry smile leaves from my mouth
    when the daughter exclaims "Mom, quick, Bieber has drowned!"
    Keeping my mouth closed, the fish nets shadow hits my face
    I feel it teasing me out of the water before it carries me away.
    With a splash I give my tail a flick and swim for my life
    having chanced on an escape tunnel within the pipe!
    In the distance behind, I hear a flush hissing at me,
    - and feel a wave whisking me by as I adjust diligently.
    This must be freedom I think to myself as I open my eyelids.
    If there's plenty more fish in the sea, here's hoping I find 'em..
    This was a great way to wrap up your story. I really was digging your story from the get go and I'd like to think that this was one of the better pieces I seen in a long ass time. I read stuff from you before, and it's always cool to see some solid veterans like yourself dropping pieces such as this. You're very creative and write very creatively with very indepth imagery with well structured lines, making it much more fluid for the reader. This was dope. Kepp at it.

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    Originally Posted by Celph Taut
    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    sick, bro. Holy shit. Absolutely captivating lyrics. never seen something so explosive, dynamic, and quintessentially mesmerizing! Keep it up!

  5. #5
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: "A FISHY TALE"

    Just wow.. Baron, bravo. I mean this was very light hearted writing in its cleverest shine. your story resonated so well in the writing, The metaphors and personifications were off the fishing hook man lmao, I mean I don't know where my props can begin, the story telling brought me to a new fish out of water, from his first interaction with the girl standing his ground, to her pointing him out and him hiding, watching his friends flee when he got caught. being put in the tiny bowl in the pink room, in uncleaned filth for weeks, lol this was a funny but heartfelt for the fish at the same time, i couldnt help but feel bad as a reader how the imagery was presented, the chlorine, and constant planning and plotting to escape. great writing man. It was truly presented as pretty struggling imagery to think a living thing could be subjected to, and in such a common fashion how i could easily imagine it would be.. The ignorant pet owner, I actually just wrote a poem similar earlier that hits these type of metaphors. based on a true story called he waits- i think youd enjoy the slight comparison. Mechanically this was sound, a blend of flow and immersive story-telling that you should definitely be credited for. thanks for the read, looking forward to your next
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