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Thread: Waitress No. 666 [FINAL VERSION]

  1. #1
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Waitress No. 666 [FINAL VERSION]


    ... Topical contest verse written to the picture


    Waitress No. 666

    I met Lou Cypher on a fateful day in June at the age of 22
    ... Waiting tables at Diego's as a way to pay for school ...
    He had came to taste the food that was famously consumed
    By every famous name I knew in the land of Tinseltown

    "Excuse me ma'am I'm Lilith Brown & I work for Mr. Cypher
    Who demands you sit us down".


    "Are you mad? You see this crowd? Not even Brad could get in now.
    Even with a reservation you'll be waiting for a while. But there's always
    Casa Vega and the famous Mr. Chow's ..."


    She just grimaced with a scowl then she told me ...

    "Listen, child ... Mr. Cypher is impatient so you better figure out ..."

    Right before I kicked her out I heard the voice of Don Diego ...

    "Get a table for Ms. Brown and a bottle of some vino ... dos lomitos 20 ounce
    And make sure it's own the house!"


    Thus I took her down the aisle to a corner in the back where she was shrouded
    By the shadows and her face was nearly black -- she was sneering like a cat
    & her eyes kinda glowed like a photo with the flash as I stumbled in the kitchen
    For the dishes and to ask .. Don Diego who she was .. he just stared at me real numb
    Then he told me ...

    "She's a nun .. or at least she use to be .. until she came to Cali
    On a mission of "belief", but what happened in between is a mystery it seems
    Cos the next thing you know .. she's the "Mistress of TV" .. every filthy thing
    You see, from the hookers to the fiends, all the pornography ...
    And the vulgar imagery, both the monsters and the creeps ...
    The Illuminati symbols and demonic symmetry on the television screen ...
    Was influenced by producers who she tutored & released on the whole industry"


    "But who is Lou Cypher?"

    "Girl be careful what you speak?"

    "But..."

    "Hush ... that's enough. Plus, I'm sure they'd like to eat"


    As he shoved me out the kitchen I was shaking like a leaf
    In a Transylvanian breeze, felt a strain within my knees
    And a cold bane of sweat as my face began to steam ...
    Cos the closer that I got I could feel the frequencies
    Of "satanic" energies ...

    "Lilith who is she?"

    Said a suave silhouette as his head nodded forward
    And our eyes finally meet .. he had a bronze kind of red
    Like a fire when it danced and upon a second glance
    I was lost within his trance .. all my flaws were in his hands
    As he charmed me like a snake in Punjab, Pakistan ...

    "She's a star ... I'm a fan!"

    "More like harlot or a tramp ..."

    "No, the next Scarlet Jo, Angelina, or Diaz ...
    I can see it if you can't"


    "If we get her out those rags and we put her in a dress
    Like an Oscar del la Renta or Dior, then I guess. But of course ...
    She'll need breast..."


    "Then we'll make em more enhanced; but I'm sure that those legs
    Could quickly start a war just like Paris"


    "You mean France?"

    "I mean Helen in the flesh ... she's so elegant and fresh!"

    They so hellishly expressed every element of sex
    As I stood there possessed by the Devil's eloquence

    "Than I guess it's settled then ... I can get her scheduled in
    On a Tuesday after 10"


    "So it's welcome to the "bigs" ... Waitress Six Sixty-Six
    My name is Lou Cypher and I rule the movie biz ..."








    *In numerology 22 is considered a "master number" and deals with the manifestation of dreams as well as coming into contact with spiritual entities.
    *Tinseltown is a nickname given to Hollywood in reference to the shiney, bright, and often times unreal nature of the movie biz.
    *Lilith Click Link
    *Lou-Cy-pher


  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Waitress No. 666 [FINAL VERSION]

    I met Lou Cypher on a fateful day in June at the age of 22 Nice symbolism with the number 22 (as you explained below) and also with the sixth month being June.
    ... Waiting tables at Diego's as a way to pay for school ...
    He had came to taste the food that was famously consumed Loving those rhymes Self.
    By every famous name I knew in the land of Tinseltown
    Nice intro self. Smooth and fluid from line to line, with a nice ending on the forth.
    Lou Cypher is a great name. It reminds of that movie 'Angel Heart' with Mickey Rourke and Robert De Niro
    where De Niro is the devil who calls himself Louis Cyphre.


    "Excuse me ma'am I'm Lilith Brown & I work for Mr. Cypher
    Who demands you sit us down".

    "Are you mad? You see this crowd? Not even Brad could get in now. lol. These references to certain names of people and places are great.
    Even with a reservation you'll be waiting for a while. But there's always
    Casa Vega and the famous Mr. Chow's ..."

    She just grimaced with a scowl then she told me ... I also like the pauses mid speech.

    "Listen, child ... Mr. Cypher is impatient so you better figure out ..."

