Across The Sea

[Soule]

Finishing up my shift in five, mind is tied to tonight's surprise,
my brother turns twenty nine, awaiting the city lights and stripper's eyes.
Clocking out as my phone rings, my nephew appears on the caller ID,
it's a quarter to three... he should be in class instead of bothering me.
I answer hesitantly, "hey buddy, sorry but I'm a tad busy..."
listening as he sobs, my jaw cringes and locks, "...dad was fishing..."
Apparently he took too much vicodin and his body couldn't handle it,
after minutes of silence and rubbing my eyelids, I tried to channel this.
"Okay kid, I'll be there to get you soon so hang out with your friends,"
my fist's clenched, head throbbing from this tense pinch on both ends.
Tears soaking my beard as I try to disappear unseen by my boss,
stuck thinking about my loss, panicking for my keys like they're lost.
Driving over the speed limit, I see visions of us laughing,
so hard to breathe this in, like I'm beneath waves that keep crashing.
I fail to notice the police sirens or the train before it smites my car,
head bouncing in dismay... my dreams display our lives in the stars.
We're sitting on a boat, feet in the sea, my brother leans in to speak,
"take care of my son, you schmuck," gives me a hug and dives into the deep.
I keep searching but the ocean's black, I'm afraid to leave someone behind,
and I can feel my emotions stack as the weight begins to bludgeon my spine.
A warmth on my chest, my nephew shakes me back to life,
I'm sore but blessed, embracing his love like it's the last I'll find.
A couple weeks after the funeral, I take him to a beautiful spot on the pier,
"your dad and I loved it here," he smiles while he drops his gear.
we share a couple laughs, catch some fish and talk with ease,
- I unfold my chair then relax...
he does the same and together we gaze across the sea.

Link 1
Link 2

[Emily]

Finishing up my shift in five, mind is tied to tonight's surprise,
my brother turns twenty nine, awaiting the city lights and stripper's eyes.
Clocking out as my phone rings, my nephew appears on the caller ID,
it's a quarter to three... he should be in class instead of bothering me.

Nice intro into the piece here. I like the way you tell a story. It's got a nice old fashioned feel to it.
There's a nostalgic tone that evokes treasured thoughts, if you know what I mean.

I answer hesitantly, "hey buddy, sorry but I'm a tad busy..."
listening as he sobs, my jaw cringes and locks, "...dad was fishing..."
Apparently he took too much vicodin and his body couldn't handle it,
after minutes of silence and rubbing my eyelids, I tried to channel this.

I like the character that you've displayed and the dialogue used I thought came across
as real and smooth. There's also that slight drum roll here because you just know that
something bad is about to be uncovered and there's a kid involved which always pulls
heartstrings much more than it normally would.

"Okay kid, I'll be there to get you soon so hang out with your friends,"
my fist's clenched, head throbbing from this tense pinch on both ends.

Cool tension on show. Good imagery here.

Tears soaking my beard as I try to disappear unseen by my boss,
stuck thinking about my loss, panicking for my keys like they're lost.

This bits good too. The chaos is obvious. That key line is helping the mental
chaos beautifully.

Driving over the speed limit, I see visions of us laughing,
so hard to breathe this in, like I'm beneath waves that keep crashing.
I fail to notice the police sirens or the train before it smites my car,
head bouncing in dismay... my dreams display our lives in the stars.

Love the lead up to this last line. But that last line though....is stunning.
'my dreams display our lives in the stars' shoots off so many images in my mind.
Good work. Also, nice twist.

We're sitting on a boat, feet in the sea, my brother leans in to speak,
"take care of my son, you schmuck," gives me a hug and dives into the deep.
I keep searching but the ocean's black, I'm afraid to leave someone behind,
and I can feel my emotions stack as the weight begins to bludgeon my spine.
A warmth on my chest, my nephew shakes me back to life,
I'm sore but blessed, embracing his love like it's the last I'll find.

