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February 14th, 2017, 06:51 AM
#1
You Cannot Own a Child of God
Ashes flutter from the flames
where the children of God prayed.
The embers leaving stains
within the nostrils on my face.
I left the war behind
because I didn't believe in the cause.
Fighting for the rich
while others struggle with their loss.
I've seen rivers red with blood
from fathers, cousins and sons.
I've heard the screams of strong men
-- weakened by the unjust.
I stood firm for what I believed in
even while in the government's chains.
These men walked with freedom.
No matter the color, God doesn't discriminate.
As I hang from this branch,
the tree whispers into my ear.
"I've seen the future, my son,
so embrace the lord without fear."
In the years to come, my family thrived,
as slavery was vanquished within due time.
I left behind a son and a beautiful wife...
proving that 'family' can be black AND white.
... because you cannot own a child of God.
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February 22nd, 2017, 09:17 AM
#2
wyrdsmyth
Re: You Cannot Own a Child of God
Interesting topic, and a cool spin on a topic that generally just gets the usual racism angle. Metre was off in a few places which made it read awkwardly, but still a nice little read.
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March 15th, 2017, 10:25 PM
#3
You've Earned a Custom Title!
Re: You Cannot Own a Child of God
For me it felt artificial. The word selections for the rhymes were predictable and the lines felt syllabically stretched. The narrative itself also didn't feel authentic, possibly due to the abstract nature of the scene you're depicting. A lot of it felt like secular statements as opposed to a coherent complete work. Re draft and try to avoid predictable word choice
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