    Right before I kicked her out I heard the voice of Don Diego ... So pathetic of me, but...the word 'out' being in so close proximity
    does something slight to the read, that I think you can probably avoid.


    "Get a table for Ms. Brown and a bottle of some vino ... dos lomitos 20 ounce
    And make sure it's own the house!" You remind me of HEC when you write like this. He writes these epic pieces that have conversations
    flowing all the way through and it's so refreshing to read something like this in om. I like it. I'm loving the flow.


    Thus I took her down the aisle to a corner in the back where she was shrouded
    By the shadows and her face was nearly black -- she was sneering like a cat Loving these internals. These two lines are littered with lovely sounds.
    & her eyes kinda glowed like a photo with the flash as I stumbled in the kitchen Nice imagery. Nice wording.
    For the dishes and to ask .. Don Diego who she was .. he just stared at me real numb
    Then he told me ...

    "She's a nun .. or at least she use to be .. until she came to Cali
    On a mission of "belief", but what happened in between is a mystery it seems You're on some Dr. Seuss spin but without the dork attack.
    The melody is consistent, nice and loud, and clear.

    Cos the next thing you know .. she's the "Mistress of TV" .. every filthy thing
    You see, from the hookers to the fiends, all the pornography ... Stunning rhymes Self. And also you've got good control of the audiences
    interest because of the provocative path you've taken. I like that you had this character originally being a nun.

    And the vulgar imagery, both the monsters and the creeps ... You've got a talent for the rhymes, and the flow, and the wording.
    The Illuminati symbols and demonic symmetry on the television screen ... I mean, check this out.
    Was influenced by producers who she tutored & released on the whole industry" Yep. Love it.


    "But who is Lou Cypher?"

    "Girl be careful what you speak?"

    "But..."

    "Hush ... that's enough. Plus, I'm sure they'd like to eat"

    As he shoved me out the kitchen I was shaking like a leaf
    In a Transylvanian breeze, felt a strain within my kneesThe descriptions are cool. Especially this line.
    And a cold bane of sweat as my face began to steam ...
    Cos the closer that I got I could feel the frequencies
    Of "satanic" energies ... Oh yesssss. The money shot.

    "Lilith who is she?"

    Said a suave silhouette as his head nodded forward
    And our eyes finally meet .. he had a bronze kind of red
    Like a fire when it danced and upon a second glance
    I was lost within his trance .. all my flaws were in his hands
    As he charmed me like a snake in Punjab, Pakistan ... You've got some engaging metaphors. The techniques in your written work
    propel the reader to a scene that can be seen in their minds eye. It's stimulating and thought provoking.


    "She's a star ... I'm a fan!"

    "More like harlot or a tramp ..." lol

    "No, the next Scarlet Jo, Angelina, or Diaz ...
    I can see it if you can't"

    "If we get her out those rags and we put her in a dress
    Like an Oscar del la Renta or Dior, then I guess. But of course ...
    She'll need breast..." I reckon you could have gotten away with an s at the end of breast. Easy. It would sound more natural and still fit the rhyme with no problems.

    "Then we'll make em more enhanced; but I'm sure that those legs
    Could quickly start a war just like Paris"

    "You mean France?"

    "I mean Helen in the flesh ... she's so elegant and fresh!" Top Line!!

    They so hellishly expressed every element of sex
    As I stood there possessed by the Devil's eloquence Omg, and another. Beautiful.

    "Than I guess it's settled then ... I can get her scheduled in
    On a Tuesday after 10" So breezy, your wording is so breezy. Organic and pure.

    "So it's welcome to the "bigs" ... Waitress Six Sixty-Six
    My name is Lou Cypher and I rule the movie biz ..." Great outro. Great work.



    Self, this was a bit of an addictive read. As in, there wasnt a part of me that didnt want to read it again, nor not want to speed through it to find out what
    was going to happen at the end. A pesticide free piece. Free of fillers and crap. Just beautiful virgin evil unwrapping itself in unbleached thought.
    I dig it.
    Love your writing Self. You've got a way to keep the reader interested. You've got a knack for flow and rhyme, for imagery that pops, and certainly for dialogue.
    I really, really enjoyed this piece. Keep bringing your art Self.
    Always a pleasure to read, and even a bigger buzz to feed.

    Great Read.


    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; January 19th, 2017 at 12:16 AM


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  3. #3
    Lenox
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    Re: Waitress No. 666 [FINAL VERSION]

    This was really good I liked the title the most, sounds like a horror movie Netflix special with 1 star,
    Emily make sure u remind me in pm to breakdown tis whole verse

  4. #4
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: Waitress No. 666 [FINAL VERSION]

    Quote Originally Posted by Lenox View Post
    This was really good I liked the title the most, sounds like a horror movie Netflix special with 1 star,
    Emily make sure u remind me in pm to breakdown tis whole verse
    Emily's not your mom or a mother figure to any of the gits on this site. Remind yourself to come back and break down the feed

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