Nice stuff here. A full story, jam packed with lots going on. Bad and good.
But it still holds that love for family and that bit is on show big time.

A couple weeks after the funeral, I take him to a beautiful spot on the pier,
"your dad and I loved it here," he smiles while he drops his gear.
we share a couple laughs, catch some fish and talk with ease,
- I unfold my chair then relax...
he does the same and together we gaze across the sea.

Nice outro. I think it's interesting how the end doesn't rhyme.
At first I wasn't big on that but looking at it now I think it adds more depth in a
strange sort of way. I read it back a few times and it leaves a lingering feeling with me,
which I think is good in written work. Leaving the reader still thinking about the work, works for me.
Nice words Johnny. A heart breaking story done well.

Cool Read.

Thank you.

[_Lyrics]

hey johnny, just by the way this is written, im pretty sure i know who this writer is lol, this was a real nice piece, and i do have to say you've come quite some ways. You' have a pretty strong emotion behind your bars, but i really like that you took this story approach and brought some pretty in depth imagery and flow together, that's been an easy recipe for success for me for a while. The flow was definetily hitting some good multis and kept the wording tight. good stuff, it makes the read easy to get through and absorbs better in the reader. The story did run pretty fluid for the most part, as great as it did feel cohesive and like a quick scenerio that should've been a fun day that went horribly wrong, felt like the family aspect of things could've been intergrated a bit stronger as i was having trouble finding more of a brotherly connection other than them about to party and also had trouble with the vicodin and fishing part tying in, i mean i think it couldve definitely but i think it just felt a little random but couldve made much more sense if it had been revealed earlier he was going fishing. then again, thats how life can be sometimes aint it? random as fuck lol. like racing to get your nephew and end up getting hit by a train, you know what i mean? thought the dream sequence was nicely done, wasnt sure about calling his brother smuck lol but i liked the dark water imagery kind of signaling a swim into the beyond, this was the highlight for me and i think it couldve been honed in to be very very dope if given a bit more characterization to lean on. thought it was nice his nephew was the first he seen, but shaking him, maybe it shouldve been clearer he went to see him in the ER, and if he did isnt he still mentally distraught from all thats happened to his father? where is his mother? there were a few gaps that left me wondering here and there. I liked how he brought his nephew to his fathers favorite pier though and thought that was a nice touch. Thanks for the read!

[iLL ScriptureZ]

I thought this showed great story telling ability. You kept me interested the entire piece and I really enjoyed following along. I liked the imagery that really gave the emotional side a little more validation. Your word choices were nice, the technique of telling the story was top notch. The rhymes were simplistic but I believe the story is what should have shined, and it did. I liked the full circle ending. I was expecting a crazy ending but I think now after reading yours, it would've been too predictable. Excellent writing here. Looking forward to read more

[Late Bloom]

yeah enjoyed this hope theres more to come...... will comeback maybe and edit this feedback but yeah i enjoyed your piece it seemed like you had a very solid foundation i think it was a bit different then just a regular old verse it really rooted itself in some of the main elements that maek a storytelling piece well read....good thats a good thing really..... but it depends how personal you want to get with your story and i think the plot was what killed you here because some lines were referring to the battle in question if you get me... if you dont its okay.... but i do want to see more from you and hope this is sufficient feedback and i would probably say those two lines i mentioned previously were kind of out of nowhere like a bat in a cave if you feel me... actually thats exactly what this verse was like a bat in a cave....lol anyways i like more positive vibing kind of storytelling so for me personally no i dont really feel this kind of work..... it didnt seem to accomplish much besides sounding a bit mundayne at times with concepts that just werent positive enough.. i thought you were kind of aiming at something but just couldnt stay on the target.. which is still cool and i hope to see more from you and who knows maybe i am being a bit bitter but this is what i pulled from your piece...

[The Law]

Really great story. The best part about this was emotion and details you focus'd on perfecting instead of doing anything super crazy with the storyline. Imagery and character emotion displayed was well written there were definitely spots that I was visualizing the story in my head play out as I was reading it, which, tbh majority of writers fail to truly have that effect on the reader. Also, subconsciously seeing hugh jackman at of the corner of my eye with the beard made me visualize him with the tear soaked beard lol. Logan can't catch a break.

Another part I liked was the dreamlike state after the crash of a beautiful scene, the fathers comment and then disappearing which would then go on to symbolize the ending scene of them gazing out at the see. Really great drop on a family loss and the ability to turn mourning into a peaceful respect for their loved one.

If I am going to leave any critique, possibly would like to know what happened to the brother at the beginning. As this is happening on his birthday, he's probably taken a hard hit as well, but is only mentioned once in the beginning. Also, I couldn't get over the phrase "smite my car" for some reason. Probably just me, but I thought the word usage could have been stronger there. Other than that the damn thing is written near perfection with what it does has.

Very enjoyable, well done.

[#PrimeTime]

I know what u can do, i've seen ur stuff before and like the others, this was very well written. Pretty much what i was going to say was pretty much covered by the previous people above me in respond to this piece. I don't have a lot to say because, there wasn't much shit that i didn't like here. So if this feed isn't as good as the others, that's on me.

Finishing up my shift in five, mind is tied to tonight's surprise,
my brother turns twenty nine, awaiting the city lights and stripper's eyes.
Clocking out as my phone rings, my nephew appears on the caller ID,
it's a quarter to three... he should be in class instead of bothering me.

Ok I'm just going to say that I actually laughed at this part. No not because i thought it was funny, rather it was very well written.

Apparently he took too much vicodin and his body couldn't handle it,
after minutes of silence and rubbing my eyelids, I tried to channel this.
"Okay kid, I'll be there to get you soon so hang out with your friends,"
my fist's clenched, head throbbing from this tense pinch on both ends.
Tears soaking my beard as I try to disappear unseen by my boss,
stuck thinking about my loss, panicking for my keys like they're lost.
Driving over the speed limit, I see visions of us laughing,
so hard to breathe this in, like I'm beneath waves that keep crashing.

^Some real deep shit here my dude. Holy shit this was good. this part was dope regarding the the multi's used throughout here. Nice usage of using some inner multi's as well too, which always is a good thing for the reader. the last 2 lines in this part was sickk. Very good use of some imagery for me. Honestly, when i read a piece. imagery really helps me out since i get literally "get a picture" of what the writer see's in his story.

I fail to notice the police sirens or the train before it smites my car,
head bouncing in dismay... my dreams display our lives in the stars.
We're sitting on a boat, feet in the sea, my brother leans in to speak,
"take care of my son, you schmuck," gives me a hug and dives into the deep.
I keep searching but the ocean's black, I'm afraid to leave someone behind,
and I can feel my emotions stack as the weight begins to bludgeon my spine.
A warmth on my chest, my nephew shakes me back to life,
I'm sore but blessed, embracing his love like it's the last I'll find.
A couple weeks after the funeral, I take him to a beautiful spot on the pier,
"your dad and I loved it here," he smiles while he drops his gear.
we share a couple laughs, catch some fish and talk with ease,
- I unfold my chair then relax...
he does the same and together we gaze across the sea.

Wow. Great finishing part here. I don't have much to say here. The lines/bars I bolded where the ones that Ithink were the best parts of this last part of ur story dogg. Not saying that the lines that are un-bolded sucked, I just thought that the bolded ones really helped string ur story to the end. Well, I don't have anything else to say honestly, just keep it up and drop more

[Joe Boston]

Damn My man u have such a creative writers aspect behind you man. I really dig your concious style of writing. I like the emotion and story telling at the beginning to express tragedy. Then you ended it so dope with the imagery of both you and ur nephews soul meeting up and going to ur dads favorite fishing spot. Its like some reality shit in my eyes because my nephew and i enjoy fishing and growing up with my dad hed always take us. I also had drug addicted family so i can picture myself going through a situation and visualizing ur story in a sense. Dope work man